Boerseun Posted October 8, 2007 Report Posted October 8, 2007 Two psychologists greeting: "Hi! You're fine, how am I?" Quote
Pyrotex Posted October 8, 2007 Report Posted October 8, 2007 Two psychiatrists meeting in the hall. First one: "Hello! How are you today?" Second one walks on a few yards, stops, rubs chin and mutters: "I wonder what he meant by that." Quote
Michaelangelica Posted October 12, 2007 Report Posted October 12, 2007 Subject: Pay increase A maid in a Wilshire home wanted an increase. The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why doyou want an increase?" Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.The first is that I iron better than you. Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "The Master said so." Madam: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "The Master did." Madam: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?" * Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."* DougF and Hill 2 Quote
Pyrotex Posted October 12, 2007 Report Posted October 12, 2007 For those of you who travel regularly this conversation should sound familiar: Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Jewish two odor sun teen?HG: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.RS: Ow July then?HG: What?RS: Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch...?HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.RS: Ow July thee bay comb? Crease?HG: Crisp will be fine.RS: Okay. An Santos?HG: What?RS: Santos. July Santos?HG: Umm. I don't know... I don't think so.RS: No? Judo one toes?HG: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means. I'm sorry.RS: Toes! Toes! Why Jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?HG: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.RS: We bother?HG: No. Just put the bother on the side.RS: Wad?HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.RS: Copy?HG: I feel terrible about this but...RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill, chews...HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.RS: One Minnie. *** rune Torino fee, strangle aches, crease bay comb, tossy singlish mopping, we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?HG: Whatever you say.RS: Okay. Ten-Jew-berry-mud.HG: You're welcome. Quote
Buffy Posted October 12, 2007 Report Posted October 12, 2007 Just wait until it gets outsourced to India: RS: Good evening sir, my name is "Alan" how may I service you?HG: Uh, I'd like to order breakfast.RS: I understand that you would like to order some food, would you like that delivered to your room?HG: Uh, this is the room service number isn't it?RS: I understand that you may be concerned that this is room service and I would like to assure you that it is.HG: Okay, I would like to order--RS: Just a moment please, I am required to ask you for some information to verify that you are eligible for room service. What is your room number?HG: Twelve Fifty.RS: Did you mean, one-two-five-zero?HG: Well, no, but I think that's close enough.RS: It is necessary for me to verify your eligibility. Our guest management caller id shows that you are calling room one-two-five-zero, and I will be unable to take your order until you verify that this is your room.HG: Okay, I'm in one-two-five-zero.RS: Very good sir, I will be happy to take your order.HG: Great, I'd like two eggs scrambled--RS: I am sorry sir, for quality assurance, it is necessary for you to use the five digit code shown on the room service menu.HG: That sounds awfully inconvenient.RS: I understand that you may find this awfully inconvenient, however I assure you sir that it will be most optimal for your user experience if you follow these proceduresHG: Okay, uh, I'd like 21532, no wait that 21533 for scrambled eggs.[...several minutes of painful ordering later...]RS: Thank you very much for placing your order with us and it will be processed by the next available room service representative.HG: So how long is that going to take?RS: To assure you with the highest quality of service we are unable to provide you with an exact delivery time. Thank you very much for placing your order with us and it will be processed by the next available room service representative.[...twenty minutes later...]RS: Good evening sir, my name is "Jane" how may I service you?HG: I ordered room service a while ago and it has not arrived yet.RS: I understand that you would like to order some food, would you like that delivered to your room?HG: Uh, no, I already placed and order and I am trying to find out where it is?RS: I understand that you may be concerned that you have already placed an order and I am trying to find out where it is, and I would like to assure you that it is.HG: Huh?RS: Just a moment please, I am required to ask you for some information to verify that you are eligible for trying to find out where it is. What is your room number?HG: Twelve Fifty.RS: Did you mean, one-two-five-zero?HG: Oh sorry, yes one-two-five-zero.RS: It is necessary for me to verify your eligibility. Our guest management caller id shows that you are calling room one-two-five-zero, and I will be able to find out where it is for this room number.HG: Great!RS: Have you heard a knock on the door?HG: No, I've been sitting here reading USA Today waiting for my breakfast to show up.RS: Have you looked outside your room?HG: Well no, no one has knocked on the door.RS: Just a moment while I verify your records...sir, I am unfortunately required to inform you that item 21533-f12 is back ordered and will not be available for at least 3 hours.HG: You mean you're out of scrambled eggs?RS: No sir the eggs themselves are 21533-b4, 21533-f12 is the parsley garnish.HG: Can't you just send me my eggs without the parsley?RS: I understand that you would like to send me my eggs without the parsley. That would be against our policy because it would detrimentally affect your user experience.HG: Do you have anything on the menu that does not have a parsley garnish that I can get now?RS: I understand that you would like anything on the menu that does not have a parsley garnish that I can get now. In order to provide you with an optimal user experience, or procedures require you to use the 5-digit numeric code shown on the room service menu.HG: Arggh!RS: I understand that you would like to arrgh. May I take your order?HG: OKAY! I'll have um, chocolate pie! That can't possibly have parsley on it!RS: I understand that you would like chocolate pie. In order to provide you with an optimal user experience, or procedures require you to use the 5-digit numeric code shown on the room service menu.HG: 32159!RS: Very good sir. In order to improve our quality of service, would you cooperate in a five minute survey?HG: No!RS: Very good sir. Thank you very much for placing your order with us and it will be processed by the next available room service representative.