Quality Jokes and Humor

[modest]

Before I am overly misunderstood - yes:

Joss Whedon and the various creators of Dr. Who are clearly gods among men. There is a reason they are cult TV phenomenon - STORY TELLING!

 

General: Those aren't ideas. Those are special effects!

Michael Bay: I don't understand the difference.

General: I know you don't.

 

-modest

[Buffy]

Dr. Who?

Yeah, that's the guy, and I Don't Know's on third....

 

Have we met? Yeah, we have. You hit me with an axe once. Remember "get the hell away from my daughter?" :steering:

Buffy

[InfiniteNow]

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

 

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

 

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?"

 

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

 

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

 

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

 

Bill tells him, between bursts of laughter, "To your house!"

[Jay-qu]

Quality :lol:

 

xkcd - A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language - By Randall Munroe

 

:phones:

[Michaelangelica]

Should we have silly/odd/funny/typo press cuttings thread?:doh:

This is a REAL low SPEED CHASE

see thumnail

[DougF]

[InfiniteNow]

A man walks into an elevator, and the woman standing there says to him, "Can I smell your balls?" He replies to her a bit shocked, "No!?!" so she responds, "Oh, then it must be your feet."

[InfiniteNow]

The ugliest woman in the world walks into a department store with her two sons, and the teenager behind the customer service counter says to her, "What handsome boys you have. Are they twins?" The woman, completely dumbfounded, says to him, "One of them is 14, the other is 8. Why the hell would you think they're twins?" So, the employee replies, "Well, I just can't imagine anyone would ever **** you more than once."

[InfiniteNow]

These two guys leave campus one night after a week of finals. They head into the pub, get thoroughly loaded, trashed beyond all belief, and finally leave to head home. On the way, during their walk, they see a dog on the street licking it's balls. One guy says, "Man! I wish I could do that!" So, the other guy responds, "Don't you think you should at least pet him first?"

[Pyrotex]

The ugliest woman in the world walks into a department store...

I see you watched "The History of the Joke" on the History Channel last night. :):):)

 

So then Cleopatra said to Caesar, "Not tonight, honey, it's my pyramid."

 

So this priest and a rabbi and a humpback whale go into this bar.

The priest says "I believe the Saviour shed his blood for my sins, so I'll have a glass of Sherry."

The rabbi says "I don't believe the Saviour has arrived yet, so I'll have a Manneschevitz."

The humpback whale says "Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaa...

...aaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

...oooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..."

 

:hyper:

[Pyrotex]

Gorgeous blonde says,

"Making love to me is something like taking the SAT.

You have to show up on time.

You have to do your best.

And when your time is up, please put down your little pencil."

[InfiniteNow]

I see you watched "The History of the Joke" on the History Channel last night. :)

 

Not all of us are as good at telling jokes as you, my friend. It WAS a good show. :phones:

 

 

A history professor and a psychology professor are sitting outside at a nudist colony. History professor: “Have you read Marx?” Psychology professor: “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.”

[Thunderbird]

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent.

The actor says “I can't, you know what happened the last few times. I will forget my lines and begin cursing and make a complete fool of myself.”

The agent consoles him “ Nonsense, don’t let fear of past mistakes rule your life, give it a chance man, I have faith in you.”

 

“Ok” says the actor, “ what is it?"

"Well," says his agent, "it's a one-liner."

" okay!" replies the actor, "I'll give it another shot. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I do it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening."

The actor is so excited he got the job, that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.

"I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'."

"You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar?' You're late, get up to makeup straight away."

So, he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl.

"I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'."

"You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'? You're late, sit down here." Then, she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on."

So, he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager.

"I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'."

"You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'? Get on there, the curtains about to go up!" So, he runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and the house is full.

Suddenly, there is an almighty BOOM behind him, and the actor turns and says, "What the **** was that!!!?"

[paigetheoracle]

A man goes into an Indian restaurant and orders a meal. The waiter comes up with his curry and pours it all over him, then blames the man 'If you weren't here it wouldn't have happened, would it?'

The man explodes!

'I see, you can't keep a Sybil tongue in your head can you?'

Bet you can't guess what the curry was?

Of course it was a Basil Balti!

 

What's the difference between a member of the Goons and an overused brush, for getting rid of unwanted pests?

One is a hairy flea combe and the other is Harry Secombe

[Pyrotex]

A...Bet you can't guess what the curry was?

Of course it was a Basil Balti!...

:) :eek_big: :confused: :eek_big: :confused: :eek_big: :confused: :eek_big: :confused: :eek_big: :confused:

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[the faint sound of crickets and nothing else]

[Jay-qu]

:) :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: :eek_big: :confused: :eek_big: :confused:

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[the faint sound of crickets and nothing else]

good, Im not the only one hearing the crickets..

[Pyrotex]

good, Im not the only one hearing the crickets..

Aaaarrgggghhhhh!! I think I suspect a culture clash here, matey!!

 

This reminds me very little of the time when I was lead engineer (here in Houston, TX) over a talented bunch of programmers in India. We had to write a website with an embedded Timecard system. This would enable field engineers out on the road to enter their hours for the day, charge numbers, and so forth. I wrote the design document, database structure, and Users Guide. All were sent to Bangalore, India, as email attachments, and work began.

 

Six weeks later, the first prototype website was up and running! {duecedly clever chaps, those Bangalorians!} The website was exactly as I designed it. Except when I got to the page with the Timecard. It didn't look right. It would only let me put one charge number in--and hours for one day. Bizarro!!

 

So, I sent off a rather huffy email to the chief programmer, asking how the hell he could produce such an incompetent and stupid piece of programming?

 

He responded, "I am so sorry. We all are so sorry. We beg your forgiveness. But we must ask you a question. What exactly is a 'Timecard'? What is it used for?"

 

:confused: :confused: :) :confused: :confused: :confused::confused: :confused: