Offensive jokes

[Moontanman]

Once upon a time, which was of course a very long time ago! A man surprised his young son, who had just reached puberty, masturbating in the hay loft of his barn. Both the son and the father were highly embarrassed and after a few awkward moments the father says to his son "don't feel guilty son, masturbation is a perfectly natural thing but one day when you take a wife you will have a better need for your vital fluids. I suggest you save that until your wedding night, then you will know the true reason for your vital fluids."

 

The son looked embarrassed but promised his father he would indeed save it for his wedding night, the father forgave him and life went on as usual on the farm.

 

Twelve years later on his wedding day the son went to his dad during the preparations of the wedding and said "Father I have need of some advice, i have always trusted you to tell me the correct thing to do but even after all these years i still have a question about my wedding night I need answered!"

 

Being very surprised his now 23 year old son and master farmer would need advice about his wedding night the farmer let his son led him to the seclusion of the barn to ask this question.

 

The son, now a very strong, tall, and handsome young man who even his father could see was quite a catch for the young girl he was marring, cleared his throat a few times and said, "Father do you remember all those years ago when you caught me masturbating here in the barn?"

 

"Why yes son," said the farer, "you were so young and didn't understand what you were doing was perfectly natural. I hope I didn't make you feel too guilty about it!"

 

"No sir," said the proud farmers son, "I took your advice and saved it till tonight!" With that that he pulled off a tarp to revel a clear plastic 55 gallon drum about 3/4 fill of some thing. "The other two barrels are stored in the root cellar, now I just need to know what to do with it on my wedding night!"

 

The Father died of a heart attack leaving the farm to his still puzzled son and his blushing bride!

 

The moral of this story is "When it comes to advice on sex a clear message is better than barrel full of assumptions or always save the best for last!"

[Boerseun]

I feel a bit of a sneak crushing up pills to a powder and throwing it in my grandma's food, but if I ever get her pregnant, I'll never be able to forgive myself.

[Jay-qu]

Who needs small minority groups to insult, what about plain old female jokes?

 

"Why did the woman cross the road?

 

More to the point, what was she doing out of the kitchen?"

[Moontanman]

In a recent music awards show the MC stepped up to the Mic and announced the award for the largest Posse in Rock in Roll.

 

Madonna immediately stood up and began to walk to the stage.

 

The MC says....

 

No Madonna, that was Posse, it's spelled with an O!

[Pyrotex]

Why offend one minority when you can get two for the price of one?

 

What has twelve wheels and goes, "Ho-de-doe! Ho-de-doe! Ho-de-doe!" ??

 

 

Three black guys in wheelchairs racing for the elevator.

 

I love that joke! I've told it to a few of my black friends and they like it, too.

[Pyrotex]

My favorite joke involving the handicapped.

 

Fred and Sammy were handicapped. Fred was mentally challenged--he had about ten year-old intelligence and talked slow. Sammy had been on crutches all his life. They lived together, and did everything together, and in this way, they were each able to make up for the deficits of the other.

 

Fred walked into his favorite bar. Jake, the bartender, knew the two guys very well, and asked where Fred and Sammy had been for the last month.

 

Fred: Me and Sammy, we was on a vacation to Yew-rup.

Jake: Hey, that's great! What did you see?

Fred: We saw the Tower of Lunn-Dunn. I wuz on the top and I cud see for miles and miles. It was the most wonderful thing I ever seen in my whole life!

Jake: Neat! What did Sammy think of it?

Fred: He cuddunt get up to the top of the tower. He's a cripple, you know.

 

Fred: Then we went to the Eye-Full Tower in Pair-Iss. I wuz on top and I cud see for miles and miles. It was the most wonderful thing I ever seen in my whole life!

Jake: Wonderful! Was Sammy able to get up there with you?

Fred: Naw. They diddunt haff no elevator. Sammy's a cripple, you know.

 

Fred: Then we went to Rome It-a-Lee. We was goin to the Vat-a-Can where the pope lives.

Jake: Super! Did you get to see the pope?

Fred: Well, we wuz almost there when the streets just filled up with people. Me and Sammy had to stop in the crowds. Then the crowds parted, and there was the pope hisself coming down the street. He had all these men in red robes with him and he wuz blessing people and people wuz kissing his hand and he came right up to Sammy and the pope put his hands on Sammy's head and prayed and prayed out loud and he healed Sammy and then took his crutches and threw them away! It was the most wonderful thing I ever seen in my life!

Jake: That's fascinating! What did Sammy do then?

Fred: Oh, Sammy fell down. He's a cripple, you know.

[Boerseun]

Here's a truly nasty, tasteless and offensive piece of work:

 

What's blue and doesn't fit?

 

And old pair of jeans?

 

No.

 

A dead epileptic.:(

[Boerseun]

Here's a real head-scratcher:

 

What's the difference between pink and purple?

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. . . The Grip.

[lawcat]

The real Blonde joke:

 

YouTube- Newlywed game dumb blonde http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3eNuuQdApo&feature=player_embedded

[Boerseun]

You can say of pedophiles what you want, but at least they slow down when driving past schools.

[coldcreation]

I originally posted this in another thread but it belongs here instead:

 

 

A bus full of nuns plummets off a cliff. They all die. The nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

 

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

 

"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

 

"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

 

The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

 

"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

 

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

 

"Well, now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

 

"Well, your holiness," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her *** in it!"

[Boerseun]

Priest books into a hotel. "I hope your porn channel is disabled," he says to the receptionist.

 

She looks at him and frowns.

 

"You sick bastard," she says - "we only have regular porn."

[Moontanman]

Does anyone know how much it costs to see the Loch Ness Monster?

 

 

 

 

 

Respect my AUTHORITI!

[Moontanman]

So no South Park fans here?

[Moontanman]

Does anyone know how much it costs to see the Loch Ness Monster?

 

 

 

 

 

Respect my AUTHORITI!

 

Ok, no South Park fans, what does it cost to see the Lock Ness Monster?

 

'bout tree fitty :doh: