Quality Jokes and Humor

[Jay-qu]

It may not be "quality" enough. I just want to share. :)

 

Whenever you hear any of your friends near you exclaims "Oh my god!" turn to him or her and answer: "You caling me?" and see the reaction on their faces.

what I say when someone says that is: "No, Jay.." :cup: easy to confuse it sometimes I guess

[InfiniteNow]

My friend in IT showed this to me this morning and I couldn't stop laughing. Enjoy! :shrug:

 

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/220487

[ughaibu]

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went to the races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."

 

The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."

 

"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.

 

"Well," he says, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."

[paigetheoracle]

More fims that were never made:-

 

A Fistful of Dole Artists/ For a Few Dole Artists More - Spaghetti Westerns made on a shoestring by strung out unemployed

 

Apocalypso Now/ Whoops Apocalypso! - Jamaican remakes of more famous movies

 

Daft definitions

 

Mammygram - x-ray to see if you're turning into Al Jolson

 

Burglar Alarm - clock set to wake tired burglars on night shift, by kind residents who want them to break into their homes on time ('Where is that burglar? I'm going to be late for the concert again!')

 

Youthanesia - bloody good idea!

 

Tim/Russ Beastie - Glasgow gangsters of the 60's, famous for lurking in the shadows (aka The Beastie Boys)

 

Place Names

 

Doomray - power station near John O'Groats in Scotland

 

'What do you think of the wind in the Western Isles Angus?'

'You get Uist to it'

 

You have to keep your head down in Scotlands biggest city bars - Glass come, glass go

 

Quotes

 

'As the Shellfish find - Conches makes Cowries of us All' (William Shakeshell)

 

As an old fossil will tell you, there's no fuel like an old fuel

 

Ego only knows one note - Me, me, me, me!

 

Life is full of ups and downs, ins and outs and side to sides*

 

Vampire police like to go on stake-outs

 

Riddles

 

Why do investment bankers like miniature kitchen tools?

Because they don't like big whisks

 

Why is a proctologist like an astonomer?

Because he's only interested in Uranus

 

If towns are full of townies - what is the country full of?*

 

* Hope the two aste-risked jokes are not too risque but if so please delete them (All my own work [as far as I'm aware]- so nobody else is to blame (except my parents for having me)):eek_big:

[paigetheoracle]

Groucho Marx visited a VD clinic for his results

'I'm sorry Mr Marx but you've definitely caught something'

'What should I do?'

'Well first, we need to trace whoever might have given it to you, to warn them they may have got it too'

'Yes of course doctor!'

At this he races outside and starts singing up and down the streets -

'Lydia oh Lydia, have you seen Lydia? The lady who gave me Chlamydia - the VD infested lady?'

[paigetheoracle]

Favourite old, sick (mostly) jokes or sick old jokes:-

 

What goes 'Ha, ha' bonk?

A leper laughing his head off

 

Leper playing cards - threw his hand in

 

What is pink and red, and sits in a corner screaming?

A baby with a razor blade

 

What is blue and swings through the trees?

Tarzan in a boiler suit

 

What is green and swings through the trees?

Gorilla snot

 

Man goes to a doctor because no matter how much he eats, he keeps losing weight.

'I'm sorry old man but you've got a tapeworm. What you need to do is stick an apple and a piece of fruit cake up your backside and then come back and see me on the last day.'

'Then what should I do?'

'Nothing'

So a fortnight passes and the man goes back to the doctor who says

'Drop your trousers - now I'm going to insert an apple up your backside'. He then stands behind the man with a malet. Ten minutes later a little head appears out of the mans behind.

'Here, where's my fruit cake?'

Bang!!!

 

Man walks into a bar and goes 'Ouch!' It was an iron bar (Tommy Cooper joke).

[Michaelangelica]

MATHEMATICAL VIEWPOINT

 

 

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

 

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

and

 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But,

 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

And,

 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

AND,

look how far arsekissing will take you !

 

A-R -S- E- K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 129 %

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While

Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Arsekissing that will put you over the

top.

[ughaibu]

Murdering your boss, 'patronicide', 115%

[TheNaturalStep]

i love this one

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain-climber?

A: Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.

[Mercedes Benzene]

This is one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time:

 

A Short Lord of the Rings Parody =

 

YouTube - Lord of the Rings parody http://youtube.com/watch?v=hquCf-sS2sU&feature=RecentlyWatched&page=1&t=t&f=b

[paigetheoracle]

Why did the tenpin not like living in an arab country?

Because he was always being stood up on dates for a laugh

 

What did the Bible-thumping sports master always carry with him?

