Quality Jokes and Humor

[freeztar]

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you

going?" he asked.

 

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to

do what I do for you for free!"

 

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS

bags.

 

"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

 

"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a

year!"

[Boerseun]

You're stuck in a zoo cage with a hungry lion, a hungry crocodile and a lawyer. You've got a gun with two bullets.

 

Whaddaya do?

 

Shoot the lawyer, twice.

[Tormod]

What's a lawyer at the bottom of the sea?

[Boerseun]

What's a lawyer at the bottom of the sea?

...a good start? :confused:

[Tormod]

...a good start? :confused:

 

That was easy. :hyper:

[Pyrotex]

The founder of the most powerful and feared law firm in the city had hired an up-and-coming graduate out of Harvard Law School, and was giving him a welcome by taking him out to an expensive restaurant followed by drinks at an exclusive bar.

 

While discussing the young man's future, a gorgeous woman entered the bar. Red hair, perfectly coiffed. A face like Helen of Troy. A red dress of pure silk, cut on the bias, which dipped waaaay down to there, and slit up the sides waaaay up to here. Legs to die for. A come-hither look and a slow sexy walk that could start fights. She passed by the table where the two lawyers were silently staring at her every move. As she passed, she winked at the younger lawyer--then continued on to the bar.

 

The younger lawyer managed to gain control of his tongue and turned to the older lawyer.

 

"Wouldn't you just LOVE to screw her?!?!?!?!?"

 

The older lawyer glanced over his shoulder at her for a second, turned back, scratched his chin, knit his brows, remained thoughtful for a moment and then with a puzzled look, he said, "Out of what?"

[Pyrotex]

Smart Remarks

Subject: Smart Remarks

From: [email protected] (MacEddie)

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns

 

Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

More silliness

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Frodo failed. George Bush has the ring.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!

Don't believe everything you think.

Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.

Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.

There's no place like 127.0.0.1.

So many cats, so few recipes.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

[freeztar]

Time to put a cork in it - Newspaper stories & ads - images - carcino.gen.nz

[Michaelangelica]

http://www.nata2.info/d/pictures/f/americans.gif

[Jay-qu]

http://www.nata2.info/d/pictures/f/americans.gif

I love that one :lol:

[Michaelangelica]

The two cows "joke" is taken to it's apotheosis here at wiki

You have two cows - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I liked best

Real Capitalism:

You don't have any cows.

The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

and enron

Enron Capitalism:

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public buys your bull.

[Guest chendoh]

The public buys your bull.

 

'Ole...'Ole

[freeztar]

Funny or Die

[Michaelangelica]

Virgins in heaven

[InfiniteNow]

Helpdesk humor.

 

Download and enjoy. Cheers. :P

 

(turn sound on)

[Michaelangelica]

THE OLD MOTOR

He's 80, she's 20.

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old

girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.

The same nurse said: "You're amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well,

well! !! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor

running"

The nurse said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black!!!"

[HappytheStripper]

I have picked out a few words that have become highly prejudiced through propaganda or other “culture” efforts. Here are the words.

 

Attention Deficiency: To improve bad theater the management may either try to have the play changed or to reprogram the audience. The second option, believe it or not, is tried occasionally and never seems to succeed as well as the first.

 

Monotheism: happy unity of church, state, physics and whatever?

 

Fetish: what do they carry on long sticks in processions?

 

2nd coming: (not here now) So who is in charge?

 

judgment: (religious type) future appointment not an ongoing process?

 

Intellectual: is an individual who is able to confuse others about his own incompetence by manipulating language.

 

Superman: I seem to prefer the underman. Not sure why. Pets?

 

Ambition: at whose or whats expense?

 

Work ethic: invented mainly for unattractive labor

 

Servitude: finally an accurate word (not in use)

 

Superfluous: note how this word too has disappeared from usage. Why? There isn't anything suerfluous nowadays?

 

Academic: when presented with a problem will tell you at once who else was puzzled by it.

 

Destruction: can destroy the prison of BS too and so create freedom)

 

Introvert: extrovert says nothing about the unpleasantness of crowds, lack of privacy and overcrowding

 

Conservative: is a label that carries as much meaning as "fashionable" does and it has no real contrary. It seems to be a description of a lack in the individuals so designated. Its entertainment value lies in the periodic attempts to convert this lack of human content into a simulation of a living entity, a philosophy which then becomes a performance akin to the Night of the Living Dead which I highly recommend in the black and white version.

I promise you that performance is not easily forgotten.

 

Ashley