Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

This has to be a joke ?!

 

Urinals wired for sound

Tracy Staedter

Discovery News

 

 

Monday, 17 July 2006

 

Male toilet

 

Can't a man pee in peace? Not in the US, where urinals are broadcasting public health messages (Image: iStockphoto)

 

If you're a man and the urinal you're standing over is talking to you, one of two things is probably happening: you're really drunk or the owner has installed a talking urinal in the bathroom.

 

Let's say, for your sake, it's the receptacle.

Then it must be the Wizmark Urinal Communicator, a waterproof, disposable drain cover embedded with electronics that senses a visitor and then relays an audio message.

 

The device can be programmed to play anything from beer commercials to public service announcements promoting responsible drinking.

 

the link:-

http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/tech/InnovationRepublish_1688247.htm

[Turtle]

While listening to radio and watching TV on mute, an advertisement showed a small device captioned with the words "ear piercing alarm". The first thing that came to mind was why in the world would anyone sneak up on someone else to pierce their ears.:shrug:

[Guest jamongo]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

 

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better, I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

 

"When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.

 

"Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

 

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[paigetheoracle]

Why don't people with Thalidomide use handguns? Because they have trouble with small arms.:)

[Michaelangelica]

Why don't people with Thalidomide use handguns? Because they have trouble with small arms.:)

Funny that it is still being sold in South America too?

[Guest jamongo]

While on a European tour, Ted was being interviewed by a French journalist.

The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of

a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?`or is it `Are you the

one who killed my brother?'"

 

Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care

about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and

can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."

 

:hihi: :eek:

[Guest jamongo]

A tourist walked into a pet store and began looking at the animals

on display.

 

While he was there, a Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant from the local

Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114

Monkey, please."

 

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took

out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the

Gunny, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Gunny paid and left with the

monkey.

 

Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a

very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why

did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 Monkey, he can rig aircraft

flight controls, score 300 on the Marine Corps PFT, set up a

perimeter defense and perform the duties of SDO with no mistakes. It's well

worth the money."

 

The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more

expensive--$10,000! What can it do?"

 

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. It can instruct

at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the O & I and Depot

level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed,"

replied the shopkeeper.

 

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey

in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed,

"That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world

can it do?"

 

"Well, the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything

but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a pilot."

[Michaelangelica]

Now here is something to ponder...........

 

 

Do you think I'll live to be 80?

 

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and

exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,

"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

 

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?" "Oh

no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

 

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecue?" I said, "No,

my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

 

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,

hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

 

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

 

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a ****?"

[Mercedes Benzene]

Please excuse the fact that this is not a joke.

It is however, what I would call "quality humor".

You have to believe me when I say this: When I was a little kid, this was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life!! I could watch it 100 times and would bring myself to tears from laughing.

It is a clip from the Disney feature "The Three Caballeros".

I found this clip on youtube.

Here it is! ENJOY! :hihi:

 

YouTube - The Three Caballeros - Aracuan http://youtube.com/watch?v=zchYN9ZSnqw

[infamous]

A young man walks into this business establishment looking for a job. At his interview, he asks, "how much will I get paid". To this question the owner answers, "as much as you,re worth". To this response he says, "I just quite a job that paid me more than that".....................Infy

[Guest jamongo]

" Got any nude pictures of your wife?'

..

"Good lord, no!"

..

"Wanna' buy some?"

[Jay-qu]

" Got any nude pictures of your wife?'

..

"Good lord, no!"

..

"Wanna' buy some?"

good joke :hyper: but my dad used to say it with grandmother in place of wife..

[Boerseun]

Here's a funny thing to ask someone! (One of those 'entrapment' questions with no possible easy answer...)

 

Walk up to your friend and ask him:

"Ever been caught wanking in the kitchen?"

Your friend's gonna look at you all funny and say:

"Hell no!"

Then you just give him one of those knowing looks and say:

"Safe place, ain't it?"

:cup:

[Guest jamongo]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue

needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends,

Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

 

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said,

"Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician

rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

 

The mortician thought that was rather strange.

 

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the

body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician

rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

 

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

 

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

 

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

 

Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.

 

Every time we went to town, folks would say,

 

"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

[Mercury]

It may not be "quality" enough. I just want to share. :)

 

Whenever you hear any of your friends near you exclaims "Oh my god!" turn to him or her and answer: "You caling me?" and see the reaction on their faces.

[Michaelangelica]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Michaelangelica]

It may not be "quality" enough. I just want to share. ;)

 

Whenever you hear any of your friends near you exclaims "Oh my god!" turn to him or her and answer: "You caling me?" and see the reaction on their faces.

Reminds me of the story about the Psychiatrist doing his rounds in the mental Hospital.

He says to the guy in the first bed

"Who are you"

I'm Napoleon" came the reply.

"Who told you that?" said the psychiatrist

"God did" came the reply

Then an angry

"I DID NOT" came from the next bed.