Relationship conundrum

[TheFaithfulStone]

I've discussed my feelings endlessly. He simply doesn't seem to understand why I have a problem with the situation. He claims there is no physical attraction between them at all anymore, but he refuses to let go of the friendship or even to downscale her to something less than his best friend.

 

Doesn't look good.

 

ON THE OTHER HAND - and it's a BIG hand.

 

Do not take relationship advice from people you know only from the internet from a forum where people discuss theoretical astrophysics and quantum mechanics.

 

I can almost guarantee you that's a bad idea.

 

TFS

[C1ay]

I've discussed my feelings endlessly. He simply doesn't seem to understand why I have a problem with the situation. He claims there is no physical attraction between them at all anymore, but he refuses to let go of the friendship or even to downscale her to something less than his best friend.

 

Me thinks that he's not trying as hard as he could to nurture the relationship he has with you. I have several old girl friends I could spend a day or a night with talking for hours about old times with nary a threat of being unfaithful to my wife but, I would not want my wife to know about it because she would just be hurt that I did something she really didn't want me to do. IMO, he's putting his feelings ahead of yours. I'd watch it.

[Fatstep]

My girlfriend's ex is one of her best guy-friends, and I don't exactly like it, at all. I do not think it's possible for them to be just friends after they've been though a relationship and actual love, but she comstantly reassures me she'd never make the same mistake twice, being as she gave him a second chance, so I'm not sure.

 

If I were you I wouldn't want him being "best friends" with her, because I'm sure you often times feel jealous, and it doesn't sit easy with me when she's mad at me and talks to him. just doesn't.

[Boerseun]

Lazlo Gogolak: "Ahh, this reminds me of my favourite soup opera: "The Sandchildren of my Hourglass..."

[Qfwfq]

Unfortunately Chacmool I was in a rush last night, hadn't read all the replies here, so I came straight back to it this morning.

 

Even if he is willing to give up his friend for you, what does that say about how he views *all* relationships? Does he just choose which ever one looks best right now? How shallow.

Now that is a primary consideration.

 

It's the whole point actually, only problem is the one of olfactive discerning. If it's really how he claims, it ain't a good thing to demand. OTOH if there turns out to be something to complain about, you'll no longer care about whether or not they're whatever the heck they want to be. I wouldn't see it as an aut-aut, either you or her.

 

...while females will often push away even if it comes out verbally as being possessive.

I hope Chacmool follows Buffy better than I do here... :confused:

 

I've experienced painfully clutching claws, ouch, alternated with simulated pushing away that's just a test.

 

I cook, you have to clean up afterward to my specs or you're outta here.

Trust Buffy to give Now the best possible answer!!!!! Spot on!

[Chacmool]

Thanks again for all the replies. It really helps to get some perspective from impartial outsiders. I've noticed that so far there are two votes for "Yes". I would like to get some comments from these members as it might help me understand the other side of the argument (no neg rep - I promise!).

[Moontanman]

Well, fellow Hypographers, obviously I'm fishing for some relationship advice. I find myself in the uncomfortable situation where my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend (they were together for 7 years and broke up 3 years ago) is also his best friend. He even discusses our relationship with her! I don't like it one bit. :rant:

 

Can I trust him? Can I trust her? Am I being paranoid or unreasonable? Should I allow it to continue? Have you had similar experiences? Sometimes I think men and women simply weren't made to be together... ;)

 

NB Anyone who suggests a threesome as the ideal solution will get some serious neg rep!

 

What you are describing is what I have always thought of as putting something down before I was completely finished with it. Since I don't know the details of your mans relationship I can only draw on my own. To give you some insight into any possible insight I might have I'll give you some info about me. I have been married twice:doh: the first time was young love as it is called here and failed due to infidelity on my young wife's part. That was 30 some odd years ago at a time when infidelity was supposed to be ok as long as the emotional part of a relationship remained intact. of course that wasn't true any more then than it is now and very few people can live with their partner not being true to them. I found at the time that emotional infidelity eventually leads to physical infidelity. What you are experiencing is emotional infidelity, for me I can live with my partner having male friends but there is a limit and she (or in your case he) should understand that you should come first. Although sexual infidelity is shocking and hurts deeply you will find that emotional infidelity is the wound that never heals. The most difficult thing to wrap your mind around is the person you love loving someone else. If you are fair and centered as a person it isn't difficult to understand how your partner could be attracted physically to someone else or even become bored with you sexually but emotional infidelity is far more difficult to get over. When I started looking for a wife the second time one of the most important things I was looking for was friendship. I wanted a woman who was at the very least my intellectual equal, someone who could stand up to me on an even level and disagree or agree with me on her own terms not mine. but more importantly I wanted someone who I wanted to be with more than anyone else. Some one I would want to spend my days with for reasons other than sex. For me sex was and is of extreme importance but I am mature enough now to know that my wife's friendship over the years was the real glue that held us together. If you have to go outside your relationship for things like intellectual stimulation, conversation, and friendship then you have a problem. Your wife or husband should be the center of your world, not just the center of your sexual world. I had and still do have lots of friends both male and female but I would never consider being friends with someone who intimidated my wife for any reason. There is no one I would rather spend my time with other than my wife. She has male and female friends as well but she always puts me first in her life. It sounds to me like one of two things has happened with your boy friend, either he ended up in a sexual relationship with some whom he was really better suited to be simply friends with or he is really not finished with his ex and he put her down before he was really finished with the relationship. Before you do anything that cannot be undone make sure your feelings aren't just jealousy directed at someone whom your boy friend had sex with in the past. This is more rooted in your own insecurities and has nothing to do with him. How ever if he really would rather spend his non sexual time with her instead of cultivating your non sexual emotional needs then I am afraid your relationship is doomed. I have been married for thirty wonderful years but there were times due to things beyond our control that if we hadn't really been the people we both preferred to be with emotionally instead of sexually our marriage would have failed. Thirty years from now sex will still be an important part of your life, at least as important as it is now. Maybe even more so but if for some reason sex fails to hold you together and it will from time to time, you must be each others best friends as well. Real friends do not forsake each other due to hard times, misunderstandings, or any difficult emotional problems. That why all really good marriages are based on a relationship that is complex and multisided but always centered on each of the partners. If your boyfriend prefers to spend his time away from you then you have to ask yourself why does he come to me to start with. If the "bomb" drops and the first person he thinks of isn't you then he isn't yours. Only my children come before my wife and that isn't really a fair question to make. So think about it, does he spend more time with her than you? Why does he spend time with you? Does he come to you for friendship or just for sex? Does he allow you the same freedom of having male friends that are more important to you than he is? Even if he does I would predict that the relationship is still doomed because when you need him he might need to be somewhere else and that would be intolerable to almost anyone with normal emotional needs.