[...twenty minutes later...]RS: Good evening sir, my name is "Tommy" how may I service you?HG: I ordered room service a while ago and first I ordered scrambled eggs and they said they had no parsley so they couldn't get me eggs, then I ordered a chocolate pie, but what I got was a tofu omlette, and I can't stand tofu!RS: I understand that you ordered room service a while ago and first I ordered scrambled eggs and they said they had no parsley so they couldn't get me eggs, then I ordered a chocolate pie, but what I got was a tofu omlette, and I can't stand tofu. Was the dish delivered with a metal heat cover?HG: Yes.RS: Have you removed it?HG: Yes.RS: Please return the metal heat cover to the plate. Wait sixty seconds and remove the heat cover again.HG: Why?RS: I want to assure you sir that our procedures are designed to provide the highest quality user experience and we are here to assist you.HG: Okay now its back on. Now what?RS: Now please remove the cover.HG: Okay now its off. Now what?RS: This should return your order to its original state.HG: That's the problem! Its the wrong order!RS: Are you certain that the order is incorrect?HG: Yes! I poked a hole in the omlette and its got tofu inside.RS: I understand that you poked a hole in the omlette and its got tofu inside. Unfortunately sir, that action invalidates your warranty and we will be unable to provide a replacement... It was late in the evening when K. arrived...The Castle hill was hidden, veiled in mist and darkness, :)Buffy DougF 1 Quote
freeztar Posted October 12, 2007 Report Posted October 12, 2007 Just wait until it gets outsourced to India: ... ROTFLMAO!!! :) That reminds me of a (excruciatingly painful) Dell service call I had to make once. You have their act down so perfectly it's scary. :hihi: Quote
Hill Posted October 12, 2007 Report Posted October 12, 2007 Just wait until it gets outsourced to India: RS: Good evening sir, my name is "Alan" how may I service you?HG: Uh, I'd like to order breakfast.RS: I understand that you would like to order some food, would you like that delivered to your room?HG: Uh, this is the room service number isn't it?RS: I understand that you may be concerned that this is room service and I would like to assure you that it is... Buffy Quote
freeztar Posted October 12, 2007 Report Posted October 12, 2007 Nice one Hill! :) I love that company. For those interested, I'd recommend browsing their site briefly for a good laugh.DaretoSlack Quote
Pyrotex Posted October 12, 2007 Report Posted October 12, 2007 Just wait until it gets outsourced to India:...Unfortunately sir, that action invalidates your warranty and we will be unable to provide a replacement... :) :cheer: :hihi::hihi: :cheer: :hihi::( :cheer: :doh::( :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Quote
freeztar Posted October 12, 2007 Report Posted October 12, 2007 :) :cheer: :hihi::hihi: :cheer: :hihi::( :cheer: :doh::( :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :xx: If you stare at that long enough with your eyes unfocused, it starts to look a bit like space invaders (the old video game). :xx: Quote
Qfwfq Posted October 18, 2007 Report Posted October 18, 2007 A true story, I swear! It happened to a woman I've seen, years ago, the aunt of an old acquaintance. It needs a bit more translation to be told in English: This woman had taught herself German on books, including ones that try to explain correct pronunciation, but hadn't yet heard it spoken by natives. She decided to go on a trip to Germany, full immersion as they say. At one point of the stay, she found herself on the street trying to find out the time of day and the only handy source was to ask passers by. After trying with several people, she wondered why every single one of them was dropping their jaw onto the sidewalk and then making off as fast as they could walk, without quite running... She hadn't learnt the customary expression, which translates as "How late is it?" and was instead trying to translate from the Italian one that literally means "What hour is it?", unfortunately she was mistaking the literal translation too. Instead of the actual German word for 'hour' she was using the German word Uhr, not so different from 'hour' or its Italian equivalent. She was unaware that it really means 'clock', but also unable to pronounce it properly. She thought the 'h' should be sounded out, just like in horse or house (something already unusual to Italians), but also couldn't get her vocal apparatus around doing it after the vowel and before the 'r' (not the right way in German anyway). Her effort was to put the 'h' sound as the first letter instead. Due to everybody's unkind treatment, surprisingly unaligned with Germans being considered typically courteous and welcoming toward visitors , she eventually gave up. It was only some time later she learned that her words were being understood as: "What wh:censored:re is it?" :doh: Quote
freeztar Posted October 18, 2007 Report Posted October 18, 2007 A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks" Quote
Buffy Posted October 18, 2007 Report Posted October 18, 2007 A chick riding a Harley: sounds like one of those suppressed politically-incorrect Chuck Jones/Warner Bros. cartoons from the 40s! But "hangy-down thing?" Thanks for keeping this at least PG-13-rated for our "family" forum. But you skipped the part about how when the chick "got a good grip" it wasn't so "hangy-down" any more...prolly launched her halfway across the barnyard. Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba! :doh:Buffy Quote
Qfwfq Posted October 19, 2007 Report Posted October 19, 2007 Tee hee, and censure can make it slightly more humorous too but I hadn't got it straight in my hurry. :lightning Quote
freeztar Posted October 19, 2007 Report Posted October 19, 2007 Three men standing in front of God God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. Man 1: Please God, I can''''t count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all. God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves. Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me! God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW. Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and... God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire! Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar. Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You''''re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?! Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!" Quote
Michaelangelica Posted October 23, 2007 Report Posted October 23, 2007 We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: ;) means a smile and ;) is a frown. Well, how about some "A RSE ICONS?"Here goes: (_!_) a regular arse (__!__) a fat arse (!) a tight arse (_*_) a sore arse {_!_} a swishy arse (_O_) an arse that's been around (_x_) kiss my arse (_X_) leave my arse alone (_zzz_) a tired arse (_E=mc2_) a smart arse (_$_) Money coming out of his arse (_?_) Dumb Arse Quote
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