Quality Jokes and Humor

[theblackalchemist]

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.

 

1. What language is spoken in France?

 

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

 

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (:naughty: sail the ocean © lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY

 

4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (:hihi: CATHOLIC © Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic

 

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

 

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?

 

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)

 

8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (:hihi: Southerners © NORTHERNERS

 

9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG

 

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

 

EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

 

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

 

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

 

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.

[Michaelangelica]

Catholic Heart Attack

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had to have bypass surgery.

 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

 

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

 

She asked if he had health insurance.

 

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

 

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied,

 

"No money in the bank."

 

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

 

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

 

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Boerseun]

...and so the Christmas advertising and humour season starts. *sigh*...

 

Got my first one on email today, which was pretty funny.

 

The crux of the matter was a letter, under the tree, to Santa:

 

"Dear Santa: If you leave a new bike under the tree, I'll give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk."

 

:doh:

[InfiniteNow]

Growing up in the northeast, we had a chain of supermarkets called "A&P." Just like any supermarket, you could buy your groceries and other misc. items. There was also a popular gas station, much like a 7-11, all along the highway and within some towns that was called the "Stop & Go." The head managers of both companies came together, and decided they could maximize their profits through a merger. Once the paperwork had been signed, they marketed their idea by combining their names, and welcomed all of their customers to "Stop & P." :beer:

[Spiked Blood]

What does bigamy mean? One wife too many. And monogamy? Same ****ing thing!

[paigetheoracle]

Before enlightenment - wash dishes, sweep floor. After enlightenment, trick someone else into doing it.

 

Before enlightenment - chop water, wash in sticks. After enlightenment chop sticks, wash in water.

 

I had a fatwa put on me once. It weighed so much I wished it had been a thinwa instead.

 

Travel broadens the mind - sitting broadens the behind.

 

Police like jumpers - they’re always pointing and shouting at drivers ‘Pullover!’

 

Never ask a cannibal if he’s on his last legs.

 

Do hedgehogs suffer from prickly heat?

 

A bad doctors life is a series of missed-aches.

 

What was George Michaels defence, when he was caught in a public toilet? ‘It won’t happen again - it was just a flash in the pan’.

 

Why do men treat women as objects? Because their objective is objectionable!

 

Excerpt from West Side Story “I’ve just sat on a tintack and I can’t help shouting - My rear! My rear!’

 

How to start an argument by I.M. Wright & U.R. Wong.

 

What did Ranulph Feines sing to himself as he dragged his sleigh through the icy wastes? ‘To - To - Tootsies, goodbye!’

 

A man was using a sledgehammer to smash a lump of concrete in his garden, when a friend turned up

‘Come on, put your back into it! Give it some Bruce Forsyth and ignorance!’

 

‘Hey Tom, it’s raining - what should we do?’

‘I don’t know about you but I’m hopping into MacDonalds for a Mac, a Big Mac’

 

Hand made - artificially inseminated.

Self-made man (see above)

 

Notice over prophets door ‘Staff wanted’

 

Frankenstein has his fathers eyes.

 

What was on Aran before Goat Fell? Goat standing up.

 

Sir Laurence Oliviers dog fell on hard times after it’s master died ‘Bonio, Bonio wherefort art thou Bonio?’

 

Did you hear about the religious nut who thought he was the object Jesus died on? Every time he ran across the road he shouted “Thank God I’m a-cross!”

 

What do burglars do in October, with some of the items they stole earlier in the year? They don’t return the candle sticks but they always put the clocks back.

 

Slave market offer of the week - buy Wong get Juan free!

B) :lol: :doh:

[paigetheoracle]

'Before we shoot you as a German spy, do you mind if we cover you with au-de-Colgne? When we caught you in that pigsty, you came out, how can I put this politely - whiffing a tad'

 

'Yes, of course I mind! You can lead a Horst to slaughter but you cannot make him stink!'

[InfiniteNow]

How's my parking?

http://www.nuts.co.uk/howsmyparking/

[InfiniteNow]

An atom walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "I've lost an electron." Bartender says, "How do you know?" Are you sure?" Atom says, "I'm positive."

