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Posted

Just heard this today, new twist on old subject:

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

 

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

 

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You

NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You

know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE

SALT!"

 

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You

think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

 

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels

like when I'm driving."

 

Hee..Hee!

Posted

Americans and others can change the protagonist in this story I

I am sure you all have people that fit the bill

 

 

A man goes up to heaven and is greeted warmly by St. Peter at The Pearly Gates.

Peter welcomes the newcomer and they sart a friendly chat.

"Why don't I show you around heaven?" peter says.

The newcomer welcomes the help.

As he wanders around heaven he is surprised by the number of clocks.

Wherever he goes there are more and more clocks.

The newcomer to heaven puzzled, asks Pete about the clocks

"O" says peter, "Each clock represents a person on earth and every time someone lies the minute hand moves !`"

"Look here is Mother Teresa's the hands have never moved; and here is Nelson Mandella's the hand has only moved once." says St. Peter

The newcomer delighted, spends the rest of the day looking at all his living friends and relations.

Catching up with peter after a fun day he says "Great Pete, but I couldn't find Australian Prime Minister John Howard's clock anywhere."

"O sorry" says Peter,

"God's office gets very stuffy and he uses it as a ceiling fan!"

 

 

Prime Minister Howard is known as "Bonsai" as he is a "Little Bush"

Posted

A man hears that a new topless nightclub has been built just a few blocks from his house. On impulse, he decides to pay it a visit. He gets him a beer and a table and watches the dancing for a while. Then a gorgeous redhead asks to sit at his table and they strike up a conversation. Her dress is hardly more than a negligee and she has a magnificent body. She bends over real close and whispers, give me a hundred dollars, and I'll do anything you want... no matter what it is... I'll do anything your heart desires... and I guarantee you'll love it... I'm a professional.

 

The man takes a thoughtful swig of beer. Nods his head. Gets out his wallet, and takes out five 20's. He slides them toward the woman and says, "okay, paint my house."

Posted

For those of you that do not enjoy "flame" humor, you had best skip this one. :)

 

What follows is widely recognized as the flame to end all flames. For those who do not know, a "flame" is a post that basically insults another poster. Such are NOT allowed in Hypography, so do NOT try this at home boys and girls. Back in the days of USENET, flaming was raised to a high art form, and "flame wars" could be seen raging for days or weeks in USENET sites involved with sensitive subjects such as politics, religion and whether the PC or the Mac was a superior computer.

 

Having said all that--and if your stomach can handle it--I present:

 

<The Flame to End All Flames>

by Guy Macon (Used with permission)

 

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

 

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

 

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

 

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

 

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

 

You snail-skulled little rabbit…. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

 

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? …You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

 

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of pus. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of mildewed wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go….

 

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid.

 

You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know.

 

I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

 

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners…. Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

</The Flame to End All Flames>

Posted
  Boerseun said:
D'ya think you'll see her for breakfast, though...?
It all depends on whether or not I can slip my arm out from under her head without waking her up... :shrug:
Posted

Stevie Wonder was playing a sold out concert in China. After finishing a song, he asked the crowd to pick a song for him to play. At once, a man in the front row yelled out "Play a jazz chord". So Stevie went into a jazz jam and it was phenomenal and the crowd went wild. After finishing he asked for another request. The same man yelled out "Play a jazz chord". So Stevie, a little perturbed at this point went into a massive jazz jam and the whole band gave it their all for 20 minutes straight. After the cheering had died down, Stevie heard the man chanting again "Play a jazz chord, Play a jazz chord". At the end of his patience, Stevie asked the man if he could come on stage and do better. So the man jumped on stage and started singing "A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you".

 

:confused:

:shrug:

Posted

This is an old joke my Dad used to tell and it's pretty dry and witty, but hey, where else than Hypo-land right? I'm modifying it a bit so it reads more like an actual short story.

 

Three bricklayers were working on a construction site and soon grew tired of their monotonous expenditures throughout the day. Barney turned to Pete and Allen and proposed a bet as he exclaimed, "I can throw this brick further than either of you". Pete and Allen refuted Barney's claim and made their own claims of macho-ness.

