Quality Jokes and Humor

[DougF]

Subject: Dear Wife

 

 

 

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good...!!!

I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show

for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

 

 

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a

new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of

silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight

to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me

anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything.

 

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever

the case is, I'm gone.

 

Your EX-Husband

 

P.S. Don't try to find me.

Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a

great life!

 

* * * *> > > >* * * * *> * * > * * * * * *> > > >

Dear Ex-Husband:

 

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that

you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a

far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they

drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

 

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that

came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not

to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my

favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER,

because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you

 

when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I

prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed

fifty dollars from me that morning ... and your silk boxers were $49.99...

 

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,

 

I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home

you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the

fulfilling life you always wanted.

 

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime

from me. So take care.

 

Signed:

Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

 

P.S. I don't

know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was

born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

 

 

;) :doh: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

[DougF]

Good Old Man

 

Has it ever bothered you when the doctor's assistant asks you why you are here? Of course you feel compelled to answer, though you have to answer in front of total strangers in the lobby.

 

Many times, your reason for being there can be quite embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist! Said,

"Yes sir, what are you seeing doctor for today?"

 

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come

into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

 

The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

 

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of

Strangers if the answers could embarrass anyone.

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

 

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes??"

 

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

 

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

 

"And what is wrong with your ear sir??"

 

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

 

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

 

The moral of the story is: If you mess with seniors, you're going to lose......

[Hill]

Good Old Man

 

......

 

As long as we are down here in the urology department, I thought you might appreciate this one.

 

Dirty Old Lady

 

A little old lady went into the bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak to the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” After hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office. (The customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “165,000!”and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all of this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get all of this money?”

The old lady replied, “ I make bets.”

The president then asked, “ Bets? What kind of bets?”

The old woman said, “ Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!”, laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”

The old lady challenged, “ So, would you like to take my bet?”

“ Sure,” said the president. “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The old lady then said, “Okay, but since there’s a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?”

“ Sure,” said the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was absolutely sure that there was no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the bank president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well, Okay”, said the president, “$25,000 sure is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”

She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have bank president’s balls in my hand.”

 

It sounds like this story has the same moral as yours. :lol:

[DougF]

Hill

As long as we are down here in the urology department' date=' I thought you might appreciate this one.[/quote']

When you started out like this I knew it was going to be good. ;)

 

And I was right. :lol: :lol: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

[Pyrotex]

The President of the United States had a problem. It was January, but that wasn't his problem. It had snowed more than twenty inches during the night, leaving the Rose Garden a smooth pristine blanket of white, with snow drifts up to four feet deep. That wasn't his problem either.

 

The problem is that someone had pissed on one of the snowbanks. They had pissed cursive writing, and the message said, "The Prez is a wimp". This made the leader of the Free World rather angry, so he called in his chief of security to find the culprit.

 

After an hour, the chief of security returned.

"Mister President, I have bad news and even worse news."

"Okay, so give me the bad news."

"DNA analysis of the urine proves that it came from your Vice President."

"That is bad news. And to think I trusted that SOB. What's the worser news?"

"Mister President, the message was written in your wife's hand-writing."

[Michaelangelica]

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

 

 

 

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds

 

 

 

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

 

 

 

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from the front of the crowd, pierces the quiet ............

 

 

 

"Well, stop foockin doin it then!"

[Michaelangelica]

Subject: Fw: Martyrs

 

 

 

Oops!

 

 

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's

milk.

 

The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures

and reminiscing. This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."

 

The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."

 

Mom says, "He's a martyr now."

 

"Oh, so sad, my dear."

 

Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He would

be 21."

 

"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."

 

Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."

 

"Oh gracious me," says the second mother.

 

"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18." Mom

whispers.

 

"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started

school."

 

"He's a martyr also" Mom says, with tears in her eyes.

 

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at

the photos and says,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Michaelangelica]

Subject: Australian Terrorist Attack

 

 

 

 

 

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.

 

 

 

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

 

 

 

"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Tony Abbott.

 

 

 

"They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

 

 

 

The driver asks, "How much, on average, is everyone giving,?"

 

 

 

The man answers: - "About a litre."

[Michaelangelica]

At the barber's...

 

 

 

John Howard and Kevin Rudd somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

 

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

 

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

 

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kevin in his chair reached for the aftershave.

 

Rudd was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

 

The second barber turned to John Howard and said, "How about you Mr. Howard?"

 

John replied, "Go ahead, Jeanette doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

[Hill]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

 

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

 

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Well, it' s not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

[DougF]

Hill

Customer support: WordPerfect Helpline

Good one! sounds like someone I know.

[DougF]

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

 

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

 

 

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

.

.

.:hihi: :D :eek: :doh: :cup: :)

.

[DougF]

Can you solve this puzzle?

 

You are riding on a beautiful white horse. On your left side is a drop off.

On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.

In front of you are four large gazelles which won't get out of your way

and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get your drunk *** off the merry-go-round. *

[eric l]

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

 

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

 

 

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

 

 

.:hihi: :D :eek: :doh: :cup: :)

.

 

Received this for the first time about two years ago !

"Without a problem" is highly exagerated :

• it takes a lot more time to read such a text than to read the same one in "standard" transcription
  
• you get into problems with anagrams
  
• you also have problems with words that are a bit simmilar like "possible" and "probable" or "received" and "revised"
  

Spelling not important ? Maybe not if your readers have plenty of time for decyphring.

[DougF]

What can a bird do that

a man can not do ?

Now don't cheat....think about it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

|/

|/

|/

 

|/

|/

|/

 

 

Whistle through his pecker !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HA HA HA HA HA

 

I don't make em up ... I just send em along!

 

[DougF]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

 

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good,the smell was wonderful.

 

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

 

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

 

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order,we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

 

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,

 

"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday. "

 

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

 

 

 

"Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[New-ideas]

A guy walks into his local pub and sits down beside the bar, he then orders a drink. The barman notices he has big grin on his face so asks "why u so happy then?"

"Well" replies the guy,

"you would not believe what happened to me last night! I was walking home from work, the usual way i go over the railway line, when i noticed a beautiful woman strapped to the railway tracks! so I untied her and took her home and i had rampant sex with her all through the night, it was fantastic!".

"Oh right" says the barman,

"sounds good, so what she look like?",

"duno I never found the head"

 

hope that gets a few chuckles, or cries or sheer digust :confused: