Quality Jokes and Humor

[Boerseun]

This is why you shouldn't swallow bubblegum...

[REASON]

This is why you shouldn't swallow bubblegum...

 

:lol::):lol::hihi:

[Michaelangelica]

This is why you shouldn't swallow bubblegum...

O Yes VERY QUALITY:)

LOL

 

I came here to post this pic but you have completely upstaged me!

I just thought it was fun (without bubblegum)

 

[REASON]

Conversation with Jesus

 

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

 

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"

 

And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

 

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

 

And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

 

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

 

He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to talk with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn.

[Michaelangelica]

LOL

12+ mill illegals in USA?-over half the OZ population

. . . .

The attached is the latest information from Mozambique authorities for anyone considering trips into their bush reserves.

[Michaelangelica]

A young lawyer was sent to defend an important client accused of Fraud.

 

He managed an acquittal and immediately sent a text message to the Senior Partner saying "Justice prevailed."

 

Within minutes he received a reply: "Appeal immediately."

[Jet2]

Man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a monkey.

 

The shop owner pointed out three identical monkeys and said, "The monkey to the left costs 500 dollars."

 

Why does that monkey cost so much?" the man wondered.

 

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

 

The man asked about the next monkey on the perch.

 

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other monkey can do, plus it knows how to use the LINUX operating system."

 

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third monkey.

 

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

 

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

 

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him doing anything, but the other two call him boss!"

[DougF]

SAYING GOOD NIGHT TO MOTHER......

 

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

 

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light,

turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

 

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi The taxi arrived and we opened the front

door to leave the house.

 

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the

house because she always tries to eat the bird.

 

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in

hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be

empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going

upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

 

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That

stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come

out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to

keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat *** downstairs and threw her out

into the back yard!"

 

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[REASON]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so

he decided to take them to the county fair and sell

them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned

five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to

mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers

lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive

thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let

the pigs mate.

 

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got

up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station

wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove

the thirty miles.

 

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,

"How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other

farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the

morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud,

they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling

in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the

family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week. The

next Morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He

called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and

tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the

grass."

 

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the

station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

[OutsideTheBox]

Great thread. :)

 

A bit different, but here's an excellent Rube Goldberg machine:

LiveLeak.com - Another Rube Goldberg Machine... http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=942_1192754913

[Michaelangelica]

Two aliens are flying by our planet.

One alien looks down and says, "It seems that the dominant life force here has been able to figure out satellite weapon technologies."

 

The other alien asks, "Do you mean to say there is intelligent life on this planet?"

 

"It does not appear to be so", the first replies.

"They have it aimed at themselves!"

[REASON]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.

 

 

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

 

 

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

 

 

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

 

 

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

 

 

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 

 

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

 

 

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

 

 

"That's me before the surgery."

[theblackalchemist]

Following a news .

 

the government was forced to forcefully declassify the following message

Yo Joe

/forums/images/smilies/devilsign.gif

after their state of the art stealth bomber got lost

we request you to call 911 immediately if you see the lost bomber hovering o'er your heads.

 

sorry guys wont be around for about a month more regularly important exam going on

[Boerseun]

er... okay...

 

...uhm...

 

You got me there.:):confused::shrug:

 

Come on, give us the punchline!

[REASON]

Ahhhhh! Nothin' like Quality Jokes and Humor. :)

[paigetheoracle]

What are Cruella De Ville's favourite curse words?

"Hell and Dalmation!"

 

"Well Professor Koestler, after years of study are you still as convinced of life after death?"

"No. In my most famous case I'm sure that the involuntary movement of the corpse, was actually due to the fermentation of bread in its stomach - it was the toast in McSheen"

[Michaelangelica]

Bloody English Teachers.

I'm married to one.

Even my professional journalist daughter despairs, as she picks the one error in 100 page magazine.

"They jump out at me" she says!

If she saw half the posts I make here she would have a heart attack

 

How do you circumsise a whale?

You send down four skin divers.