 

The bet was on and each of the three men painted their bricks a different color.

 

Barney stepped up first, with his green brick, and exclaimed, "I painted my brick green which means go! This brick is going to keep on going!". He slung the brick across the open expanse of prairie grass and the brick finally landed a football field away. Barney grinned from ear to ear as he patted Pete and Allen's backs in a subtle attempt at coercively-generated defeat.

 

Allen took his yellow brick in hand and mightily hoisted it above his left shoulder as he began his clockwork-spinning, in a counter-clockwise circle. He threw the brick while screaming, "Yellow means go, no yield!". The brick soared through the air with upward movement that seemed to defy gravity. Everyone watched as the brick finally descended back to its earthly domain, several hundred meters behind Barney's red brick.

 

Pete could not control his laughter at this time and almost peed his pants. Barney was dismayed at his early loss, but was uplifted by Pete's laughter. "Surely Pete is going to just give up now as this is silly at this point", Barney thought to himself.

 

Pete jumped up at once and started running forward with his red brick yelling "no stop!". And he was right...

The red brick soared even higher than the yellow one and was lost in the sun of the afternoon. They never found it.

:lol:

:lol:

:shrug:

 

Oh man, I love that joke :D

If you didn't find the first one too funny, then you'll probably crack up with this next one:

 

An airplane left New York, bound for Paris. A gentleman sitting next to a lady with a parrot lit a cigar soon after takeoff (this is an old joke so bear with me). The parrot started saying "bad man" as the lady turned towards her neighbor, in disgust, and started coughing. The man became furious with the bird's claims and filed an immediate verbal complaint with the owner. The stewardesses were eventually needed as the dispute turned into a heated fiasco which disrupted the entire plane. After deciding upon a resolution, the stewardess told both occupants that in order to create peace, both sides must be free of their opponents aggravations. She promptly took the cigar and parrot and headed towards the emergency exit door. The woman jumped up screaming in dismay as the man chuckled to himself at the "fair" treatment. The door was opened briefly and both items were tossed as flotsam. The lady began crying, mourning the loss of her best friend. The man could not contain his laughter.

 

The mixed-emotion flight finally pulled into Paris and was taxiing down the runway. Lo and behold, guess what was on the runway?

 

The parrot! It was hobbling about, very injured, but alive. The woman began crying tears of joy, but soon noticed something strange.

 

Guess what the parrot had in its beak?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Red Brick!!! :(

Posted

Freeztar,

death by hanging is too good for you. Being drawn and quartered is about right, but quite frankly, just wouldn't last long enough to give me any satisfaction. Burning at the stake sounds more appropriate.

 

:hihi:

Posted

I have just launched a red brick toward freeztar

 

This looks more like The Onion rather than where it actually comes from - The NY Times!

  Quote

F.D.A. Issues Warning on Sleeping Pills

By STEPHANIE SAUL 1:47 PM ET

 

The F.D.A. ordered makers to print label warnings about risks and side effects like driving and eating while asleep.

Release From the F.D.A.

http://www.nytimes.com/?nl=ep&emc=ep&rd=hcmcp?p=04AcV$04AcY$518vqx012000mzTyszTv9

Posted

ELEMENT: WOMAN

SYMBOL: WO

DISCOVERER: ADAM

ATOMIC MASS:

Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.

OCCURRENCE:

Copious quantities in all urban areas.

 

Physical Properties:

 

1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.

2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter if incorrectly used.

5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

 

Chemical Properties:

 

1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.

5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

 

Common Uses:

 

1. Highly ornamental.

2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.

3. Very effective cleaning agent.

 

Tests:

 

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

 

Hazards:

 

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be

maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come

into contact with each other.

Posted

New scientific theories

 

2nd RunnerUp- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn

to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change

outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so

they must yawn to even it all out.

Posted

A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never

be absolute, unless absolutely necessary:

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In

English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some

languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a

negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can

form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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