 

 

Michael

 

A threesome? yeah right, lets chew glass and drink hot sauce:hihi:

[Racoon]

Men cheat for emotional reasons as well..

We sincerely want to make our women happy.. to support and protect.

 

Don't doubt his ability to succeed, continually *****, nag, demean, or try to pull leverage over his head..

 

Or he'll cheat, go back to his ex...

 

If people were perfect then there'd be no divorce or domestic squabbles.

 

PM me Chacmool if he doesn't work out! :rant: ;)

[InfiniteNow]

Moontanman,

 

That was a really nice post. I sincerely mean that. :rant: I just wish you'd used your enter key AT LEAST once before you wrote your name.

 

 

Cheers.

[Racoon]

To directly answer the question..

No.

 

If his best friend is his ex-girfriend, then theres more involved than discussing politics..

Even if, on occasion, they don't re-engage in sexual intercourse, he will be more emotionally involved with her than you should be comfortable with..

 

Thats the nature of Testosterone and Male Psyche.. Plus past history.

 

You should be his female best friend, not some other floozy ex! :rant: ;)

[freeztar]

Moontanman,

 

That was a really nice post. I sincerely mean that. :rant: I just wish you'd used your enter key AT LEAST once before you wrote your name.

 

 

Cheers.

 

I agree that the post was nice. I also agree that you should really try out the paragraph thing, in all your posts. It drives my eyes crazy trying to follow the lines in that dense jungle of text. ;)

 

I think the best point that Moontanman makes is that emotional infidelity is the hardest to wrap your head around. I also agree that it can be a slippery slope leading to sexual infidelity. The opposite applies I have found out, unfortunately.

 

Hang in there Chacmool! I think the best advice so far is to follow your heart/intuition. :)

[Monomer]

 

I've discussed my feelings endlessly. He simply doesn't seem to understand why I have a problem with the situation. He claims there is no physical attraction between them at all anymore, but he refuses to let go of the friendship or even to downscale her to something less than his best friend.

 

 

 

I think this shows the lack of care and respect he has for you and your feelings/concerns. You should really be a priority in his life and if he is unwilling to treat your concerns seriously and sacrifice a little then this will always be a problem in your relationship, and will likely become worse with time.

 

It seems that he isn't really worth all the tears and sleepless nights. Find someone who repects you, and regards you as his best friend. Like others have said, go with your gut. You need to completely trust him for this to work. If you don't and he won't change then get out now before you invest even more in to the relationship.

[Qfwfq]

I can understand the word best being a problem, hard to swallow, but honestly it isn't something you can expect a person to choose and he's known her for years more; as the years go by, the difference can dissappear. Emotionally hard to swallow, rationally quite natural and makes sense.

 

Some people I've known even separate the two things and hold that the best friend, man or woman, should not be the partner although that's a highly subjective matter.

 

Anyway a lot of girls have been my great friends and some of them had initially been partners or missed partners, others not at all. I see no problem with that. If I were in the position of your man, I'd certainly see the talk about making a sacrifice both ways around. Besides, she might even be giving him good advice, if she truly cares about him being happy, and if this is so she could even give you good tips about how to handle him.

[Chacmool]

I can understand the word best being a problem, hard to swallow, but honestly it isn't something you can expect a person to choose and he's known her for years more; as the years go by, the difference can dissappear. Emotionally hard to swallow, rationally quite natural and makes sense.

Spot on - emotionally very hard to swallow! Let's hope this difference does disappear over time.

 

Anyway a lot of girls have been my great friends and some of them had initially been partners or missed partners, others not at all. I see no problem with that. If I were in the position of your man, I'd certainly see the talk about making a sacrifice both ways around. Besides, she might even be giving him good advice, if she truly cares about him being happy, and if this is so she could even give you good tips about how to handle him. ;)

That's just it - I don't want her to be giving him advice, especially regarding our relationship! And I certainly don't want any advice from her because that would mean delving into the relationship they once had. :evil:

[Qfwfq]

Yup, that sounds quite possessive!

 

;) :evil:

 

[Chacmool]

Yup, that sounds quite possessive!

 

;) :evil:

 

That's why I posted here - to get advice and maybe a different perspective. Thanks Q, I'll think about things again with your comment in mind.

[Tormod]

:evil:

 

Just love that smilie. ;)