Quality Jokes and Humor

[Qfwfq]

This reminds me of another International Misunderstanding I heard from a Venetian friend whose mother is Prussian German with less than perfect Italian despite living here.

 

At the end of a New Year's party, she (the Mother) was greeting guests at the doorstep as they departed in the first hours of the new year. She was wishing them a Happy New Year in Italian, with the customary "Buon Anno!" but she was phonetically confusing anno with an anatomical term of quite well-known Latin derivation. Everybody was courteously keeping a straight face and so she remained unaware of her blunder right until the very end.

 

What an Annus Horribilis that must have been for her!

[DougF]

Sperm Count

 

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The

doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a

semen sample tomorrow."

 

The next day the 85-year-old man appeared at the doctor's office and

gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it 's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but

nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I

asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left,

still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then

with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Hilda, the

lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an

armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but

still

nothing."

 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man

replied, "Yep.

 

None of us could get the jar open." :P

[wigglieverse]

You've heard the one about the guy who pulls up to a crematorium and asks the guy at the gate: "You got a light?".

[Michaelangelica]

Seven reasons not to mess with children:

 

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

 

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

 

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

 

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

 

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

 

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

 

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

 

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

 

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

 

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

 

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs tu rns white."

 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

 

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

 

"Yes," the class said.

 

"Then why is it that while I am st and ing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

 

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

 

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

 

"Take only ONE . God is watching."

 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

 

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[Michaelangelica]

My kid's Godfather sends me adozen or more jokes aweek

I have to censor most

Godfather mafioso!

 

Happy Little Rabbit

 

 

 

 

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he

stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says,

"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running

>through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes

off running with the rabbit.

>

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again

says,

"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health.

Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so

good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all,

then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

 

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health!

Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

>

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat

the shite out of the little rabbit.

 

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and

>ask,

"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

 

The lion answers,

"That little f ## ker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

 

:):hyper::hyper::hyper:

(No bunny icons smilies ;( )

[theblackalchemist]

Simpsons!

 

Homer: [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]

Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You are gay.'

 

Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

 

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.

Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.

Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.

Homer: Okay, I will!

 

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

 

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Ham?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Pork chops?

Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.

Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

 

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

 

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

 

Homer: From now on, there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.

Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way?

Homer: Yeah, but faster!

 

Ned Flanders: You ugly hate-filled man.

Moe: Hey. I may be ugly and I may be hate-filled but ... uh ... what was that last thing you said?

 

 

 

More here

The Simpsons Quotes - The Funniest Quotes from Homer to Ralph Wiggum

[Michaelangelica]

Thanks for the link

homer is SOO quotable.

 

Why Men do not write Advice Columns

Dear Ian :

 

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

 

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

 

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

 

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

 

Sincerely,

 

Mrs. Sheila Lusk

 

 

 

Dear Sheila:

 

 

 

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps.

 

 

 

Ian.

[Michaelangelica]

New Age Doctor's Health and Fitness Advice

 

HEALTH

QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

 

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

 

 

 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

 

 

 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

 

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

 

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

 

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

 

 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

 

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

 

 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

 

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

 

 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

 

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

 

 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

 

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

 

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

 

 

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

 

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

 

 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

 

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

[freeztar]

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First, they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The biologists: "They have reproduced".

The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will e empty again."

 

"A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there." – Charles Darwin

 

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!"

 

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

 

Q. Did you hear the one about the statistician?

A. Probably....

 

A guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!" So everybody gets scared and runs away. Only one person stays. The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!" And the other guy says: "No, I am not scared, I am e^x."

 

Math is like love – a simple idea but it can get complicated.

 

I've heard that the government wants to put a tax on the mathematically ignorant. Funny, I thought that's what the lottery was! – Gallagher

 

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

"Aha", says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm", says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black".

"No", says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

 

Q: Wadaya get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin pie

 

Graphing rational functions is a pain in the asymptote.

 

Q: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?

A: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.

 

He's teaching her arithmetic,

He said it was his mission,

He kissed her once, he kissed her twice

and said, "Now that's addition."

As he added smack by smack

In silent satisfaction,

She sweetly gave the kisses back

and said, "Now that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, she kissed him,

Without an explanation,

And both together smiled and said,

"That's multiplication."

Then Dad appeared upon the scene and

Made a quick decision.

He kicked that kid three blocks away

And said, "That's long division!"

 

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip?

A: To get to the other... um... er...