[Pyrotex]

Four American presidents were swept up in a tornado and found themselves "over the rainbow" so to speak. After a while, they made their way to the front gate of the City of Oz. They banged on the gate.

 

A guard stuck his head out of a small door in the gate and said, "Wadda you want?"

 

Jimmy Carter said, "I want courage."

 

The guard said, "Not a problem, we can fix you up! Wadda you want?"

 

Richard Nixon said, "I want a heart."

 

The guard said, "Not a problem, we can fix you up! Wadda you want?"

 

George W. Bush said, "The American people have communicated to me that I need a brain."

 

The guard said, "Not a problem, we can fix you up! Wadda you want?"

 

Bill Clinton pondered the question for a moment, then said, "Is Dorothy here?"

[paigetheoracle]

Talking of American presidents....

 

The truth about the Kennedy assassination isn't as reported. It wasn't Lee Harvey Oswald and a gunman on the Grassy Knoll but an assassin in the book repository and a lazy, overconfident bastard sitting in a Parker Knoll recliner

[Pyrotex]

Talking of American presidents....

Uhhh... were you making a joke? I'm sorry, but that wasn't funny. Or maybe it was just waaaaaay over my punkin head. Or maybe it belongs in one of the political forums? Say, what?

[Boerseun]

Didn' geddit, either.

 

'Splain, brother man...

[InfiniteNow]

Dear Tech Support

 

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

 

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

 

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

____________ _________ _________ ________

 

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

 

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

 

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

 

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony -Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

 

The best course of action is to enter the command C: APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway

 

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 ..

 

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

 

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 .. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

 

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[Michaelangelica]

Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

 

Reposted from:

 

Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

 

Rev. Gabriel Burdett explains Intelligent Falling.

 

"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

 

Burdett added: "Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."

 

Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world's leading institution of evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation of the Bible.

 

According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.

 

The ECFR, in conjunction with the Christian Coalition and other Christian conservative action groups, is calling for public-school curriculums to give equal time to the Intelligent Falling theory. They insist they are not asking that the theory of gravity be banned from schools, but only that students be offered both sides of the issue "so they can make an informed decision."

 

"We just want the best possible education for Kansas' kids," Burdett said.

 

Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different theories used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not internally consistent. Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that Einstein's ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with quantum mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say, proves that gravity is a theory in crisis.

 

"Let's take a look at the evidence," said ECFR senior fellow Gregory Lunsden."In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about some gravity making them fall—just that they will fall. Then, in Job 5:7, we read, 'But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.' If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards with great surety? This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence governs all falling."

 

Critics of Intelligent Falling point out that gravity is a provable law based on empirical observations of natural phenomena. Evangelical physicists, however, insist that there is no conflict between Newton's mathematics and Holy Scripture.

 

"Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein's general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world," said Dr. Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work with the Kansan Youth Ministry. "They've been trying to do it for the better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical observation and carefully compiled data, they still don't know how."

 

"Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that 'gravity waves' and 'gravitons' are just secular words for 'God can do whatever He wants.'"

 

Some evangelical physicists propose that Intelligent Falling provides an elegant solution to the central problem of modern physics.

 

"Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the 'electromagnetic force,' the 'weak nuclear force,' the 'strong nuclear force,' and so-called 'force of gravity,'" Burdett said. "And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus."

 

(this article above is all a joke by scientists of course sending up the Intelligent Design (or IDiots for short)…but it sounds sooo like ‘Born agin’ logic it !

 

The following links below ARE for real unfortuately!!!

 

Galileo Was Wrong

Galileo Was Wrong ~ R. Sungenis, Ph.D. & R. Bennett, Ph.D.

 

Official Geocentricity Website

Geocentricity

 

The Earth is not Moving:the granddaddy of all conspiracies

The Earth Is Not Moving

 

The Geocentric Bible. Note the chapter titles

The Geocentric Bible

(contains link to "Galileo Was Wrong")

[eric l]

Trying to follow one of these links, I came upon a hacked website. There must be some intelligent design behind that !

[somebody]

So a man goes to a prostitute and pays are $10 for a night of pleasure. The next day he wasn't feeling good so he went to doctor and doctor said that he had crabs. He found the same prostitute asap and told her, "YOu gave me crabs!" She said, "what you expect for $10? Lobsters?"