Quality Jokes and Humor

[freeztar]

MEN ONLY!!!

 

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

 

MANLAWS

 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

 

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

( When Jim Brown buys it in The Dirty Dozen

© After wrecking your boss's new car

(d) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

 

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

 

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

 

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

 

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However you can bark your @** off if the beer's temperature is also unsuitable.

 

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

 

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

 

9a: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and only if it's delivered by a t*pless model and then only when it's free.

 

9b The same applies to men ordering pseudo-coffee (e.g. decaf mocha latte frappacino with whipped cream and cinnamon). If you can't drink "real" coffee then face it... you need to go see a Shrink and talk to them about your sexual preferences and latent tendencies.

 

10: Only in situations of eminent moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

 

11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

 

13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

14: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

15: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza. But don't every reach for both, that's just greedy.

 

16: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. See item #9 above.

 

17: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

 

18: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets Craftsman tools. End of story.

 

19: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Figure Skating or Synchronized Swimming. Ever. End of story.

[Jay-qu]

Yami: Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by

cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could

live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go

to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So

all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

Yami: The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten

apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to

shove the fruits up your *** without any expression on your

face or you'll be eaten."

Yami: The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out

in pain, so he was killed.

Yami: The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the

king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this

should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the

ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

Yami: The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one

asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it" The

second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy

coming with pineapples."

 

:lol: :) :lol: :doh: :lol: :hihi: :lol: :hihi: :lol: :hihi: :lol: :hihi: :lol: :hihi: :lol: :hihi: :lol: :hihi: :lol: :hihi:

[Pyrotex]

Yami? say what?

 

Is that an acronym?

[Boerseun]

Yami? say what?

 

Is that an acronym?

Yes.

 

It's a disclaimer on untreated rough woollen underwear, and stands for

"Your *** may itch".

[Pyrotex]

Good joke.

Cute acronym.

 

Now I have to go out and buy new underwear.

[freeztar]

Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old and wheelchair bound.

 

Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had.

 

One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds. She confronted him and said, "Where were you these past couple of nights?"

 

He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman."

 

"You bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?"

 

"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied.

 

"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.

 

"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old."

 

"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.

 

Bill smiled and said, "Parkinson's."

[DougF]

Irish Viagra

 

 

An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.

 

Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

 

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

 

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".

 

"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?

 

Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

 

Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

 

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

[DougF]

THE BATHTUB TEST

 

 

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

 

DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[HomoSapiens]

I stick with the bed next to you haha!

[freeztar]

I stick with the bed next to you haha!

 

You picked the teaspoon too?

[DougF]

:hihi:

:hihi:

 

Words of wisdom

 

THE DONKEY

 

 

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

 

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

 

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

 

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of

the well and happily trotted off!

 

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

 

 

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

 

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

 

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

 

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

 

4. Give more.

 

5. Expect less

 

NOW --------

 

Enough of that crap . .

 

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

 

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

 

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ***, it always comes back to bite you.

 

:hihi::hihi:

 

 

:hihi::hihi:

[Michaelangelica]

Just keeping the hypography garden theme going -against insurmountable -almost- odds:)

 

:hihi: The Gardener. :hihi:

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.

Later they go on to a

show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says

"I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a

beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

 

She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and

when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.

He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it

said "Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a

garden wall"

:hihi::rose::hihi:

[DougF]

You Republican lovers will like this!!!

 

(A Friend sent me this and it’s all meant in fun)

 

:hihi::hihi::hihi::hihi::hihi::hihi::hihi::hihi::hihi::hihi:

 

 

Subject: Can someone explain to me how this happened?

 

How did the citizens of the greatest country in the world let this happen to our country?

 

 

 

RESUME

GEORGE W. BUSH

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE

 

LAW ENFORCEMENT

 

I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol.

I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days.

My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

 

MILITARY

 

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.

I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use.

By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

 

COLLEGE

 

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.

I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE

 

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went

bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.

With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry, including Enron CEO Ken Lay, I was elected governor of Texas.

 

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS

 

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

 

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT

 

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

 

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, had a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign

donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating Enron, one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.

 

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.

After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty

troops and their families-in-wartime.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden [sic] to justice.

 

RECORDS AND REFERENCES

 

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are

sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding

public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

 

I am a member of the Republican Party.

 

 

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN THE 2006 MIDTERM ELECTIONS.

 

 

PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY VOTER YOU KNOW.

[DougF]

:hihi::hihi::hihi:;)

 

 

Those Born 1930-1979!

 

TO ALL THE KIDS

 

WHO SURVIVED the

1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

 

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

 

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

 

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we

rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

 

 

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

 

 

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

 

 

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and

 

NO ONE actually died from this.

 

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because .

 

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !

 

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

 

No one was able to reach us all day.

 

And we were O.K.

 

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down

the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. < /P>

 

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no ce! ll phon es, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

 

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no

lawsuits from these accidents.

 

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

 

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

 

made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

 

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and kno cked on the door or rang

the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

 

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

 

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

 

They actually sided with the law!

 

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

 

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

 

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

 

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

 

If YOU are one of them . . CONGRATULATIONS!

 

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as

kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives

 

for our own good

 

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

 

 

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

 

 

;):hihi:;):hihi:

[paigetheoracle]

A man tried to contact an old friend in China. After 6 goes he slammed the reciever down in disgust.

"What's wrong Darling?" his wife asked.

"Every time I try to phone up Frank Choi all I get is a Wong number!"

 

King Charles had dandruff - I bet he's missing his head and shoulders now!

 

What did Baron Frankenstein when someone caught him making a monster? He made a bolt for it!

 

When it comes to alcohol consumption - Buds weiser than either Becks or Miller.

 

Since George Bush came to power is it true the Americans swear to an oaf of allegiance?

 

Obituary for 'Fiddler on the Roof' star - Topol, over

 

A bisexual murderer, who killed both his male and female lover, was found guilty and hanged today - he swung both ways

 

Devils Dictionary

 

Arrogance - stupidity disguised as insanity

Conservative - Labour saving device

Weightlifting - fat man getting out of a chair

Defiant - somebody who wants what they want, not what you want to give

them

[DougF]

Subject: Monks are copying from copies

 

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

 

 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 

 

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

 

 

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

 

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

 

 

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

 

"We missed the R !"

"We missed the R !"

"We missed the R !"

 

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

 

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

 

 

"CELEBRATE !!!"

.

.

.

:confused:

[Michaelangelica]

 

Buffy for president. No more Vampires.