Quality Jokes and Humor

[freeztar]

Ok, last one......for now...

 

 

New scientific theories

 

GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its

feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered

side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the

back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the

ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace

pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays"

could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.

 

:lol:

[freeztar]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate

father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to

arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be

here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby

photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

 

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of

babies"

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

 

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the

couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is

fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different

angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"

"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in

and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their

mother was so difficult to work with"

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job

done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get

a good look"

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The

mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the

squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,

um......equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we

can get to work."

"Tripod?????"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for

me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's

fainted!!"

[freeztar]

Real excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling)

 

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.

Please execute him.

 

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

 

3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32,

and also 33.

 

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

 

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out

of a tree and misplaced his hip.

 

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

 

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was

hurt in the growing part.

 

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered

by very close veins.

 

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

 

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

 

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)

(dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

 

12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

 

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

 

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

 

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because

I don't know what size she wears.

 

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to

get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday,

we thought it was Sunday.

 

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her

funeral.

 

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a

weekend with the Marines.

 

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and

could not breed well.

 

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with

gramps.

 

21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore

throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever

and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all

over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must

be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

 

22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His

father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed

with the doctor.

[freeztar]

New Chemical Element Discovered

 

 

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by

investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively

named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic

number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75

vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass

of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the

continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

 

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be

detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one

reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally

occurred in less than a second.

 

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which

time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which

assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

 

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally

in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as

government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be

found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

 

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of

concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is

allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

[Michaelangelica]

The Sound of Silence

PG-Rated

 

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So, " says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

 

"Why, I've been to the pub of course, " slurs the drunk. "Well, " says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening. " "I did all right, " the drunk says with a smile.

 

"Did you know, " says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car? "

 

"Oh, thank heavens, " sighs the drunk.

 

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf. "

March 17, 2007

great joke site

Forwarded Funnies: The Sound of Silence

[freeztar]

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically

to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets

and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is

to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to

test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about

the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new

high-speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired,

the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel,

crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,

crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest

in two and embedded itself in the back of the cabin. Horrified, the

Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with

the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for

suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the

chicken".

[freeztar]

Engineering history lesson

 

It's not very often that we ask why things are the way

they are but here's an answer for you, The US standard railroad gauge

(distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an

exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way

they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English

expatriates. Why did the English build them that way? Because the first

rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad

tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that

gauge?

 

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools

that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. So

why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well, if they

tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of

the old, long distance roads in England, because that was the spacing of

the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? The first long

distance roads in England were built by Imperial Rome for their legions.

The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? The ruts

in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their

wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots

were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter

of wheel spacing. The US standard railroad gauge of 4 feet-8.5 inches

derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war

chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time

you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's arse came up

with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots

were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two war

horses. Thus we have the answer to the original question. Now for the

twist to the story. When we see a space shuttle sitting on it's

launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the

main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are

made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the

SRB's might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had

to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad

line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The

tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track

is about as wide as two horses' rumps. So, a major design feature of

what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system has

determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's arse!

Don't you just love engineering?

[Michaelangelica]

I like it

 

 

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.

The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun.

He explains 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.' Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, 'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!'

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?'

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks 'Well, so what's the answer?' Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

[Monomer]

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 

This gives two possibilities:

 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

[Michaelangelica]

Politics Explained

 

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

 

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

 

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

 

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

 

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

 

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

 

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

 

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

 

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

 

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

 

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

 

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

 

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

 

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

(Original source unknown . . . this version expanded and Illuminated by SJ.)

Politics Explained

Steve Jackson Games

[Pyrotex]

The mother of a 13-year old girl gets off the phone and calls out for her daughter. The attractive blonde, blue-eyed girl walks into the kitchen.

 

"Susie, we're going to grandma's house this evening. We'll be spending the weekend, so you might consider what toys you want to take with you."

 

"Oh goodie, Mom! That's terrific! I'll take all my dolls."

 

"Oh, no, young lady. There's not going to be enough room in the car for all your dolls. I suggest you pick out just two dolls, okay?"

 

The daughter nodded and went back to her room. An hour later, she sought out her mother.

 

"Mom, I've decided on the two dolls. I'm taking my Barbie doll and my G.I. Joe doll."

 

"But Susie, I thought Barbie came with Ken."

 

"No, Mom. Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She only fakes it with Ken."

[freeztar]

Sometimes the best humor is the truth...

 

This is from an email I recieved from biologicaldiversity.org on 4/2/07:

It's been a very, very bad week for the Bush Administration. It can't win for trying with federal judges, inspector generals and even the Supreme Court taking it to task for destroying the environment, ignoring environmental laws and abusing federal scientists. Having caused much of the administration's headache, the Center for Biological Diversity has established a fund to fed ex a carton of aspirin to Pennsylvania Avenue (https://maxvps016.maximumasp.com/V016U45GEB/joinus/ee/joinus.html)

 

:)

[Guest chendoh]

It doesn't matter.

 

A person of Letters, understands their audience. And will try to convey the essence of the conversation.

 

The world does not exist solely for me.

[freeztar]

:)

[Boerseun]

Ditto to the powa o' ten!

[freeztar]

Well...anyways, back on track now...

 

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next

to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he

notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her

about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual

statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest

average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the

way my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."

[freeztar]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a

timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow-

ing agreement:

 

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer",

and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb",

do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party

of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current

position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon

duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina-

tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the

entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living

area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover

illumination being at the option of the party of the second part

(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be-

tween the parties.

 

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be

limited to, the following steps:

 

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without

elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or

any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part

(Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)

in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-

negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second

part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first

part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the

first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the

party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore-

mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to

perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The

foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that

structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)

may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and

in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held

blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement

is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil

(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part

(Lawyer) throughout.

 

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part

(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part

("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have

the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light

Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local

and federal statutes.

 

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party

of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning

installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb").

This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the

reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-

same document, being careful to note that the rotation should

occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-

negotiable.

 

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option

of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the

first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all

persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to

produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of

the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with

maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth

part, also known as "The Firm".