Cane a ball

 

Guy walks into a bar looking for a local hoodlum called Johnny Mashtik

"You seen Mashtik tonight?", he asked the bar keeper

"Here was here a minute ago - no, wait he must have gone out when my back was turned"

 

A man was walking his dog when another man passed him as he was picking up the dogs business in a plastic bag.

"Gee that's pleasant!"

"It's not so bad but my memory is going"

"Why is that a problem"

"I sometimes forget what bag my sandwiches are in"

 

An oriental gentleman is doing a crossword, when he got stuck on a clue

"What's another word for variations?"

"Fluctuations"

"Fluck you too - I was only asking!"

 

Which French philosopher throws terror into everyones hearts, when he enters the room?

Jean Paul Fartre - he's known for kicking up a stink wherever he goes!

 

A man walks into a bar and notice a bottle of whisky, rattling around on the shelf. So he asks the bartender "What's that?"

"Oh, that's just a restless spirit"

"And what about that bottle floating in mid air?"

"It's just a little high spirited"

 

Another man walks into a bar.

"Give me a shot of red eye!"

Bang! The bartender knocks him flying.

"Say what did you give me a black eye for?"

"We ain't got no red eye"

[Michaelangelica]

from a GREAT SITE

http://www.improbable.com/

 

Warning: Truth’s irrelevancy?

September 29th, 2006

 

Warning signsWater without hydrogen would warrant warnings

Signs at park air phony hazard

 

The signs at the cascading pools in Waterfront Park are meant to frighten: They proclaim in bold letters,

danger high levels of hydrogen.

/forums/images/smilies/banana_sign.gif

 

But the warnings are bogus.

The water in the fountain pools is, like all water, made of two-thirds hydrogen atoms and one-third oxygen atoms.

 

So says a July 17, 2006 report in The [Louisville, Kentucky] Courier-Journal.

 

(Thanks to investigator Mark Dionne for bringing this to our attention.)

 

posted by Alice Shirrell Kaswell in Arts and science

[Pyrotex]

A man wearing a cowboy hat, boots and spurs, chaps and a string tie sits in the bleachers at a high school football game in Texas.

 

A man sits down next to him and asks, "Are you a cowboy?"

 

He says, "Well, I work for a cattle concern, I ride a horse and bring the cattle in from their pastures, and I sleep under the stars each night. So, I guess I really am a cowboy."

 

The man gets up to get a softdrink and a woman sits next to him and asks, "Are you a cowboy?"

 

He says, "Well, I work for a cattle concern, I ride a horse and bring the cattle in from their pastures, and I sleep under the stars each night. So, I guess I really am a cowboy."

 

The cowboy turns toward her and asks, "So, what are you?"

 

She says, "I'm a lesbian."

 

He says, "I guess I don't get around much. What's a lesbian?"

 

She says, "Well, I'm obsessed with pussy. I wake up thinking about pussy. I think about pussy all day long every time I see a woman. When I watch TV, I mentally undress every attractive woman I see and fantasize about having sex with her. And when I go to bed at night, pussy is the last thing I think about."

 

The woman gets up and walks off to get a bag of popcorn.

 

A young boy comes up, sits down next to him and asks, "Are you a cowboy?"

 

He turns to the youngster shaking his head. He says, "Well, a few minutes ago I thought I was."

[Amtekoth]

I haven't been by in a while, sorry. My newest pair of Lab Bratz episodes reflects a trend I've seen in academic publishing. Professors send their best work to the highest profile journals, of course. But then they have the dregs of their work written up and sent out to a "dumpster" journal that's just grateful to get anything from a big-name scientist.

 

I'm ashamed to say, I've been a party to this, from time to time. So, of course, I had to put it into my online comic.

 

Anyway, I hope that you find the 2 most recent strips humorous.

 

Ed

[Michaelangelica]

Subject: George W.....and dinner....

 

 

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

 

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

 

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

 

"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

 

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

 

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

 

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

 

"Stephen," he responds.

 

"And what is your question, Steve?"

 

"Actually, I have 6 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what happened to Stanley?"

[Michaelangelica]

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned.

He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed

through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[Boerseun]

So a duck walks into a bar.

 

"Got bread?" he asked the barman.

"No, sorry mate," the barman says, and the duck leaves.

 

Ten minutes later, the duck strolls back in, and asks: "Got bread?"

"I told you, no bread," and the duck leaves again.

 

Another ten minutes later, and the duck's back. "Got bread?"

"NO, dammit! Get out!" and the duck leaves.

 

Ten minutes later, same story. "Got bread?"

"Bloody hell, you stupid or deaf or sumtin'? I don't have any friggin' bread, and if you ask for bread again, I'll nail your bill to this here counter!"

So the duck goes away.

 

Ten minutes later, the duck is back.

He looks at the barman and asks: "Got a hammer?"

"No!"

"Got bread?"