Quality Jokes and Humor

[DougF]

The penguin joke

 

 

YouTube - The penguin joke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8lxZFL4sfY

[Hill]

Have you ever been to one of those businesses that has motivational posters all over. So sweet and positive they make my teeth itch!!

 

Here is the antidote: www.despair.com

 

 

 

[Hill]

oops, twas a dupe....

[Jay-qu]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fixed_width.png

 

xkcd - A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language - By Randall Munroe great comics

[freeztar]

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fixed_width.png

 

xkcd - A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language - By Randall Munroe great comics :P

 

Those are great!

I like this one:

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/string_theory.png

[DougF]

I like this one myself,

but thay are all great.

 

xkcd - A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language - By Randall Munroe

 

.

.

.

:)

.

[freeztar]

The penguin joke

 

 

YouTube - The penguin joke

 

I just watched that five times straight! They're better than most Hollywood actors! :) :cup:

[DougF]

freeztar

I just watched that five times straight! They're better than most Hollywood actors!

Glad you like it.

[Hill]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch, the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You *******...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

[DougF]

Good one Hill,

and along the same line of thinking.

 

 

 

TWENTY DOLLARS

 

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new

husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking

encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

 

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more

than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her

to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

 

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find

her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes,

he explained that his employer was going through a process of

corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the

age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere

near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

 

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than

thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which

were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the

largest depositors in the bank.

 

She explained that for the more than three decades she had

"charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and

these were the results of her savings and investments.

 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3

million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak,

but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any

idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

 

The funeral will be conducted at 11am next Tuesday...his

close friends can visit his closed casket at

"It's All Over" Funeral Home.

[DougF]

Take the time to watch this, Bush at his best. :esmoking:

 

 

President Bush Impersonation - 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner

[DougF]

The Perfect Couple.

or (The perfect man and woman) :)

 

 

 

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

 

.

.

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:)

[DougF]

Thought you may enjoy this one: :friday:

 

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

 

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

 

"Mommy,I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

 

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

 

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

 

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car Go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

 

Mommy fainted!

 

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

[Jet2]

Oh and by the way:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dark Mind

You never should of told us you're an English teacher .

 

That should be, "should have told us"

but you probably knew that, didn't you?

Also

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dark Mind

I knew I'd catch you eventually, but not that quick . .

 

"quickly" would be preferable, but "soon" is best.

 

And they are not 'Quality Jokes or Humor', aren't they?

[DougF]

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally,

And by hand.

 

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you

receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via

any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life

completely.

 

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take

two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote

known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or

Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote

repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

 

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5

friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your

life.

[DougF]

Stuttering Cat.........................

 

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

 

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

 

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

 

"Well", she began, "I was in the backyard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

 

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

 

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'......................

 

And before he could say "F*ck," the Rottweiler ate him!" :(

[paigetheoracle]

How did Robert Newton, the actor, demonstrate his namesakes best known scientific theory?

After drinking all night he displayed the effects of gravity