Quality Jokes and Humor

[Thunderbird]

My girlfriend only pretends to like rough sex so she can punch me in the face.

 

Today I thought of

 

You can tell if your dog is in heat by clear discharge, and bleeding and swelling of the vulva.

 

You can tell your cat is in heat because there is another cat ****ing it.

 

LOL:applause: If you can come up with more like these you can take it on the road.

[Ahmabeliever]

LOL:applause: If you can come up with more like these you can take it on the road.

 

I did! For a few years made a living at it. Had to DIY to get a circuit happening here. Hard to be an artist with all that WORK going on...

 

Had lots of excellent acts who were unknown then seemed to have an eye for it and was picky too. :shade:

 

Didn't even let myself headline for two years (about 6 years stand up at that stage....) :QuestionM

 

YouTube - AotearoHa - Gish (Nov. 10th 2K7) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Babypu3kT68

 

One guy, Gish, I let him headline in country pubs on about his 6th gig. You can only see him in that link for now. He's made some other videos but is editing sound.

 

Check him out. Tailor made for New Zealanders but Aussies may follow most of it pretty easy. For those who aren't getting it go two thirds through for the Eagles cover. If you don't know the Eagles you're too young and shouldn't be reading this thread.

[Thunderbird]

I did! For a few years made a living at it. Had to DIY to get a circuit happening here. Hard to be an artist with all that WORK going on...

 

Had lots of excellent acts who were unknown then seemed to have an eye for it and was picky too. :hihi:

 

If you don't know the Eagles you're too young and shouldn't be reading this thread.

 

 

Great a professional, is it possible to create a joke using raw stuff like this, I think there is a joke here, but I do not know the process in creating a joke. :shrug:Here are two things true things. Along one river in Missouri there exist a Varity of beaver with a mutation that makes it blond and not the usual brown. Is there a joke somewhere in that?

 

Also I was reading Scientific America on Great Tits, the birds, The ornithologists stated in the article that the best place to study great tits is in northern Europe, because that’s were there are. Is there more of a joke here than the obvious?

 

BTW The Eagles are my favorite rock band.:(: They are playing in the next town of a pop of 6000 in a small club this fall I am planning to go but have not located tickets yet.

[Ahmabeliever]

The blonde mutation, long considered myth by science, may be based in fact.

 

Along one river in Missouri there exist a variety of beaver with a mutation that makes them blonde. Scientists say the blonde beavers are "Crap at building and keeping dams, but quite pretty."

 

Males seem to do all the work when pairing with a blonde beaver but don't seem to mind. They build huge dams in order to attract one. Jealous brown females are now swimming in limestone waters in attempts to bleach themselves and thus obtain a male. But the males know the difference. They only need to look at the beavers.

[Ahmabeliever]

Lesser tits now face extinction having been ignored for the past half century by ornithologists who have devoted all their study towards great tits.

[Thunderbird]

The blonde mutation, long considered myth by science, may be based in fact.

 

Along one river in Missouri there exist a variety of beaver with a mutation that makes them blonde. Scientists say the blonde beavers are "Crap at building and keeping dams, but quite pretty."

 

Males seem to do all the work when pairing with a blonde beaver but don't seem to mind. They build huge dams in order to attract one. Jealous brown females are now swimming in limestone waters in attempts to bleach themselves and thus obtain a male. But the males know the difference. They only need to look at the beavers.

 

LOLROTF:hihi:You have a talent my friend. I started laughing half way though and busted a gut at the punch line.

[Essay]

nice coming back to the beginning alex. What I do when trying to write as opposed to the above type one liners that just pop into the head....

 

I get a subject and write it on the centre of some paper then brainstorm finding as many words about or connected to the subject as possible writing them all down till I find wierd angles. Write as much as possible and then edit, edit, EDIT. You could find a bunch of funny signs, and write loads on them, then cut it all down to two-three tight minutes on signs.

 

Lose every word you can, making sure of course the key words or triggers/references to other parts of the joke remain intact.

 

I like the long stuff you have to think about, but a string of one liners is the best way out of a hole.

 

My girlfriend only pretends to like rough sex so she can punch me in the face.

Still, funny thing happened to me today. Got some handcream, used it on my hands.

Well, they were chafed from all that wanking.

Who want's me to stop with the masturbation stuff, speak up now, or forever, hold your,

piece...

I know what happens to the missing socks!

Guys wank into them

They're in the drawer on the right by the computer.

 

I know, I know, lowered the tone completely :camera:

 

...missing sock... ...your piece... LOL...continuing.

Despite the tone, still quality stuff!

 

Neat advice on writing jokes.

I can't take credit for creating this little bit. It's more of a local "urban legend;" but I've never seen it written down before, so I'll try.

***

Our little, local newspaper ran a story about a more eco-friendly way for ranchers to protect their sheep.

The idea was to use a burro, sort of like a sheep dog -to protect the sheep, as coyotes and burros do not get along.

...i.e.

"In short, ...burros loathe the company of dogs, wolves and their coyote cousins, and they are not too nice about it either, Gersbach said.

