Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

Subject: A husband and wife came for counselling

 

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful

tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been

married. She went on and on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,

loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met

needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the

therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to

stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and

quietly sat down as though in a daze.

 

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs

at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

 

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here

on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[Jay-qu]

Subject: A husband and wife came for counselling

 

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful

tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been

married. She went on and on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,

loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met

needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

 

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the

therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to

stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and

quietly sat down as though in a daze.

 

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs

at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

 

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here

on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

must have been an aussie guy

[DougF]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

 

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

 

"I'm out of gas," the man replied.

 

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

 

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "what did you put in my gas tank"?

 

The bee answered,

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

 

 

BP

 

 

(I see you smiling) :)

[eric l]

Now I see why there are so few gasstations of that brand left !

• Mystery Bee Disappearances Sweeping U.S.
  

There is cuurently an epidemic among honey bees in Belgium, too.

[DougF]

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...

it goes like this:

 

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O

P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

 

and

 

 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But,

 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and *** kissing that will put you over the top.

[Michaelangelica]

bloodhound

This is cruel an inhumane treatment of an animal

 

Perhaps you can make your own caption to the photo

[freeztar]

"no treat is worth THAT!"

 

"What happened to the tennis ball?"

 

"I don't care if he is the president of the US, I'm not going near those things!"

[Hill]

Subject: Can someone explain to me how this happened?

 

How did the citizens of the greatest country in the world let this happen to our country?

 

 

If this wasn't true it would be funny. :hihi: ;)

[Hill]

:hihi:;););)

 

 

Those Born 1930-1979!

 

TO ALL THE KIDS

 

WHO SURVIVED the

1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

 

 

;):hihi:;):hihi:

 

Don't forget making plastic models with that old polystyrene glue, fun games like Lawn Darts, those toy soldiers made of lead, playing with mercury from broken thermometers, skates that clipped on to your shoes and were tightened with a key, and, of course walking several miles to and from school (sometimes both ways uphill in a blizzard :hihi:)

[Hill]

Two hunters from Louisiana got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all onboard; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.Climbing out of the wreck Boudreaux asked Thibodeaux, "Any idea where we are?" "Yaaah, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year...............

[Hill]

QANTAS AIRLINES

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"

which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics

correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots

review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that

ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance

complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions

recorded (marked with an S) By maintenance engineers.

 

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

 

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

....................................................................

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

 

More flight humor:

 

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71/ Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always

remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (his backseater)

and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles up.

We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft and the

Los Angeles Air Traffic Control Center as we entered the Los Angeles area airspace.

Though they didn't really control us, the Center did monitor our movement across their scope.

 

I heard a single-engine Cessna ask for a read-out of its ground speed.

 

"90 knots," Center replied.

 

Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same.

 

"120 knots," Center answered.

 

We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day; as almost

instantly an F/A-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."

 

There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

 

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was,

when I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater.

It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for

we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"

 

There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen 20, I show 1,742 knots."

 

There were no further ground speed inquiries.

 

============================================================

 

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a

request for clearance to FL 850 (flight level 85,000 ft). The incredulous controller,

with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How exactly do you plan to get up to

85,000 feet?"

 

The pilot (obviously a sled driver) responded, "Center, we were hoping to descend to it."

 

He was cleared immediately....

 

 

And...

 

Conversations overheard between pilots and Air Traffic Controllers.

 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

 

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the

Little Fokker in sight."

 

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for take-off."

 

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

Note: these instructions tell me that this was at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport

 

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

 

Taxiing down the Tarmac, a United DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

 

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

 

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635:

 

"Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

 

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a Real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some Amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British

Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now".

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

 

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[DougF]

Hill

If this wasn't true it would be funny.

:hihi:

Hill

Don't forget making plastic models with that old polystyrene glue' date=' fun games like Lawn Darts, those toy soldiers made of lead, playing with mercury from broken thermometers, skates that clipped on to your shoes and were tightened with a key, and, of course walking several miles to and from school (sometimes both ways uphill in a blizzard ) [/quote']

Aaahh the good old days. ;)

Hill

Two hunters from Louisiana got a pilot to ........

Thats a Good one! :hihi:

 

Two guys flying along in a tween engine airplane when all the sudden one of the engine's quit the first guy says (How far do you think that other engine will take us?) the second guy says (All the way to the crash site!) :hihi:

[DougF]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

 

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

[freeztar]

hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

[Hill]

Just in case you haven't seen this, it's a pretty good guide for us clueless guys. My wife and I get a great kick out of this.

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done... "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint ! . Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A

Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[DougF]

 

Oil Change instructions for Women:

 

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

 

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00

Coffee: $1.00

Total: $21.00

 

Oil Change instructions for Men:

 

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

 

Money spent:

Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $20.00

Total $4,145.00

(But you know the job was done right!)

 

 

SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH...... AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT....

:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

[Hill]

Oil Change instructions for Women & Oil Change instructions for Men

 

:hihi: My ribs hurt, I have tears running down my face. And luckily I had already finished my soda, otherwise I would have had it all over my screen and keyboard.:hihi: