Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

Four Worms and a lesson____

 

 

 

 

 

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would

add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

 

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

 

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

 

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

 

That pretty much ended the service --

[Becca]

Apparently (QI has never failed me before) Queen Elizabeth the first had 4 baths per year, "even if she didn't need one".

 

One of the things i find most humorous at the moment is the moonwalking bird on youtube: try it.

[Michaelangelica]

What Mona Lisa does when the Museum's closed

 

 

 

 

 

[Michaelangelica]

A girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come

 

over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

 

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

 

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

 

for the first time.

 

* * * * * * * * *

 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

 

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

 

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

 

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

 

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

 

sex.

 

* * * * * * * * *

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

 

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

 

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

 

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

* * * * * * * * *

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

 

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

 

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 

* * * * * * * * *

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

 

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

 

offers to say grace and bows his head.

 

* * * * * * * * *

 

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

 

with his head down.

 

* * * * * * * * *

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

* * * * * * * * *

 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

 

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

 

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

 

* * * * * * * *

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

 

father was a pharmacist."

[paigetheoracle]

Seasons gratings to you! (kids, people you can't stand visiting, feeling stuffed, being sick on alcohol, getting presents you didn't want etc).

 

Santa please stop here - and give meback my money as I hate what you gave me last year!

 

Santa please stop here (and if you want to live don't even think of coming through that door!)

 

Santa please stop here - customs search

 

I don't care who you are - get off my roof now!

 

You've got a present for my daughter in your bag and you'd like to come in - who do you think you're kidding?

 

Retired gangsters home - 'Don Enough'

[wigglieverse]

"The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but you still have to mow the bastard."

 

-Australian saying

[Michaelangelica]

Apparently (QI has never failed me before) Queen Elizabeth the first had 4 baths per year, "even if she didn't need one".

 

One of the things i find most humorous at the moment is the moonwalking bird on youtube: try it.

You should put the first one on "Quirky history facts' thread they would love it.

 

There is a game in Australia it is not Cricket, not Rugby, not league, not Aussie rules, not soccer (football).

It is called baiting newzealanders

(perhaps the finer points of this art could be posted on Australia. but Australians are very fond of asking kiwis to say 666).

It is very brotherly (although you should check first that the huge Maori bouncer at the club doors in Oz, built like a county "S*it House", has a sense of humour first.

 

Some examples of the very fine repartee &verbal debate between nations

 

Bob the builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room.

They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue." The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?"

The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've got a couple of Australians laying the turf out front."

 

Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?

They eat all the grass.

 

The intelligent NZ native

Everyday, a hen owned by a maori man would lay an egg in his garden which was used his daily breakfast. One day, he looked into his garden only to find that the hen laid her egg in the Samoan’s garden.

He was about to go next door when saw the Samoan rush out of the house to pick up the egg for himself. The Maori ran up to the Samoan and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Samoan disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Maori said, "In Aotearoa we normally solve disputes by the following method. I kick you in the nuts and time how long it takes you to get back up, and then you kick me in the nuts and time how long it takes me to get up. Whoever gets up the quickest wins the egg."

The Samoan thought for a moment and noticed that the Maori was only wearing barefeet. He then looked at his own feet, which boasted a shiny pair of new Nike Basketball boots.

He quickly agreed to resolve the dispute, "Maori Style".

The Maori took a few steps back and kicked the Samoan in the balls as hard as he could. The Samoan fell to the ground clutching himself and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually, the Samoan stood up and said; "Now it’s my turn to kick you."

The Maori shrugged his shoulders and said, "No, you can keep the egg!"

 

The Intelligent OZZIE (?)

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby game. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch with bewilderment as the three Aussiesbuy only a single ticket between them. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Kiwi.

"Watch and you’ll see", answers the Aussie.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever plan. So after the game, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel ‘without’ a ticket?" asks one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and you’ll see", answers a Aussie. When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and the Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Kiwis are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets please"!

 

MORE AT

Google Image Result for http://www.mkschubert.de/aus/cartoon.jpg

[Jet2]

3 ladies were on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.

 

A Chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up. A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions. The Chinese lady replied that if she looked beautiful, the guys coming to rescue survivors could usually save the pretty ladies first.

 

On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewelleries. An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her. The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.

Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off. Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her.

 

The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for the "Black Box" first!

[DougF]

"My Private Part Died Today"

 

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing Home.

 

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

 

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today and I am very sad."

 

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she

replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

 

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

 

"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

 

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that

My Private Part died."

 

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

 

 

"Well," he replied, *"Today's the viewing."*

[Michaelangelica]

lol

 

The story of my life?

 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

 

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

[Pyrotex]

Two bumper stickers I saw yesterday -- on the same car:

 

 

Be Nice to America!

...or we'll bring Democracy to YOUR country!

 

 

Oh well... I wasn't using my Civil Rights anyway

[DougF]

A meaningful statistic :)

 

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per

year.

 

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a

year.

 

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

 

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be American. :shrug:

[paigetheoracle]

I used to think that a fitting room was where epiliptics went for a fit, until I tried Smirnoff.

 

A man kicked and punched an old friend who came up to introduce himself, to him, years after he'd made good and moved out of his old slum area - it was a case of snobbery with violence

 

To get round baby's we go 'Coochie-coochie-coo!'

To get round adults we go 'Gucci-Gucci-gu!'

[Michaelangelica]

The virgins awaiting Muslims in heaven were not quite what they expected.

[paigetheoracle]

Why is it no good lying to Huckleberry Finn?

Because Tom Sawyer!

 

Films that were never made:-

'It's a Blunderful Life!' (Remake of 'It's a Wonderful Life', starring George Bush Jnr)

 

Napolean found life on his island prison boring as all he could do to entertain himself was play Le Wimbledon with his Rost Bif captors. Quelle Horror - he developed Le Tennis Elba!

 

I know the true spirit of Christmas - it's Brandy!:eek:

[InfiniteNow]

:eek:

[InfiniteNow]

This one speaks for itself. :eek:

 

 

 

 

:eek2: