Quality Jokes and Humor

[Hill]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

 

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

 

The defense attorney nearly died.

 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[alexander]

this still gets me a laugh every time i watch it

Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys | The Onion - America's Finest News Source@@AMEPARAM@@http://www.theonion.com/content/xml/63894/video@@AMEPARAM@@63894 http://www.theonion.com/content/video/study_multiple_stab_wounds_may_be

[Thunderbird]

Now that just crazy, Here is another monkey video....

 

 

Monkey Balls http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6221820289188391331

 

Make sure you are able to hear the naration:hihi:

[REASON]

Everybody's Raving About TootTone! http://www.zippyvideos.com/5773184364623316/toottone_1/

[Pyrotex]

My favorite Onion video currently is this one:

Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays | The Onion - America's Finest News Source@@AMEPARAM@@http://www.theonion.com/content/xml/62083/video@@AMEPARAM@@62083 http://www.theonion.com/content/video/al_qaeda_also_fed_up_with_ground

 

JOKE:

Picture the lobby of a huge technical corporation. Except that ALL the people are German Shepherds dressed in human clothing and walking around on their back legs.

In front of the elevators is a large desk with a "SECURITY" sign prominent. Behind the desk is a German Shepherd in a security guard uniform. In front of the desk is a German Shepherd in a business suit and holding an attache.

 

The guard is saying:

"I'm sorry sir, but this is standard security policy. I'm sure you are who you say you are, but I still have to sniff your butt."

[alexander]

Pyro, i like their other ones too, the nascar one is just utterly hilarious, the waiting period on the suiside vests is pretty good, concentric circles emminating from a glowing dot is another one that is just "woow"

[alexander]

oh an who can forget this one?: Live From Congress: The Skull ****ing Bill Of 2007 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source@@AMEPARAM@@http://www.theonion.com/content/xml/65542/video@@AMEPARAM@@65542 http://www.theonion.com/content/video/live_from_congress_the_skull

[Pyrotex]

Damn! Wouldn't a waiting period on skull ****ing be good enough???

I mean, come on, people!!!

 

:)

[Ahmabeliever]

Here's a couple of mine, I did stand up for a while, still do I guess, just infrequently.

 

I was stoned and in my lounge and I heard them - 'Whup whup whup whup whup whup' - "Noisy darn police helicopters again" - and then I heard it - 'Doop Doop Doop Doop Doop Doop' - "Oh no! They're here! There's a paddy wagon backing up the driveway!..." It was then that I realised my washing was done.

 

And one for the scientists...

 

Been experimenting with white worms lately, enchaetraeus albidus. White worms are photosensitive - scared of light. Covered worms with food placed on top of their soil readily rise to the top and feed. Upon removing the cover it was observed worms stop feeding and seek the darker shelter of the soil. After determining the photosensitivity of the species, 20 grams were respectively placed in each of 4 open topped culture dishes with a sterilised medium of newspaper and straw. 20 grams of shredded cabbage leaves were then placed upon the surface of the medium. The cultures were then placed in a refrigerator at 16 degrees celcius for 36 hours and removed for observation. Again it was found that worms feeding on the surface of the medium stopped eating and burrowed away from the light.

 

Proving beyond doubt that the refrigerator light switches off when you close the door.

[freeztar]

Since we're on the Onion kick...

This one had me cracking up the whole way through. :)

 

In The Know: How Can We Make The War In Iraq More Eco-Friendly? | The Onion - America's Finest News Source@@AMEPARAM@@http://www.theonion.com/content/xml/74776/video@@AMEPARAM@@74776 http://www.theonion.com/content/video/in_the_know_how_can_we_make_the

 

The DOD has been testing an experimental new balsa wood black hawk which just burns up if it's shot down...no waste at all.

And also it would use a lot less fuel anyway becuse it's a lot lighter aircraft.

And it's fun to build.

:)

[Turtle]

3 scientists studying the rare giant Foo bird in a remote jungle, came upon a Foo bird nest high in a tree. While the researchers gazed up in wonder, a Foo flew in to land on the nest, and and on last approach, **** all over the 3 onlookers. Shaken and dazed by the unseen turn of events, one researcher immediately washed off the poo, and then dropped dead. The other 2 headed back to camp, where one of the two could no longer stand the smell & itch of the now-dried droppings, and washing off the filthy covering, also promptly died.

 

The lone survivor headed back to civilization & to the hospital to tell the tale & seek treatment. Finding no known toxins in the crusty crap, the doctors assured the frightened crappee that removed properly under their care, survival was unquestionable. Finally submitting, the hapless sap died minutes after the cleaning.

 

The moral of the story is, when the Foo shits, wear it.

[Essay]

Spitzer!?

 

...heck; I don't even know her!

 

...thanks DL (cbs lateshow).

[InfiniteNow]

Spitzer!?

 

...heck; I don't even know her!

 

 

Amid Charges of Spitzer Tryst, Embattled Prostitute "Kristen" Expected to Resign

 

New York - At a hastily scheduled morning press conference at the headquarters of New York's exclusive Emperors Club prostitution ring, high priced call girl "Kristen" announced that she would temporarily step aside in the wake of charges that she had engaged in sex with New York Governor Eliot Spitzer.

 

"I made a serious mistake and betrayed the trust of my co-workers, my many clients, and my pimps," she said in a quiet voice cracking with emotion. "I will be taking a leave of absence to earn their forgiveness, and redeem myself in the eyes of the entire expensive whore community."

 

The embattled prostitute did not mention Spitzer by name, and stopped short of offering an official resignation. But longtime sex industry insiders say that it will be difficult for Kristen to return to her post in light of mounting federal wiretap evidence that she had sexually serviced the Governor on at least two occasions.

 

"It will be hard for her to spin her way out of this," said Destinee Rizzo, editor of the trade journal Executive Concubine."After taking on clients like that, her days as a five diamond, high-roller suite call girl are over. Frankly, with all the press coverage she'll be lucky to get a job as a $5 truck stop lot lizard in Kentucky."

 

"The big problem now is to keep this incident from threatening the whole expensive whore industry," added Rizzo.

 

The revelation brought an immediate and angry reaction from Greymont Preston IV, spokesman for the powerful consumer watchdog group Profligate Wastrels United. "For that kind of money, there's an expectation that these girls have been with Snoop Dogg or Charlie Sheen," said Preston. "But please -- Eliot Spitzer? When our members are spending five thousand dollars to snort cocaine off an ***, they want to know that *** has some standards."

 

Preston said his organization would push for new industry guidelines, including a "black box" john tracking system, but stopped short of calling for government regulation.

 

"Unfortunately, that would involve meeting with members of Congress, and many of our member don't want to risk having the photos become public," said Preston.

 

Lafester "Sly" Williams, president of the Big Dollar Pimp Association, said his group would comply with greater oversight and control systems.

 

"We want to assure the expensive whore buying public -- whether they are drug dealers, washed out big league ball players, or compulsive gamblers on a temporary hot streak -- that when they purchase one of our products, that fine ***** will now be DNA tested and certified 100% free of contaminants from politicians or journalists," said Williams.

 

Despite the new assurances, Rizzo says it may take years for the whore industry's luxury segment to recover from the incident.

 

"The saddest thing is what it done to the youngsters, those starry-eyed 17 and 18 year old boys out there who dream someday of blowing thirty or forty thousand dollars on a hotel room full of beautiful, high end hookers," said Rizzo. "Sure, only a few ever achieve it, but that boyhood dream has always been universal. After the Spitzer incident, thought, I'm just not sure whether that's true anymore."

 

As to underscore that concern, as Kristen walked toward the exit of the press conference to her waiting 1973 Lincoln Continental Mark IV, she was approached by a teenage boy, a forlorn questioning in his eyes.

 

"Say it ain't so, Kristen," he begged. "Say it ain't so!"

 

 

 

FROM: iowahawk: Amid Charges of Spitzer Tryst, Embattled Prostitute "Kristen" Expected to Resign

[Boerseun]

Little Johnny swears like a sailor, so his exasperated mother takes him to see the priest.

 

"But aren't you afraid of the devil, little Johnny?" the priest ask him, plying his trade.

 

"**** no, it's you who should be scared of him! After all, you keep on talking **** about him on Sundays!"

 

 

...weak, I know. But it's been a slow week, alright?

[alexander]

i don't do standup, at least not professionaly, only recreationaly for my friends, this is one of my later rants....

 

Road signs, some of the most mind teasing verbal creations of the road. Let me give you an example, on the way here, i saw a sign that says "Blind Driveway", a blind driveway huh? An attempt by DOT to be nice i guess, i actually don't know how to take it, whether the people that work for the state are so stupid that upon realizing that inanimate objects, like driveways, do not posess the physical ability to see; or they are trying to be "nice" to the drivers. **** me, but it's not the driveway that is blind, it's the ****ing driver, seriously, someone cuts you off in the morning, you don't go oh, that was just a dead zone in the car, noooo, you flip them off, rightfully so, it was the driver's fault for not seeing you. Well the driveway is the same thing, it's not a blind driveway, its a blind frigging driver!

[Ahmabeliever]

Today I thought of

 

You can tell if your dog is in heat by clear discharge, and bleeding and swelling of the vulva.

 

You can tell your cat is in heat because there is another cat ****ing it.

[Ahmabeliever]

nice coming back to the beginning alex. What I do when trying to write as opposed to the above type one liners that just pop into the head....

 

I get a subject and write it on the centre of some paper then brainstorm finding as many words about or connected to the subject as possible writing them all down till I find wierd angles. Write as much as possible and then edit, edit, EDIT. You could find a bunch of funny signs, and write loads on them, then cut it all down to two-three tight minutes on signs.

 

Lose every word you can, making sure of course the key words or triggers/references to other parts of the joke remain intact.

 

I like the long stuff you have to think about, but a string of one liners is the best way out of a hole.

 

My girlfriend only pretends to like rough sex so she can punch me in the face.

Still, funny thing happened to me today. Got some handcream, used it on my hands.

Well, they were chafed from all that wanking.

Who want's me to stop with the masturbation stuff, speak up now, or forever, hold your,

piece...

I know what happens to the missing socks!

Guys wank into them

They're in the drawer on the right by the computer.

 

I know, I know, lowered the tone completely :shade::doh::QuestionM