Quality Jokes and Humor

[pgrmdave]

So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

[Qfwfq]

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing Surgeries that they had performed.

 

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

 

One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

 

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling eighty miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's *** and a cowboy hat. Now, he's president of the United States."

[rockytriton]

A horse walks into a bar, the bar tender says "Why the long face?".

[Biochemist]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

 

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

 

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that obvious?)

"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

 

"If you do I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

[Queso]

HAHAHAH! i love it.

[infamous]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

 

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

 

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that obvious?)

"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

 

"If you do I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Good one Bio. I'll have to remember this one.

[Turtle]

___A man is traveling through Canada & finding himself hungry, he stops at a restaurant. The special is fish & chips so he orders it & finds it is the best fish & chips he's ever had. He asks the waiter if he can have the recipe & the waiter says that they just cook the recipe & it's prepeared up the road at a monestary. The man gets directions & heads to the monestary where he rings a bell at a gate & a robed priest appears. The man says he's just had the fish & chips down the road & can he have the recipe, & the priest invites him in. As they procede down a long hall, the man being a bit of a smart aleck says to the priest, so, I guess your the fish friar then? Without missing a beat the priest replies, no, actually I'm the chip monk. :naughty:

[Queso]

ahahahaha nice! these jokes are great.

[JerryB]

Really embarrassed! and really sorry about post #11.

I forgot to include the title and it must have seemed

more like a puzzle than a joke without it. What a waste.

Anyway it's there now, never mind.

[JerryB]

Actually I started to read them through and it suddenly

occurred to me that I didn't need to go to all the trouble

since you would do it for me. Thanks again. I'm off

to correct them.

 

That reminds me of another joke. I'll post it

next time.

Can't wait

Okay so here's that joke:

 

 

**********************************************

 

Three Welshmen and three Englishmen are travelling by train to

a football match in London. At the station, the three English each

buy a ticket and watch as the three Welsh buy just one ticket

between them.

 

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks

one of the English. "Watch and learn" answers one of the Welshmen.

 

They all board the train. The English take their respective seats but

all three Welsh cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

 

Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the

tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please".

 

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in

hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

 

The English are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they

decide to copy the Welsh on the return trip and save some money.

 

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return

trip... To their astonishment, the Welsh don't buy a ticket at all !!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed

English. "Watch and learn..." says one of the Welshmen.

 

When they board the train the three Welsh cram into a toilet and

soon after the three English pile into another nearby.

 

The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Welshmen leaves

the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the English are hiding.

 

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."

 

**********************************************

 

This joke isn't really one of my top draw jokes but getting

you to correct my errors reminded me of it. Actually I

wasn't even going to put this one up for fear that someone

might find it offensive. But I decided that I'd take the chance.

 

It's a frustration, DM, some of the best jokes are so insulting

and so funny at the same time. I mean recently there have

been all these really funny dumb blond jokes. And I think like

well, what if it turns out that Buffy is blond? We don't want

to get her angry. I was thinking of maybe changing blond jokes

to Paris Hilton jokes, but then some of the blonds are men

and sometimes there are two blonds in one joke so that

wouldn't work.

 

Before they were hitting on blonds they used Polish people.

I believe that the British tell those jokes about the Irish.

And there are redneck jokes, only I get the feeling that they

like them. When I was a kid we had "little moron" jokes. But

I guess that's offensive to morons, so we can't do that anymore.

We can still do Bush jokes because they're mostly just quotations

and Bush won't be offended because he doesn't understand why

they're funny.

 

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Having someone young enough to be your student check for spelling and grammatical errors?:naughty:

Well, actually, I guess I should be flattered that someone as intelligent as you is relying on me to correct them. ;)

Yeh, and I should be flattered that someone as intelligent as you thinks

I'm intelligent. By the way, thanks for the rep points.

 

But speaking of being intelligent, would you do me a favor? I posted

a thread on the fourth dimension in the strange claims forum and I

guess people around here are burnt out from Time discussions. It

kinda got ignored. But I'd still like to get just a little bit of feedback.

Would you have a look at it and let me know what you think? It's short.

 

Can't wait, I printed out all the other ones and showed them to my family members. Needless to say, they all burst out in laughter.:D

 

Great thread! :hihi:

And I'm also flattered that you found them worth printing out.

Well, I'll go check my collections and see what humor I can find

that's funny and doesn't insult anyone. It ain't easy. I wonder

if there are any English teacher jokes.

 

Finally, it's a little after midnight here and I've been at this computer

for almost ten hours. So if your still looking for errors this is a

likely place to find them, but I don't think I care anymore, at least

not until I get a good night's sleep.

[Fishteacher73]

Here we go, I think it is needed in todays lawyer happy society.

[Queso]

hahAHAHAH!!!!!! :hyper: that's awesome.

[Dark Mind]

Completely true. :hyper:

[Dark Mind]

Okay, here is some *quality* humor if you are not the only one that uses your computer.

 

Have fun HERE.;)

[Dark Mind]

Actually some of those are fun to do to yourself if don't mind minor nuisances, I got a kick out of trying to click on some of those buttons, or just watching what my computer was "Deleting" (It simulated that it was deleting things ;)).

[Dark Mind]

Go here!

 

One of my favorites! try typing while this is on ;).

[infamous]

Did you folks all hear that Viagra has an answer for all you fellows that are unhappy with your girlfriends appearance. Take it regularly and you'll go blind.