Quality Jokes and Humor

[freeztar]

Yeah Brett and Jemaine are brilliant. They lived 600 miles away so I only got to meet them and watch them perform a few times here.

 

I'd love to see them live.

You didn't like Rhys?!! That's more bizarre than Jemaine's lyrics.

 

Nope. :cup:

I didn't even crack a smile. In contrast, some of the humor you posted here earlier had me audibly laughing. :doh:

[Ahmabeliever]

Hope rhysie doesn't read that (you rox rhys get a grip). Hehe.

 

Thanks for the compliment though... I had a good act for a while then I got bored and started doing crazy **** to entertain myself instead of the audience. Do a set lying down, a set with my pants off, a manic set, a deadpan set, an anticomic...

 

I thought that **** was funniest of all, it was for comics who got it... :phones:

 

Now I occasionally behave myself, keep my pants on, and do jokes, for cash. :cheer:

 

I think my problems stem from the fact I was a crack baby.

 

Whereas my Sister, she was a caesarian. :eek:

[Boerseun]

...crack baby... :phones:

 

Any case, here in Africa there used to be this tribe. They were feared throughout the land, for they used to march upon their enemies and slay the entire enemy tribe, pillage their village and set fire to their dogs. Any case, they lugged the enemy chief's throne back to their village, where they then held a big, sacred and noisy ceremony where the defeated enemy chief's throne was hoisted into their chief's hut's attic. There the throne would take its place amongst the hundreds of other thrones that this tribe have seized over the years, marking their military might and superiority as a tribe.

 

Their final gathering took place when the entire tribe was present in the chief's hut, and the beams started creaking when they installed their most recently captured throne. Suddenly the entire roof (plus thrones) came down on their heads, killing the entire tribe, wiping them from the face of the earth.

 

And this, of course, gave rise to the saying that "people living in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."

[paigetheoracle]

I see Heather Mills has lost her divorce petition, with regards to Paul McCartney - it was inevitable as she didn't have a leg to stand on.:phones:

[alexander]

(just an event that happened yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine, and she said i was being growchy)

If i was growchy, i would probably tell you that if you ever made a celebrity sex tape, i'd like to get my hands on the first copy.

So she said that she would consider it to be funny, and not necessarily inappropriate.

So then i was like, right, but not if you say that standing in line in a convenience store and there are lots of people with their kids around you..... including her husband....

____

 

If you ever want to have some fun, ask your friend that has a spouse (assuming they have a spouse) if she ever ordered that vibrator she was telling you about (in front of the spouse, obviously)

____

Doctors bring 2 thoughts to my mind, one, the unnerving feeling that their job is called a "practice"; and a great ponderance as to what exactly they are practicing for?

____

I am concerned with world's problems, many people propose their own ways of how to manage the ever-so-growing population of China, i have a couple of my own methods to run by:

 

perhaps it is time to share what the real use for condoms is...i mean just a thought...

 

A few people wonder about what emergency phone numbers in other countries are, i do, it turns out that the emergency line in china is 1-1-9. I suggest we change it to something like 1-37-64-18-0183 to further control the population.

____

(got to be in my top 25 favorite quotes)

The only reason Santa is so jolly, is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

(George Carlin)

____

Everyone has heard these "sponsor a child" commercials, they say "for just 75 cents a day, the price of a cup of coffee, you can sponsor a child in need..."... i can't help but think, where the hell do you get your coffee?

 

eeeh, i will get better at this, i've been meaning to write some stand up stuff, but i can never come up with anything good, and when i do, like a few months down the road i hear someone on tv or radio using basically my joke.... hey ahmabeliever, any tips, tricks, perhaps comments, i think it will be a good hobby to get into...?

[Ahmabeliever]

"A few people wonder about what emergency phone numbers in other countries are, i do, it turns out that the emergency line in china is 1-1-9. I suggest we change it to something like 1-37-64-18-0183 to further control the population"

 

This needs editing, but is a good joke. Perhaps like this...

 

To aid in control of Chinas burgeoning population officials have changed the emergency services number to 118176 784539 23456.

 

Just keep reading the numbers slower and slower = they'll get it. Then once they're laughing, stop, and slowly (while they're laughing still) drop one or two more single numbers (while acting innocent) with long pauses between - this is called 'milking the gag.'

 

Other jokes have potential too, I just wanted to show you how much I'll edit to get to the joke. A big mistake comics including myself make is trying to explain the joke before they say it. In the above instance we already know of chinas population problem, so any explanation is superflous.

