Quality Jokes and Humor

[ughaibu]

George Bush is the Anti-Christ, I haven't figured out if it's humour or serious: George W Bush is the AntiChrist

[Pyrotex]

George Bush is the Anti-Christ, I haven't figured out if it's humour or serious: George W Bush is the AntiChrist

The man is dead serious. And here's the really scary part:

 

The man is not crazy, stupid or obsessive. His writing is professional quality, his tone is even, his sentences make sense, and he doesn't come across as a religious zealot at all. He's doing his best to prove that Bush Jr. is "the AntiChrist", and if you accept numerology and his conservative interpretation of the Old Testament, he actually does a rather good job of it.

 

You don't suppose he's right, do you? :Whistle: :hihi:

[theblackalchemist]

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are"

[theblackalchemist]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

[theblackalchemist]

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark''.

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.''

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.''

[theblackalchemist]

Ned: The Most Popular Man in the World

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.

"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned. "Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world." "Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!" "That so?" answers Bill, "How about the president of the United States?" "Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave. "That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!" "Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave. Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!" "J.P!" says Ned, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says, "Ned. You're the most popular man in the world." "I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

[Michaelangelica]

If you are sitting next to somone who irritates you on a plane or

train....

 

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Open this email.

6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

7. Then hit this link:

 

http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

 

and you might want to make alternate travel arrangements!!

[ronthepon]

:lol: Pitiful. Need more time though.

[Jay-qu]

and full screen, but I like the concept!

[Boerseun]

Newsflash, 2018:

 

"Michael Jackson, the first man to clone himself, today became the first person to sue himself, for molesting himself..."

 

(some movie I saw a while ago...):cup:

[InfiniteNow]

Why is a 1 iron the best golf club to have in a thunderstorm? Because, not even god can hit it.

 

;)

[Pyrotex]

We had a Japanese astronaut visit the Johnson Space Center here about six months ago for an extended stay. He was teamed up with an engineer born and raised in Texas. After a few days of showing the visitor around, and getting him situated in his new office, the Texan said,

 

"You know, I never heard no Jap speak English as good as you! How long you bin speaking English, or do you say 'Engrish'?"

 

The Japanese astronaut said, "I have been speaking English for four years."

 

"Just four years? That's amazing! I thought you Japs always got your R's and L's mixed up. Do you eat flied lice?"

 

"No, I eat fried rice."

 

"Damn, that was pretty good. Can you say it again, real fast?"

 

The Japanese astronaut, turned a little red in the face. Through gritted teeth, he said,

 

"I eat fried rice. You PLICK!"

[eric l]

The Japanese astronaut said, "I have been speaking English for four years."

 

"Just four years? That's amazing! I thought you Japs always got your R's and L's mixed up. Do you eat flied lice?"

 

"No, I eat fried rice."

 

"Damn, that was pretty good. Can you say it again, real fast?"

 

The Japanese astronaut, turned a little red in the face. Through gritted teeth, he said,

 

"I eat fried rice. You PLICK!"

 

It must be the same Japanese that had taken "ressons with a speach/ranguage therapsit" (In Dutch it sounds even better, because we call them "logopedist" which would come out as "rogopedist"

[ughaibu]

Japanese also cant hear the sound of "si" as japanese only has "shi", so they tend to over compensate, I have a friend who's fond of exclaiming "bull-sit".

[Pyrotex]

It must be the same Japanese that had taken "ressons with a speach/ranguage therapsit" (In Dutch it sounds even better, because we call them "logopedist" which would come out as "rogopedist"

I see you're from Belgium! Far out! Please send me a case of Palm beer. :eek:

Pyro

[chrissy]

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

 

 

 

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

 

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 a and Flowers

3.5.

 

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance . We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

 

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[Michaelangelica]

I didn't post this Mum

Honest

 

GIUSEPPE, THE ITALIAN LOVER

 

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Giuseppe was relaxing

At his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young

Blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back

To his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom

Where he rattled her senseless.

 

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Giuseppe reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time

She thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex

Finally ends and, again, Giuseppe smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again,

After a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and

Softly says, "No."

 

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,

Giuseppe reaches for the woman yet, again. Using the last of his

Strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking,

Clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

 

Exhausted, Giuseppe falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to

Turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again,

"You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,

 

"No, I Norwegian!!!!!"