'They will bray, run them down, bite them, and either chase them off, or if they get the chance, they will kick them, and they will pound them.'"

However....

"....burros gravitate toward bonding with whatever livestock happens to share their pasture, whether it is horses, cattle, sheep, or goats."

Burros show talent as guards

 

So our local article goes on and on about how the burros can protect the sheep (except they are misspelling burro as burrow)!

 

As we've learned around here, our local paper just doesn't know their asses from a hole in the ground.

 

groan

[Ahmabeliever]

I didn't always want to be a comedian.

 

As a child I wanted to be a vet. I supposed as a child that vets would pat the lions and hug the tigers... Mum, in her infinite wisdom, decided a touch of reality was called for, so she sent me out on rounds with the local vet.

 

On the very first visit, he put on a glove that reached his shoulder, covered it in vaseline, and stuck his whole arm up a cow.

 

It was at that point, I knew, I didn't want to be a vet anymore.

 

I wanted to be a cow.

[Turtle]

One liner: Keep working on your wit; you're half way there. [parum-pum]:evil:

[Ahmabeliever]

Comeback for hecklers...

 

Have you got a blueprint for your brain, cos I'm building a ****wit at home.

 

Hey, I enjoyed trying to 'find the jokes' with Great Tits and Beavers. I love tests and that was a nice mental exercise, so if the thread readers don't mind, I'll try some more you throw at me, when I'm sitting at me numerous coffee breaks, I can have a go, though can't gaurantee any results...

 

And others could try the exercise too, no judging! Only groans and confused/frowny emoticons. Or I could take it to another thread....

 

Science experiment - is everything funny.

[Michaelangelica]

My God, run out of Rep

 

The thread has been hijacked by really good professional joke tellers

 

O m,y What will we do!?

 

A nice story to counteract this excess of Quality jokes

A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

 

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her.

 

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

 

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

 

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

 

True story... Have a great day and remember...

 

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!

[paigetheoracle]

Murder case - where you hid the body

 

Syntax - medieval payment to God, for doing things you shouldn't have on a Sunday

 

Shellsuit - worn by snails, to hide sluggish and thuggish attitude towards life

[Pyrotex]

Reminds me of the pilot back in the seventies who thought he would have some fun with the passengers. While they were in line to check their luggage and buy tickets, he stood near the counter (in full uniform) reading a book: "How To Fly in Ten Easy Lessons". He was temporarily grounded as punishment for upsetting the customers.

[freeztar]

Reminds me of the pilot back in the seventies who thought he would have some fun with the passengers. While they were in line to check their luggage and buy tickets, he stood near the counter (in full uniform) reading a book: "How To Fly in Ten Easy Lessons". He was temporarily grounded as punishment for upsetting the customers.

 

:hihi:

[Ahmabeliever]

My God, run out of Rep

 

The thread has been hijacked by really good professional joke tellers

 

O m,y What will we do!?

 

Sorry Micheal, but the above comment does invite me to use puns, double entendre's, and enchilladas in my jokes.

 

Waiter asked me for a tip I said "Don't use puns in comedy." :cup:

 

Gags per minute is one way of looking at the strength of a comic. But there are many forms and no one rule applies other than - be funny.

 

Billy Connolly is a prime example of comedy using the brainstorming method. He starts somewhere, apparently rambles aimlessly (and effortlessly) from subject to subject (but always a link there to keep you with him) and then comes back to his original point. It comes across as brilliant, and he is.

 

The basic formula can be followed by anyone with a sense of humour and some talent for writing (or even remembering the best of 'the boys' you hang out with).

 

Billy has taken 15 minutes to get to his punchline, so how is he so good if you rate comedy by gags per minute?

 

All the other punchlines are in the middle of the 'one joke'. The links found in brainstorming all have their own 'asides' - seemingly random funny comments and observations.

 

As well as the number of gags, is the strength of a gag. If 1 joke still has you laughing the next day, it carries a lot more 'weight' than all the other forgettable material.

 

As people better recall the first and last thing you do - Using easy to remember (short) and funny opening and closing lines will help the new comic cement themselves in public and promoters memories.

 

Here's a guy I absolutely love who has a unique style. Rhys Darby.

 

He's Murray The Manager in Flight Of The Conchords now, and just got a part as Jim Careys boss in a new movie. I got this guy on stage every chance I had. Outstanding!

 

YouTube - Rhys Darby Stand-up 2001 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxO94S6tMLM

[freeztar]

Hmmm...I didn't find that clip funny at all, but to each their own. :cup:

On the other hand, The Flight of the Conchords are hysterical. I'm playing Part-time model http://youtube.com/watch?v=lmDTSQtK20c right now. :hyper:

 

You're so beautiful, like a tree

Or a high-class prostitute

 

How romantic... :doh:

[Ahmabeliever]

Yeah Brett and Jemaine are brilliant. They lived 600 miles away so I only got to meet them and watch them perform a few times here.

 

You didn't like Rhys?!! That's more bizarre than Jemaine's lyrics.