Science experiment - is everything funny?

[Ahmabeliever]

Ahah! You're getting the sarcasm honed a little, it's getting funnier. Good stuff.

 

Been away from this thread to spend many hours trying to catch up on evolutionary theory. Fascinating stuff, I had GOD rammed down my throat from many angles for many years. My questions as a child led to strappings and banishment of varying degrees.

 

Smack - "God" - smack! - "is love".

 

I think religion, higher power, spirituality, etc, deserves a right royal lampooning because of this and many other crimes visited upon humanity.

 

So the new topic - Pertaining to matters spiritual. God, church, religion, cults.

 

Have you ever noticed how the people who don't believe in evolution look really unevolved - Steven Wright.

[Turtle]

...I think religion, higher power, spirituality, etc, deserves a right royal lampooning because of this and many other crimes visited upon humanity.

 

So the new topic - Pertaining to matters spiritual. God, church, religion, cults.

 

Have you ever noticed how the people who don't believe in evolution look really unevolved - Steven Wright.

 

Ask, and ye shall receive; for verily the Lord hath said to Yipidiah, "no good deed shall go unpunished. :rolleyes:

 

http://hypography.com/forums/watercooler/8301-theologic-humor-gravest-matters.html

[Ahmabeliever]

"I did a comedy show one time and did not know what to do about my tithe as they had only paid me in free beers. So after the show I staggered up to the church and pissed 10% through their mail slot" :rolleyes: - Paraphrased from a joke by Terry Frisbee.

 

I've just finished reading the Koran, I wish I understood Arabic.

 

How many creationists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Stupid question, they prefer to stay in the dark.

 

Did you hear the one about the defendant with Tourettes who swore on the bible.

[InfiniteNow]

This sub-prime thing is pretty scary, right? I mean, they gave me a mortage when I didn't even have a job. I'm not too worried about me, though. I will figure something out. It's my son that I'm REALLY worried about. I mean, they gave him a mortage 2 years ago, and he's probably going to lose his house for sure. Poor kid, he's only 5.

 

 

It's 3 am, and a phone's ringing in the white house. Only a Clinton can answer it, because it's a booty call.

 

 

I've really thought this through. There is all of this activity with rate cuts and better interest rates on loans, and that's nothing but good. Now, I can finally get a low interest loan to pay for the gas I put into my supercharged Hummer.

 

 

So, have you heard that Geraldine Ferraro said that Barrack Obama is only where he is today because he's black? Yeah, it was very illuminating. She made me finally realize that her not getting elected had nothing to do with her being a female.

[alexander]

oh, a friend of mine (who occasionally does stand up) told me this one:

 

A couple of years ago i was taking a girl out on a date, her Dad was like "you must bring her back by eight fifteen". Sure thing, I said, i'll definitely have her back by the middle of august.

[Ahmabeliever]

You must have her back by 12.

 

OK, how old is she now?

[freeztar]

My other wife is a polygamist.

[Ahmabeliever]

I support two jobless women at once, I know I know, it's big o me.

[freeztar]

Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

 

"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."

 

Well how scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old?

 

"That's right."

 

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

 

"Uh-huh."

 

Dinosaurs.

 

You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the Bible at some point.

 

"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.

 

"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat families and their fat dollar bills.

 

"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."

 

Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

 

These two have the best comedy on religion imho. I'd love to hear others though...

 

 

I used to like Sundays. My reward for dressing up in a cheap polyester suit, partaking in a pseudo-school class, and then being asked to kneel and stand repeatedly over a 1.5 hour period, was...pancakes. Oh what a child will do for some syrup slathered pancakes.

 

They even forced me to drink wine one time. Somehow, calling it blood was supposed to make me feel better about it.

 

Instead of bread during Communion, I would suggest pretzels. They are excellent palette cleansers and are probably cheaper than a dissolvable piece of paper with a cross stamped on it. Let's throw beer in there too, because I'm sure The Last Supper would have been a kegger if they had only had the technology then.

[Ahmabeliever]

I recognise both comics pieces. The Carlin excerpt can be found on youtube with God or religion in the title. About 10 minutes long where he tears the church a virtual new one, love that guy.

 

I'm VERY SERIOUSLY thinking about writing a show called...

