Relationship conundrum

[Chacmool]

Well, fellow Hypographers, obviously I'm fishing for some relationship advice. I find myself in the uncomfortable situation where my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend (they were together for 7 years and broke up 3 years ago) is also his best friend. He even discusses our relationship with her! I don't like it one bit. :)

 

Can I trust him? Can I trust her? Am I being paranoid or unreasonable? Should I allow it to continue? Have you had similar experiences? Sometimes I think men and women simply weren't made to be together... :)

 

NB Anyone who suggests a threesome as the ideal solution will get some serious neg rep! :)

[InfiniteNow]

NB Anyone who suggests a threesome as the ideal solution will get some serious neg rep! :)

 

I got nothin' then. :)

 

The concept of fidelity works differently for males in females (in general).

Males tend to be more hurt by sexual infidelity, since we want the female to be the vehicle of our offspring/carry on our genes.

Females tend to be more hurt by emotional infidelity, since they want the males to care for them and their offspring.

 

If the male is spending time and connecting emotionally with another female, then he's likely diverting resources (whether they be time, money, affection, or otherwise) which otherwise would have been "spent" with the current relationship partner.

 

It sounds like you fall into this concern over emotional infidelity group. You are probably asking, "why can't he connect with me this way?" or "what does she give him that I'm not?" ... that sort of thing. These are perfectly valid questions, and also indicative of potential problems... In general.

 

It's not easy, and I only have little information to go on, but overall I'd suggest that you trust your gut. Don't talk yourself out of something you feel strongly about. If they were to spend a few hours having drinks together, would the chance of their being intimate worry you?

 

 

This simple fact is that if it bothers his current girlfriend and he's not willing to walk away for the benefit of the current relationship, then his priorities seem misaligned with yours.

 

Plenty of fellas here on Hypo wouldn't mind filling the vacancy though, so no problems there. How are you in the kitchen? :)

[Chacmool]

This simple fact is that if it bothers his current girlfriend and he's not willing to walk away for the benefit of the current relationship, then his priorities seem misaligned with yours.

Thanks for the input. I think your summary is spot on. And it seems I have a real problem on my hands...

Plenty of fellas here on Hypo wouldn't mind filling the vacancy though, so no problems there. How are you in the kitchen? :)

I'm great in the kitchen, especially on the kitchen counter. :)

[InfiniteNow]

I'm great in the kitchen, especially on the kitchen counter. :)

Wow. She cleans, too! :)

 

:)

 

 

Don't rely on just the advise of a one-tracked mind Y chromosome like myself. I could be completely off. You have my best whatever occurs or is decided. :)

[Snocrash]

Hmmm depends... 7 years is a long time. It would be hard for me to stop talking to someone I've known that long... but then again she shouldn't be his BEST friend. That's your job... that's why he's with you... or at least it should be one of the reasons. I don't see anything wrong with him talking to her every so often (even about your relationship since that's what friends do)... but if he's spending more time with her than with you then you have a problem.

[Guest chendoh]

Well, fellow Hypographers, obviously I'm fishing for some relationship advice. I find myself in the uncomfortable situation where my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend (they were together for 7 years and broke up 3 years ago) is also his best friend. He even discusses our relationship with her! I don't like it one bit. :)

In the view of the male species; Me especially. Your BF was not, and may not ever, be ready to sieze the day (Carpae de em?)....

A Man, would break ALL ties, before starting a new relationship, because the Human Male is not an animal, looking for comfort in his harem!

 

We, the Human Spiecies, has found our comfort, in the intimacy of JUST one other Being.....Friendship, Trust, Love.

THAT'S, What Makes It Special!

 

Can I trust him? Can I trust her?

that's up to you.

Am I being paranoid or unreasonable?

Maybe,--No.

 

Should I allow it to continue?

that's up to you.

 

Have you had similar experiences?

Yes, But I learned that the toughest part of loving someone, is movin' on...

Ya cry, have a few drinks, and it feels like your heart is being ripped from your body, but Ya know what?...The Sun will still come up tomorrow.

