Not really sci-tech, but...

[socialsamurai]

...I respect the thoughts and views represented here, and I need some advice.

 

I have two children who live in Ohio, and I live in Iowa. About a year ago, I met my fiance while away from home on business. We dated for about 9 months and we decided that I should move to Iowa and we would get married.

 

So, I did. I knew that I would miss my kids, but I thought that I would get to see them through the summer and over Christmas break. I hired a lawyer before I left, but the expense of moving proved to be more than I thought, and he dropped my case due to my failure to pay for his services. Knowing that this was happening, I tried to reach some kind of mutual agreement between myself and my ex-wife. This did not happen and she refused to let me speak to my kids...for five months.

 

I was unemployed, living out of state, and trying to manage my new family, so I was unable to hire a lawyer to force her to let me speak to my kids. In March, my fiance and I decided that we would take a trip to Ohio on the weekend of my son's second birthday and see if we could get the kids during my scheduled visitation time. My ex not only refused, but filed a Civil Protection Order (also known as a restraining order) stating that I had threatened her.

 

I talk to the Magistrate about the case, but since I could not disprove the accusation and she could not prove the accusation, they placed a CPO between myself and my ex-wife because the magistrate felt that she 'was afraid and needed protection'. This poses a problem as I can now not pick up my kids, even if I'm in the state. However, the good thing was that the Magistrate ordered my ex to allow me to speak to my daughter on a stable schedule, which was more than I had beforehand. So, I was more or less happy to have that.

 

After this, I spoke to a lawyer and he gave me some free advice. He said that if I resided in the state, the police could act as a 3rd party and allow me to get my daughter for visitation. My son, however, having been conceived AFTER my ex and I were divorced, I had no legal claim to contact or visit and I would have to file in juvenile court to get my visitation with him. Also, that I would need to file in Civil Court to have my visitation with my daughter changed so that she could come visit me in Iowa. Also, my lawyer advised me that I could file contempt of court on my ex because she has refused me access to my daughter.

 

Today, I found out that my ex had filed in Juvenile Court to have her CPO extended to my son. So, as time goes by and I don't act, the paperwork is being filed for me, and against me, and I feel helpless. I've never hurt my ex, or threatened her, and I don't want to loose my kids. So, I don't know what to do. I have choices. I can try to manage this battle from Iowa, through the mail, and hope that it pans out before we go to court. I can go to Ohio, save money by filing motions without my lawyer (Contempt of Court, a response to the Juvenile Court filing, etc) and pay my lawyer SOME money to get the ball rolling.

 

What do YOU think I should do? I'm concerned that if I do nothing, wait to be served and such, that I might not be able to do anything on a short notice or that it will look bad to a judge if I wait too long to fight back. So, what do you think I should do? Have you thought of anything that I haven't? Do I have another option?

 

Thanks in advance for your thoughts. Like I said, I value your opinion.

[CraigD]

What do YOU think I should do?

I’ve some experience with these matters, having been the non-custodial father of a now-adult daughter living in WV while I lived in MD, though my case primarily involved child support payment to the state, not visitation and custody, and we all remained on good terms.

 

I would work out payment plans with your lawyer, in exchange for his agreement to handle you cases expeditiously. Pay any amount due immediately. Also, I assume your lawyer has his practice in the county where your ex and kids live, specializes in family law, and has good references – if not, get one who does.

 

My case was decided much to my advantage because my lawyer was present (in most cases without me) for all scheduled court hearings, while counsel for the state of WV was not. The process struck me as informal to the point of corruptness, but I was in no position to reform it, and think that had I not had a lawyer expert in the local court, things would have gone badly for me.

My son, however, having been conceived AFTER my ex and I were divorced, I had no legal claim to contact or visit and I would have to file in juvenile court to get my visitation with him.

In all of the US states since the late 1980s, biological paternity has been considered the standard for determining legal paternity, taking precedence over any legal instrument other than adoption, so unless someone or ones have adopted your son, you should be able to establish your rights by having a court order, submitting to, and in most cases paying for, a paternity test, usually a commercial lab administered PCR/RFLP “genetic fingerprint” test. Whether you were married to your ex at the time of your son’s conception, birth, or every, is of little legal relevance (AFAIK & IANAL).

 

Setting aside legal issues, I think you’d be wise to think about the future of you, your children, and your entire ex, future, and extended family. From your description, I gather that, regardless of any court outcomes, your ex-wife will be the primary custodian of your children through their adulthood. Any anger and resentment she harbors toward you, she is likely to instill in your children, or even if not, will be a source of stress, and deleterious to their development.

 

Therefore, I think it’s critical that, if at all possible and as much as possible, for the good of your children, you and your ex-wife reconcile your differences, and resolve not to disparage one another to them. This can be difficult not only for you and your ex, but for your future wife, so I recommend you be sensitive to that, and prepared to work through any difficulties there, using all the advice and counseling resources at you disposal.

 

My best wishes that everything turns out well for you and all involved.