Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

A shabbily dressed old woman dragged a battered cardboard box into a bank and demanded to see the bank manager.

She was reluctantly ushered into his office but her reception changed dramatically when she said she'd like to open an account with $750,000 that was in the box.

The manager ordered his staff to serve the new customer tea while three tellers counted the money. However, one whispered a message to the manager who told the woman, "I'm sorry madam, but there's only $725,00 in the box."

The woman asked to use his phone to speak to her husband and screamed at him, "George, you stupid old goat! You've given me the wrong box!"

[theblackalchemist]

A man goes into the bank,

screams at the help me desk,

"I wanna open a fookin account in this fookin bank!"

The lady was terrified, but she says

""Sorry sir, we dont tolerate such language here, you are requested to kindly leave"

 

the man screams again

 

"I wanna open a fookin account in this fookin bank! call your manager if you wanna, but I wanna open a fookin account in this fookin bank!"

 

The lady takes the man to the manager and leaves the room

The manager looks at the man and asks

 

"What may be your problem?"

The man says

 

"I say I wanna open a fookin account in this fookin bank..."

"Sorry sir but we don't tolerate your language here"

"Ok then, i'll just deposit my hecuva 1 million lottery somewhere else..."

 

The Manager scrams

"Who The fook told you you cant open a fookin account in this fookin bank?"

 

:shrug:

TBA

[alexander]

Not even meant to be a joke, more of a discovery really.

 

Reading throgh an assignment, wilst helping this guy out with his programming homework, the paper said "the temperature values can be entered as an integer or as a decimal number" :mad:

[Boerseun]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Sri Lankan

Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

 

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said “Give me Liberty , or give me Death”?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had

his hand up:

“Patrick Henry, 1775″ he said.

“Very good!”

Who said ” A Government of the People, by the People, for the People,

shall not perish from the Earth?”

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

“Abraham Lincoln, 1863″ said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed.

Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its

history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “**** the Indians,”

“Who said that?” she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

“General Custer, 1862.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glares around and asks “All right! Now, who said

that?”

Again, Chandrasekhar says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime

Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts

to the teacher , “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said “You little sh!t. If

you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ” Michael

Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher

on the floor, someone said, “Oh sh!t, we’re f#cked!”

And Chandrasekhar said quietly,

Robert Mugabe to his cabinet at the declaration of the presidential election results-April 2008.

[DougF]

Good one! Boerseun :)

:) :rotfl:

[DougF]

Bubba's Got Shingles

 

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba w hat he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

[DougF]

Cannibal Grill

 

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon

A restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling

somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

 

+ Tourist: $5

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

 

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a

Price difference for the Politician?'

 

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so

Full of crap, it takes all morning.'

[alexander]

more of a stand up joke to a fairly specific audience (typically those "Do you believe in Jesus Christ as your savior?" people)

 

The reason I didn't like the Bible because it was such a typical Hollywood flick... I mean you have the main character out saving the world, who strikes a beef with the Jews. Jews decide hang around Jerusalem. Jesus, the only white guy in the Arabic neighborhood, gets killed, some dude shanks him with a spear, and then, as if that wasn't typical enough, in the next chapter, he comes back; more dangerous then ever...

[Boerseun]

At the mall, me and a few mates saw a handicapped old guy park in a normal parking bay the other day. And we jumped him and beat seven sorts of **** out of him. I mean, hey, man - rules are rules.

[Boerseun]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the

books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he

turned to the Rabbi and said:

'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle

drippings?'

'Good question', noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to

the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of

candles.

'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question

had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to

trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them

back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of

holy biscuits.'

'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the

know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi', he went on, 'What do you do with all the

leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste', answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up

all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year

they send us a complete dick.'

[Boerseun]

"Did the doctor give you your test results?"

 

"Yes. It seems as if all those years of phone sex have finally caught up to me. I've hearing AIDS."

[alexander]

You guys have probably heard this one:

 

So I went to my doctor's office for an AIDS test; my doctor told me to think positive...

[Pyrotex]

So, how many French soldiers does it take to defend the city of Paris?

 

 

 

Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

[DougF]

Pyrotex

So' date=' how many French soldiers does it take to defend the city of Paris? [/quote']

OK! I may be sorry I asked but how many does it take?

 

 

 

The Case of the Smoked Cigar

 

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire.

 

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."

 

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won.

 

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

 

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson.

 

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

[Moontanman]

Why are huge trees planted all along the main streets of Paris? Because the Germans like to march in the shade!

 

Ohh, I didn't really mean it:doh:

[Michaelangelica]

I don't like the French Jokes.

I think they are racist and cruel

But then I'm Irish.

[Moontanman]

I don't like the French Jokes.

I think they are racist and cruel

But then I'm Irish.

 

Well it was a right wing conservative republican joke. I thought I'd get it in before I have to start telling left wing liberal democratic jokes:evil:

 

When I was younger I was in love with France, the culture and especially the language, girls did so love to be told to do nasty things in French:hyper: It was amazing what I could away with by simply saying it in French, even the translation was accepted better when it was first asked in French. Oh yes, French, don't date young girls without it:naughty: