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Posted

Definition of a dilemma - having sickness and diarrhoea, and not knowing which way to turn

 

Do I look fat in this?

No, you're eating for two - you and your fat ***!

 

How can you tell estate agents in the United Arab Emirates?

They creep up behind you going 'Do buy! Do buy!'

 

An angry chinaman must be Fu Ming

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

 

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,

 

'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.

 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the

walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

 

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . ... .

 

 

 

'Go get your mother.

Posted

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

 

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

 

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

 

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them. ' Then he hung up.

 

Within five minutes three pol ice cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

 

One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

 

(True Story) - Don't mess with old people

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

An old prospector

 

An old prospector walked his tired old mule into a western

town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months

without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he

came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there

brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young

gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and

a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,

saying, "Hey, old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never

did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well,

you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at

the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and

everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet,

he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled

both hammers back, making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger

heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the

gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the a$$?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always

wanted to."

The lessons from this story are

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old guys.

Posted

LOL

Good one Doug

Actual writings from hospital charts:

 

1. The patient refused autopsy.

 

 

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

 

 

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

 

 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 

 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 

 

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

 

 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

 

 

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

 

 

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

 

 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

 

 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

 

12. She is numb from her toes down.

 

 

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

 

 

14. The skin was moist and dry.

 

 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

 

 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (Oooh, ouch!)

 

 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

 

 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

 

 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation

 

 

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 

 

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 

 

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

 

 

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

 

 

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Posted

If vampires can't see themselves in the mirror, why is their hair always perfectly combed?

 

 

But, have you seen a guy that maybe comes around here? He's tall, slim, has short bleach-blond hair, wears dark clothing, talks in a British accent, :phones:

Buffy

Posted
If vampires can't see themselves in the mirror, why is their hair always perfectly combed?

 

But, have you seen a guy that maybe comes around here? He's tall, slim, has short bleach-blond hair, wears dark clothing, talks in a British accent, :phones:

Buffy

 

"Evil's still afoot and I'm almost out of that Nancy-boy-hair-gel that I like so much. Quickly - to the Angel-mobile, away!"

 

Spike is funniest when he's being sarcastic.

 

couple more:

 

"It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big."

 

"Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cuppa-tea, cuppa-tea, almost got shagged, cuppa-tea?"

Posted
"Evil's still afoot and I'm almost out of that Nancy-boy-hair-gel that I like so much. Quickly - to the Angel-mobile, away!"

 

Spike is funniest when he's being sarcastic....

Gosh, it almost makes me wished that I had watched BTVS on television.

 

Almost.

 

I mean, by thaaaaaaaat much. :steering:

Posted
Gosh, it almost makes me wished that I had watched BTVS on television.

 

Almost.

 

I mean, by thaaaaaaaat much. :steering:

 

What? No! :evil: I've never seen a single episode, I swear! There are no tapes of seasons 3 through 7 hidden in the back of my closet. I've never even heard of - the what slayer? I don't even know what we're talking about :)

 

-modest

Posted
I don't even know what we're talking about

You may redeem yourself by saying that you've seen at least 3 episodes of Doctor Who....

 

Anyone who's not having fun yet... follow me, :steering:

Buffy

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