 

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

[DougF]

MID LIFE CRISIS

 

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,

'Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a

sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every

night with a hot 25 year old blond

 

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.'

 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot

25 year old blond and she would make sure that I would once again be

living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and

watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

 

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.

[freeztar]

He's a king of one-liners and is somewhat similar to Steven Wright. Here's some of his quotes:

 

-I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

-I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, only "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience."

-I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.

-I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.

-Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying "Here, you throw this away."

-My fake plants died because I did not bother to water them.

-I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

-When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."

-I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll give you the money, you give me the doughnut—end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend—"Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut—I got the documentation right here! (pause) Oh wait, it's back home in the file…under 'D'…for doughnut." 'Cuz we all know what 'D' is. for doughnut

-I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

-This shirt is "dry-clean only," which means it's dirty.

-My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! ****! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least."

-I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.

-I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and doesn't even know it...and he's ALWAYS on time!

-I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

-I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality

-I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

-I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

-I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

-I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

-I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

-I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

-I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

-I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

-Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

-The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

[Michaelangelica]

Some Racism (always good for a laugh)

 

 

______________

 

 

TO: The Citizens of the United States of America

 

RE: Revocation of your Independence

 

 

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

 

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

 

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise,you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

 

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.

 

You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

 

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

 

 

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

 

 

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

 

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents? Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

 

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

 

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

 

 

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

 

 

 

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

 

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

 

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 

 

 

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "$hit".

 

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

 

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

 

 

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

 

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.

 

Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

 

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

 

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

 

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

 

 

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

 

 

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

 

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

 

 

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

 

 

Thank you for your cooperation

 

Rt Hon David Blunkett

Home Secretary

**********************************************

 

IRISH JOKE 1

 

 

 

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's' dog barking.

 

It had been barking for hours and hours.

 

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".

 

He goes downstairs.

 

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says,

 

"The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

 

 

 

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard. Let's see how THEY like it!"

 

:) ;) :)

IRISH JOKE 2

 

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar.

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

 

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame.

Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord

there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4

drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

 

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my village local, the Red Lion,

the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

 

 

"Ahhh, dat's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin , there's

Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy

you a drink, then another, and another, and in fact all the drinks you

like.

Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid.

All on the house!"

 

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the

Irishman's claims.

 

But, the Irishman swears every word is true. "Well," said the

Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

 

"Not me me-self, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did

happen to me sister a few times."

 

:) :) :P

[paigetheoracle]

What pop group made a stand against racism?

The White Cliffs of Dover.

 

Why should you never give new things to the Welsh?

Because they Wrexham!

 

How can you tell a cross-dressing Tibetan cockerel?

Because him-a-laya

 

'I want you to post out all these letters but hold back this one'

'But why?'

'Because I want them sent without McPhaill

 

People who engage in sexual activity come to a sticky end

 

Things vampires would never say:-

'Oh look, there's Van Helsing - should we go over and say hello?'

'Fancy a stake?'

'More garlic?'

 

What do vampires say when they meet?

'I haven't seen you in years - you haven't aged a bit!'

'Fancy stopping here for a quick bite?'

'Nice tux!'

 

What do vampires victims say to them, when introduced?

'I've been dying to meet you for ages'

 

Whenever Baron Frankenstein is working on a project I like to give him a hand

[wigglieverse]

Don't drive through it...

 

Women are a lot like cars:

 

Every man wants a really hot, sporty-looking model stashed away somewhere so when he gets a bit bored with the family wagon --that's a lot easier to drive, and gets better mileage-- he can get in and go for an exciting dangerous ride for a change.

[paigetheoracle]

More of a slogan than a joke - Prejudice is a fashion statement

 

'I saw you putting salt on that zombie, to get him to return to his grave - what do you do to get him out of it in the first place?'

'I just pour self-raising flour on it'

[Michaelangelica]

The yanks probably won't get this. (?)

But those from other English speaking countries will.

Cakes and Ale

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University.

 

It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

 

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

 

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

 

Proctor: Sorry, no.

 

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

 

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

 

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".

 

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

 

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

:shrug: :) ;)

(In fact this is why many were angry at the dismissal of PM Whitlam from Oz government. This "joke' illustrates the difference between the letter of the law, and traditional legal use and custom of the law.)

[paigetheoracle]

Devils Dictionary:-

 

Government - agency that comes into power, claiming to solve all society's ills, then refuses to on the grounds it will put them out of a job (Any similar agency - for instance educational institute, that promotes ignorance/hospital that makes people sick)