Quality Jokes and Humor

[REASON]

Three Bragging Husbands

 

I sent this one to my dad.

 

My mother was from Austin, and his second wife is from Houston. :eek2:

[Ahmabeliever]

A jellybean went to the doctor.

 

"Doctor, I have something strange on my dick"

 

"OK" said the doctor "Let's have a look then."

 

So the jellybean drops his pants and the doctor looks and sees that there is a piece of licorice stuck to the jellybeans dick.

 

"What on earth, was it someone you've been sleeping with?" Asked the Doctor.

 

"Hard to say Doc, I've been ****ing allsorts".

[DougF]

Get out of the Car

 

(this is supposedly a true

account recorded in the Police

Log of Sarasota, Florida.)

 

 

An elder Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

 

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

 

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

 

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

 

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less then five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

 

No charges were filed.

 

Moral of the story?

If you're going to have a senior moment...

make it memorable.

 

 

 

 

 

:rolleyes:

[Michaelangelica]

Irish logic is very different from the thought processes of the rest of the world.

i know being 1/2 Irish

[B]Irish Declare War On France[/b]

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

 

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said.

"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

 

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

 

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

 

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

 

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

 

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

 

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

 

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

 

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

 

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

 

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

 

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

 

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[paigetheoracle]

Ill? Sick of being sick? Then you need 'death!'

Death kills all known diseases, dead!

[Essay]

Have you heard about the high-tech "pill" that you can swallow, which then produces a virtual colonoscopy?

 

That kinda gives new meaning to the phrase "Intel Inside."

 

hahahahaha

...thanks Michio Kaku,

 

Book TV - Physics of the Impossible: A Scientific Exploration Into the World of Phasers, Force Fields, Teleportation, and Time Travel

 

Michio Kaku: Theoretical Physicist, Bestselling Author, Popularizer of Science

[Michaelangelica]

POTATOES

 

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

 

Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,

Dad

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!

Love,

Fred

 

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Fred

[Michaelangelica]

 

 

 

 

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

 

 

 

 

 

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

 

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

 

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

 

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

 

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

 

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

 

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

 

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

 

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

 

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

 

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

 

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

 

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

 

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

 

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

 

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

 

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

 

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling

 

"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

 

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

 

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

 

 

 

20. Copy this and Send an E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile..

It's Called Therapy...

 

 

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

[freeztar]

I took this photo in southern Georgia. I found it ironically humorous. :confused:

 

[DougF]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

'Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgi

Smith...He's hidin'

marijuana inside his firewood!

Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun

[Michaelangelica]

Rated Irish joke of the Year

 

 

 

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

 

"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

 

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

 

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

 

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.

 

"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

 

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

 

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir"

 

says Murphy.

 

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?"

 

Asks the doctor.

 

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

 

"Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

 

"I put drops in her eyes!"

[Michaelangelica]

A love story

 

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to

other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a

Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were

both very tired and fell asleep quickly...... He in the upper bunk and

she in the lower.

 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into

the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's pretend

that we're married.'

 

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

 

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own ****ing blanket.'

 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

The End

[DougF]

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

 

She calls on little Mark.

 

He replies, “None , they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

 

Then little Mark says, “I have a question for YOU. ” There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

 

Which one is married?”

 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

 

 

 

To which Little Mark replied,

“The correct answer is ‘the one with the Wedding ring on,” but I like your thinking.”

[freeztar]

:lol:

[Michaelangelica]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism.

People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing !"

[LJP07]

Jesus gave a hotel owner three nails and said "Can you put me up for the night?"

 

The worst thing about a bald pussy is that you have to put the nappy on afterwards.

 

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? One, but you have to throw it very hard.

 

Sorry if these jokes are found offensive by some people, but I don't know if you will be offended or not. Hope not.

[Michaelangelica]

This is fun. especially if you have a touch of hypochondria ( and who doesen't?).

Disease Mongering Engine by naturalnews.com and Mike Adams