Quality Jokes and Humor

[Boerseun]

How Business Works - Cow-style...

 

A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You make biltong…

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

 

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime’ and steal someone else’s cows and shoot the owner.

 

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION

A farmer has two cows.

You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more.

 

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You pray to them for food.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.

You break for lunch.

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left is kinda cute…

[DougF]

Boerseun

How Business Works - Cow-style...

 

:applause: :rotfl: :rotfl: :applause:

[Moontanman]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

 

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

 

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

 

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

 

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

 

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

 

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.

 

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

 

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

 

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

 

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

 

''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

 

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

 

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.

 

We really watched a tape called S*x Queen.'

 

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

 

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

 

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'

 

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

[Michaelangelica]

Some people do not relate to signs/'international' symbols at all.

It is made harder when they become more and more esoteric

Is there an U.N. Authority to supervise their proliferation?

EG You best response to this might be??

 

 

"Caution: Sitting down may cause your erection to announce its presence."

Audible Penis

[DougF]

Subject: A Bad Day at Work

 

 

If you don't laugh out loud after you read

this you are in a coma!

 

This is even funnier when you realize it's

real! Next time you have a bad day at work,

think of this guy.

 

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global

Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater

repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is

an E-mail he sent to his sister.

 

She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM

dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring

a worst job experience contest. Needless to say,

she won.

 

Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling

brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office

I know you've been feeling down lately at work,

so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to

make you realize it's not so bad after all.

 

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first

must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea

I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.

 

This time of year the water is quite cool, so what

we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered

industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of

equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats

it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it

down to the diver through a garden hose, which is

taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn

good plan, and I've used it several times with no

complaints.

 

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start

working, is take the hose and stuff it down the

back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit

with warm water It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

 

Everything was going well, until all of a sudden,

my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched

it. This only made things worse.

 

Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the

damage was done. In agony, I realized what had

happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a

jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

 

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back,

the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However,

the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When

I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was

actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack

of my butt.

 

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma

over the communicator. His instructions were

unclear due to the fact that he, along with

five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

 

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water

decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes

before I could reach the surface to begin my

chamber dry decompression.

 

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing

nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out

of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter

running down his face, handed me a tube of

cream and told me to rub it on my butt as

soon as I got in the chamber The cream put

the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two

days because my butt was swollen shut.

 

So, next time you're having a bad day at work,

think about how much worse it would be if you

had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat

to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job,

I love my job."

 

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself:

Is this a jellyfish bad day?

[Moontanman]

My computer Problem

 

 

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

 

 

 

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

 

 

 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

 

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

 

 

 

'No,' I replied.

 

 

 

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

 

 

 

I used to like Eric

[Michaelangelica]

[freeztar]

SNOOTY RECEPTIONIST

 

 

An older gentleman had an appointment

 

to see the urologist who shared offices

 

with several other doctors.

 

The waiting room was filled with patients.

 

As he approached the receptionist's desk,

 

he noticed that the receptionist was a large un-

 

friendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

 

He gave her his name.

 

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

 

 

 

'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO

 

SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

 

All the patients in the waiting room snapped

 

their heads around to

 

look at the very embarrassed man.

 

He recovered quickly,

 

and in an equally loud voice replied,

 

 

 

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,

 

BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

[Michaelangelica]

Some background info for our 'geographically challenged' Yank friends

The "Gold Coast" is tourism Central in Oz. As bad as Los Angles, or Florida with theme parks like "Dreamworld", "Movie world", "Sea World" ( the best ) and high rise on second-rate beaches and huge Mac Mansions on artificial waterways.

 

So read on. . .

Two chimps and a Blonde Best blonde joke to date .

 

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

 

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?”

 

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

 

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.

 

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

 

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

 

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

 

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!

 

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

 

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

 

'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

 

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld

[Michaelangelica]

[InfiniteNow]

So, it turns out that Hillary Clinton has been doing a lot of shopping lately at IKEA. Yeah. It seems that's the only chance she's ever going to have to put her own cabinet together.

 

 

 

~paraphrased from Leno

[Boerseun]

Do you know the difference?

 

Guts or Balls:

 

Apart from the medical distinction, we’ve all heard about people having

guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

 

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

 

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ”Are you

still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

 

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling

of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on

the butt and having the balls to say: ”You’re next, fatty.”

 

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically

speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately

result in severe beating and in other cases death.

[Michaelangelica]

VERY high Quality B

LOLOLOLOLOl :shrug:

[Martin_Miller]

A little zoology joke:

 

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.

 

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the door.

 

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"

 

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!" :shrug:

[Jay-qu]

Physicists like to say that physics is to math as sex is to masturbation :shrug:

[freeztar]

Good one Jay! :shrug:

[InfiniteNow]

Physicists like to say that physics is to math as sex is to masturbation :doh:

 

I love xkcd. That was an especially good one. :shrug:

 

 

 

Here's one I just stumbled across a few minutes ago:

 

 

But they only warn you about one.