Quality Jokes and Humor

[InfiniteNow]

have you seen the gas prices lately? outrageous!

the other day i stopped to get enough gas to get home.

i went in, gave the clerk a 5 and said i need 5 dollars of gas.

the clerk farted and gave me a reciept.

 

:)

 

That's pretty good. :hihi:

[Michaelangelica]

[Michaelangelica]

The Obedient Wife

 

 

 

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

 

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

 

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

 

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

 

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

 

'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

 

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

 

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, then he can spend it.

[Michaelangelica]

I am not sure how to post this on Care2

 

[REASON]

:) No ****!

[InfiniteNow]

 

 

More here: Tom Swanson's Cartoon page

[alexander]

michael, i have another one that is just like that, you have most certainly heard of "green" companies. Well most green companies get the right to call themselves green by purchaising carbon credits. So you do absolutely nothing for the environment, to reduce pollution, to use alternative energy sources, to conserve heat, etc, but you call yourselves green because when you farted, you purchaised papers that say that someone out there didnt fart twice, so you actually did not add to the global green house effect!!!???

[Michaelangelica]

Kangaroos are to polite to fart. :hyper:

But Yanks (PETA) won't let us eat them.

[Michaelangelica]

[Ahmabeliever]

Bwa Ha Ha!

 

That's freak'n hilarious, where's the product from?

[Pyrotex]

ROTFLMAO!

 

And if you stroke the package gently, it will expand to feed a family of six!!!

[alexander]

(excuse me for the next comment, but it kind of brought itself on...)

 

naw, that's a white cock on the package, maybe like a family of 4, granted ofcourse that the cock is not Asian...

[DougF]

Pyrotex

ROTFLMAO!

And if you stroke the package gently' date=' it will expand to feed a family of six!!! [/quote']

:evil: ;)

[alexander]

Translations can be funny too...:

 

[img=http://photo.net/bboard-uploads//00FsW1-29199884.jpg]http://photo.net/bboard-uploads//00FsW1-29199884.jpg[/img]

[Michaelangelica]

No idea pyrotex .

It was a stumble

http://mammon.ssfs.org/soup.jpg

[Pyrotex]

Three Bragging Husbands

 

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties, shortly after returning home from their honeymoons.

 

The first man had married a woman from New York, a state known for its feisty, independent-thinking women. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. That was HER job, and he was never to be asked to help. He said that the first day he didn't see any results, but on the second day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

 

The second man had married a woman from Georgia, where the women were notorious for their attitudes. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and all the cooking. That was HER job, and he was never to be asked to help. He said that the first day he didn't see any results, and none on the second day. But by the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were all put up, and she had dinner on the table every evening when he got home.

 

The third man had married a Texas girl. He bragged that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, all the cooking done and the laundry washed – and this was all her responsibility, and hers alone. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, and not even the third day. But by the fourth day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye!

[Michaelangelica]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Porsche convertible out of the

Dealership in Butte; MT. . Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,

 

enjoying The wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

 

Amazing", he thought as he flew down I-90, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,

Blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then

110, then 120.

 

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this", and

Pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the

Trooper walked up to the Porsche, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a

Reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

The old gentleman paused and then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with

A State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a good day, Sir", replied the Trooper.

 

 

That reminds me of the old story ( best done by a stand-up comic with lots of sounds and actions) about the old guy that used to take his pristine, bought-from-new, T model ford out for a run every Sunday. He had never in his life gone over 20MPH.

 

Finally the inevitable happened and one day his old car broke down.

 

As he was peering into the engine a hoon went by in a Porsche, screeched to as top, reversed screeching, with smoking tyres. The young driver got out and asked if he could help.

Well anyway they finally decided that the hoon in the porche would give the old guy in the T model Ford a tow to the next town about 50 miles away. The Old Guy made the Hoon promise he would not go over 20 MPH. The hoon reluctantly agreed. pretty soon they were tottering along and the old guy was even enjoying the ride even if it was at 30mph.

Suddenly a souped-up Ute came screaming past, horns blazing and overtook the Ford and Porsche, giving the Porsche driver the finger. The Porsche Hoon saw red and forgetting about his tow, took off after the Ute; 40mph; 50mph.

The old guy is getting worried and politely bips his horn to remind his tower of their speed agrement.

60MPH 70MPh Now the old guy in the T model is getting scared and starts to constantly press his horn. The Porsche is gaining on the Ute and can't hear the tinny ford horn 100mph 120MPH and the Porsche is on the tail of the Ute.

The Old guy in the T model is going berserk, waving, bipping, leaning on his horn. He is petrified.

They all woosh past a cop hiding behind a road sign.

The cop realising he had no chance of catching them radios to his mate 10 K down the road.

"Quick george" he says to his police partner," get ready there is a souped up Ute racing a Porsche doing about 150 and a mad old guy in a high powered Ford leaning on his horn trying to pass both of them!"