 

"eeeh, i will get better at this, i've been meaning to write some stand up stuff, but i can never come up with anything good, and when i do, like a few months down the road i hear someone on tv or radio using basically my joke.... "

 

I wrote a cover to radioheads creep. At same time a Sydney comic did the same. AND a duo from the South Island here. 4 comics simultaneously writing the same premise. Mine was not as good as the Roberts brothers so I left it out of my repertoire.

 

The thing with comedy is, you are not the only person observing the planet, if you find it funny, chances are others are thinking the same thing.

 

The real meat of it, once you've proved you can write, is performing. This is where new comics are convinced they're good and old comics leave the room so as not to burst out laughing at the wrong time.

 

Very rarely, a comic gets on stage and is good. VERY RARELY. Normally you'll need 5-7 YEARS to get really good on a stage where you can improvise, switch routines according to your audience, and deal with hecklers strongly, and in a funny manner.

 

You can be funny from the very first show, but professional, well, only those with acting and circus background, or natural exhibitionists make the transition to stage easily.

 

The rest of us have to deal with our own emotional make-up. Ego, embarresssment, insecurities, all will take a bashing on the stage. Our 'best' material often gets no response and the rubbish asides are found to be hilarious. Then the next night - it's the opposite!

 

Not trying to scare you off. forget about money, you either love it, or you should do something else. A hobby, and if you excel, THEN consider a career move (once it's already making enough to pay the bills).

[alexander]

Scientists have uncovered the secret of the centaur, what you need is a man and a very curious horse.

[Ahmabeliever]

Very funny!

[freeztar]

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"

 

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire,"

 

Old man says, "what you gonna do with that?"

 

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens,"

 

Old man yells, "you damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

 

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

 

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

 

Old man yells out "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"

 

Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."

 

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

 

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".

 

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

 

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

 

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, Whittier got there?"

 

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

 

Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."

[alexander]

People say that there are very few popular Russian people, in all reality that is not true, there are actually many popular Russian people, it's just that nobody has ever heard of them...

(this would work with just about any nation)

[paigetheoracle]

Obituary column for the rich and famous:-

 

No Wonder - death of blind, black piano player

 

Phil, Spectre - world mourns loss of legendry record producer

 

Boris, Karl Off - death of famous horror film star

 

Topol, over - 'If I was live man', falls off roof in fatal accident

[Thunderbird]

I have only made one joke, and its its a redneck joke I tell to rednecks.

 

You may be a redneck if the pop! of a beer being opened makes you salivate like Pavlov's Dog..........................You my be a redneck if your not getting the joke.

[Michaelangelica]

Suddenly this thread is the hardest gig on H/Po. !:)

 

On Chickens-you reminded me:-

 

A farmer goes to the market to buy a New Rooster to replace his very old, (hopefully retiring) Old Rooster.

 

When the New Rooster gets into the hen house he struts up, in all his fine plumage to the old battered rooster and says. "All right, old guy, your out of here. I'm boss Rooster now."

"OK" says the Old Rooster, "but let's say we race for it ten times around the hen house?"

"Fine chortled the cocky (couldn't resit that pun) New Rooster.

 

Suddenly, the Old Rooster took off, The New Rooster, taken by surprise, raced after him and pretty soon after a few laps he was gaining quickly on the Old Rooster.

Suddenly there was a terrific KABOOM! as the farmer shot the New Rooster with his shot gun. Blasting him to kingdom come.

 

"Bugger me!" exclaimed the farmer, "That's the third Poofta Rooster I've bought this month"

 

Don't mess with old people.

Poofta= Oz derogatory slang for homosexual.

[Qfwfq]

LONDON (Reuters) - It is the one moment every man wants to get right -- and which London floor-fitter Lefkos Hajji could hardly have got more wrong.

 

The luckless 28 year-old's dreams of giving his sweetheart, Leanne, 26, the ultimate proposal have literally vanished into thin air.......

Honey, will you marry... Oh. Never mind... | Oddly Enough | Reuters

[alexander]

Pamela Anderson has just replaced "Top Thrill Dragster" as world's #2 rollercoaster, she now gives more rides then the "Super man".

[paigetheoracle]

An owl was sidling up to his girlfriend when it started raining, so he flew off and landed on the branch of a friend.

"What are you doing here?'

"I was with Fiona but it was too wet to woo!"

 

What do you get if you cross a Labradoodle with Cockerel?

A Labradoodle-do!

[goku]

have you seen the gas prices lately? outrageous!

the other day i stopped to get enough gas to get home.

i went in, gave the clerk a 5 and said i need 5 dollars of gas.

the clerk farted and gave me a reciept.