 

Godless.

 

Imagine sueing the church for fraud. For taking your parents money under false pretenses while you went hungry as children.

 

Death threats from 'good christians' would arrive in no time. They'd have me up there in the dock swearing on the bible that I think the bible is a crock of ****. :)

 

"I'm trying to help poor people by getting their money back"

 

Only Jesus can help the poor, he tells us we must sell our material posessions, and follow him.

 

"But if everyone sold everything, who would be the buyer?"

 

That's where the church comes in. Through owning all the assets we help to save the poor from themselves.

 

"Then how will you be saved?"

 

Jesus said, Greater love have no man, that he lay down his life for his fellow man. We make the sacrifice for you.

 

"Well, I can't argue with that, where do I send the cheque?"

 

 

10% of my Fathers wage over 40 years. That's 4 years of his wages. $160 000 for the security of my Fathers soul. I'm not sure if the rest of the family were included in this sum, I've yet to see the paperwork.

 

Newly converted souls in the church won't have made as much financial contribution either. This is where the church helps them cleaning their habits up so they might get a nice suit and a better job, then they can try to catch up.

 

Imagine getting to heaven and you're 3 months behind in your payments, and they don't take amex!

 

DOOMED. :hihi:

 

It pays to think ahead, the church has got it covered. Death insurance with church benefactors. Their love has found a way.

[Ahmabeliever]

Growing up with God in the house wasn’t so easy. Aside from the threat of Russia nuking us at any minute there was Jesus coming back and he was gonna be PISSED OFF!

 

One time at Christmas we kids looked at the presents early and we were told not to, so we’d broken a commandment and dishonored our parents. Well, Christmas came without event and as well as the presents we knew about we also got a trampoline. Maybe peeking at present’s is ok with God…

 

So my Sister's on the trampoline that afternoon and there’s this big freakin knock you down earthquake and while she’s coming down the trampoline splits in half! Just like Jesus did to the curtains at the temple! I was deeply disturbed.

 

I found Dads porno collection. If God was gonna bring earthquakes and destroy our trampoline for peeking at Christmas presents what was I gonna get for touching my willy while looking at Sun Soakers Quarterly. I’m expecting retribution.

 

Unknown to me a milk powder factory burns down upstream of the river that runs through our village. Everything in the river dies and as I walk home from school I am greeted by the corpses of fish and frogs and eels and to top it off a bloated upside down cow stuck in midstream.

 

God has made the waters undrinkable, and killed all the fish and the animals, and I had better leave the porno mags alone.

 

But they proved irresistible. It’s not easy being a child when you’re doomed.

[Ahmabeliever]

Folks, honestly, is this stuff any good or not? I know it's not going to be funny for folks who believe in God,

 

How about those who are still confused over it all? Sitting on the fence.

 

Does the funny outweigh the guilt for questioning faith?

 

Even when I was sitting on the fence of my beliefs, I found Hicks on Dinosaurs hilarious, but felt a bit guilty about it too.

 

And I'm quite serious about writing a show called Godless, got a few silly ideas to go with the rants.

 

Wouldn't it be way funny to set up some tesla coil or something that flicks on instantly

 

"And closing, to put my money where my mouth is, if God really is true, may he strike me d....

 

(coil flicks on lighting strikes me)

 

Aaaargh!

[DFINITLYDISTRUBD]

Lol!!!

[alexander]

OOhh, i get to post a new subject matter :(

 

ok ok, i got one lined up, the inauguration ceremony.

 

Watched it live, the amount of people that showed up was insane, 1.5-2 mill, i couldn't help to think in those pan shots of the crowd how cool it would be if instead of spending $175 million on security, they would get everyone in the crowd to wear a storm trooper costume. Like all the ex-presidents can wear the imperial storm trooper costumes (black with red stripes), senators can wear high officer outfits, so can the wifes... Bidden would have to wear Darth Vader's outfit, and Obama would then have the honor of wearing the emperor's robe... 3/4 of the speech then fits too :) "The power of dark side is strong, we are nearing the day when no rebel force will be able to stop us. The hour of our democratic control of the universe is nearly here, our mission nearly complete..."

 

then again my rather weird mind sometimes makes me wonder about myself....