 

I'm sure you have friends and family that Love you, just be yourself, they'll understand because THEY know your a good person.

 

Sometimes I think men and women simply weren't made to be together... ;)

Sometimes that's true! Relationships can't always be Lilies, and Lace.

 

NB Anyone who suggests a threesome as the ideal solution will get some serious neg rep! :)

In your situation I would agree.

 

Please, If you feel the need, PM me.....But you will need some Quiet Time, even with family, to figure this out. :)

 

Now ther's an Idea!........Go Shoppin'......:) Do something to Break this intensity of feelings and emotions that is making your head swim....

Feel like S*h*t don't Ya?

I went alone, survivor mode, fishing for eighteen days, before I could come back.

 

Be good, Be Safe, and may the Lord be with you always......Chendoh...

[Buffy]

I voted "maybe" because I've been in exactly this same situation a couple of times, and sometimes it does work, but everyone must be pretty mature about it. In the case it worked for me, she became just as close a friend to me as she was to him, but in cases where its a "hidden" relationship, it can be prone to generating lots of jealousy. In my cases, the relationships all broke up for completely unrelated reasons, but YMMV..

The concept of fidelity works differently for males in females (in general). Males tend to be more hurt by sexual infidelity, since we want the female to be the vehicle of our offspring/carry on our genes. Females tend to be more hurt by emotional infidelity, since they want the males to care for them and their offspring.

This might sound sexist, but I actually agree with it. The caveat is that while emotional infidelity is bad enough, sexual infidelity is much worse. You can't win guys.

This simple fact is that if it bothers his current girlfriend and he's not willing to walk away for the benefit of the current relationship, then his priorities seem misaligned with yours.

I'll third this advice, but realize that the answer to the ultimatum without "justification" (in that odd male sense of the term), is not going to be the answer you want. Even if he is willing to give up his friend for you, what does that say about how he views *all* relationships? Does he just choose which ever one looks best right now? How shallow.

 

I've always found it more useful to insist on "sharing" his friend, which is a lot harder to refuse to do without making it look like there actually is emotional infidelity going on: guys don't seem to like to share what they have either...

 

Oddly, its seemed to me that male jelousy turns into possessiveness, while females will often push away even if it comes out verbally as being possessive. So...

How are you in the kitchen? :)

I cook, you have to clean up afterward to my specs or you're outta here.

 

You get one chance only,

Buffy

[Guest chendoh]

I voted maybe, but lets look at it this way:.....

Can a Girl be her ex-boyfriend's platonic best friend?

 

Instead of......

Can a guy be his ex-girlfriend's platonic best friend?

 

:) Depends on how honest and open,(up front), they all can be.

[Guest chendoh]

You get one chance only,

Buffy

Like It!...:)

[InfiniteNow]

One point I forgot to make, and it essentially supercedes all points or comments made already...

 

The fact that you have thought about to such an extent as to post it here... that you have been struggling internally to decide what is happening and if the situation is or is not okay... that you have such lingering questions and concerns about the relationship he has with the ex... is itself indicative of where your mind is on this and the health of your relationship with him.

 

 

 

Tell me about your dreams. Include pictures... :shade:

[Tormod]

I voted "maybe" but frankly I don't think it's possible to be *platonic* friends after 7 years. However in my wife's family people divorce yet they stay close forever (it seems they are unable to imagine a world without their exes, or maybe they just don't think it worthwhile to sever all ties). So at family parties we bascially meet all the current couples, their exes, and sometimes they even overlap (usually found out in hindsight).

 

I am at the lucky end of this deal since my wife had no serious boyfriends.

 

I mean, she *told me so*!

[freeztar]

The fact that you have thought about to such an extent as to post it here... that you have been struggling internally to decide what is happening and if the situation is or is not okay... that you have such lingering questions and concerns about the relationship he has with the ex... is itself indicative of where your mind is on this and the health of your relationship with him.

 

Bingo!

 

I had this happen to me recently, though slightly different circumstances.

I told my gf that I did not like her seeing her ex. It became tumultuous, but in the end, she agreed.

Relationships involve many sacrifices, from both sides, to work properly (Hence why I'm going Salsa dancing tomorrow ). If I were you, I'd raise your concerns and respectfully ask that he tries to put himself in your shoes. If he cares for you and respects you (and is wise enough), he will take actions to make things better. If not, then it might be time to question his sacrifices, or desire to be with you.

[Chacmool]

Thanks a million for the helpful comments, everyone! This continues to be a very tricky situation for me. I've already cried buckets full but hopefully I can find some kind of resolution or compromise soon.

[Michaelangelica]

One point I forgot to make, and it essentially supercedes all points or comments made already...

 

The fact that you have thought about to such an extent as to post it here... that you have been struggling internally to decide what is happening and if the situation is or is not okay... that you have such lingering questions and concerns about the relationship he has with the ex... is itself indicative of where your mind is on this and the health of your relationship with him.

 

 

 

Tell me about your dreams. Include pictures... :smart:

InfinateNow is such a bad person (LOL his previous posts)

Then he comes out with this gem of advice.

 

Have you discussed your feelings with your boy-friend?

Have you told him how you feel?

(Keep it to feelings not thoughts- feelings can't be too wrong -thoughts can be very wrong)

I always find crowded restaurants and a bottle of wine help.

(Homicide is unlikely with lots of witnesses).

 

I said "no" but did they grow up together?

What family, social, work, connections do they have?

Is the 0ther Girl a social worker/psychologist/counselor?

Maybe, then, I should have said maybe.

[Boerseun]

A bit of a conundrum, indeed...

 

I'm still very good friends with at least 90% of my ex-girlfriends, but wouldn't say 'best' friend. My 'best friends' are people willing to kill a cow with me and stand around the fire roasting the carcass, drinking beer and farting whilst the rugby game is on the telly in the background.

 

But I digress...

 

You should be careful with the whole situation, because without wanting to depress you any further, it seems as if a fairly big chunk of the population still in touch with their old flames engage in casual sex with them, 'for old time's sake'. It was an article on the 'net the other day, I'll look for it.

 

Hopefully it's nothing, but it always helps to be careful.

 

It might also be as Tormod says, simply an unwillingness of letting go of the familiar.

 

Good luck!

 

(also a big reason why I'm still single, and NOT looking! Haven't been happier in years! But not everyone is happy single, so don't take that as any form of advice...)

[Chacmool]

Thanks guys.

 

Have you discussed your feelings with your boy-friend?

Have you told him how you feel?

(Keep it to feelings not thoughts- feelings can't be too wrong -thoughts can be very wrong)

I always find crowded restaurants and a bottle of wine help.

(Homicide is unlikely with lots of witnesses).

 

I said "no" but did they grow up together?

What family, social, work, connections do they have?

Is the 0ther Girl a social worker/psychologist/counselor?

Maybe, then, I should have said maybe.

I've discussed my feelings endlessly. He simply doesn't seem to understand why I have a problem with the situation. He claims there is no physical attraction between them at all anymore, but he refuses to let go of the friendship or even to downscale her to something less than his best friend.

 

The met each other when they were working together about ten years ago. They still work in the same industry, but not at the same company.

 

You should be careful with the whole situation, because without wanting to depress you any further, it seems as if a fairly big chunk of the population still in touch with their old flames engage in casual sex with them, 'for old time's sake'. It was an article on the 'net the other day, I'll look for it.

 

Hopefully it's nothing, but it always helps to be careful.

 

It might also be as Tormod says, simply an unwillingness of letting go of the familiar.

Great... I foresee many more sleepless nights ahead. Actually, that might not be such a bad thing because at least that will keep me from having more nightmares. :doh:

[Qfwfq]

:evil:

Perfectly understandable!

 

I think it's largely a matter of trust, that one can only judge knowing her very well. Thorny problem. Become as close a friend of hers as possible and use your "nose". How fine is your sense of smell? ;)

 

...especially on the kitchen counter. ;)

Oooooh, :doh: now that's ambiguous!!!! :D ;)