Quality Jokes and Humor

[Moontanman]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG? TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE . .

 

 

 

 

Indian Chief "Two Eagles" was asked by a white U.S. government official, "You have observed

 

the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen

 

his progress, and the damage he's done."

 

The Chief nodded in agreement.

 

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

 

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:

 

"When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

 

Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

 

Then the chief leaned back and smiled "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[Moontanman]

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

 

 

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

 

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

 

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

 

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

 

 

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom !"

 

I was equally outraged.

 

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

 

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! ).

 

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

 

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

 

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

 

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

 

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

 

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

 

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

 

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

 

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

 

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

 

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

 

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

 

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

 

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young, I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

 

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

 

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

 

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

 

We were silent, absorbing this.

 

"So, Ernie's just . . just .. .. excited," my wife offered.

 

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

 

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

 

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . that .. . .. I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its . teeny little . . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

 

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

 

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

 

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Two lizards: $140.

 

One cage: $50..

 

Trip to the vet: $30.

 

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's willy: Priceless!

 

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

[Thunderbird]

Good one Moontanman:hihi:

 

What do you call a heard of masturbating cattle ?

[Moontanman]

Good one Moontanman:hihi:

 

What do you call a heard of masturbating cattle ?

 

Beef Stroganoff, I had that for dinner yesterday.... eeeuuuwww:doh:

[DougF]

Moontanman

Two lizards: $140.

 

One cage: $50..

 

Trip to the vet: $30.

 

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's willy: Priceless!

 

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

 

Excellent Story! :hihi:

[Michaelangelica]

I like the Indian Story

Have we improved the situation?

Apparently Oz Aborigines worked 4 hours a day for all their needs!!

 

[Moontanman]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

 

Fresh from the shower, the lady stood in front of the mirror complaining to her

husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling

her it wasn't true...... he comes up with a suggestion.

 

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day, take toilet paper and rub it

between you breasts for a few seconds."

 

Willing to try anything, she fetched the toilet paper and began rubbing it

between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked. "Do you really

think rubbing toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts

larger?"

 

Without missing a beat, her husband said "Worked for your butt didn't it?"

 

He's still alive, and maybe with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk

again. However, he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw for

a VERY long time.

 

Stupid Man!

[InfiniteNow]

[Moontanman]

Underwear dust

 

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his

wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe

it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

 

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such

a comment go un-rewarded.

 

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his

drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself a s a

little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

 

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder

in my underwear?'

 

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'

[Moontanman]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

 

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

 

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

 

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter,

lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then t rumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again,

wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Moontanman]

TWO BRAVES AND A BEAR

 

 

Two braves are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the braves and begins to head toward them.

 

The first brave drops his pack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

 

The second brave says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear."

 

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first brave says. "I just need to outrun you....."

[Pyrotex]

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

 

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

 

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table. A bottle of grape juice had been spilled all over the floor. In the utility room by the back door, the cat’s litter box had been upended. It was not a pretty sight.

 

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

 

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

 

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

 

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

 

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

[Pyrotex]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her daughter. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We're taking Continental,” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

"Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.”

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're over priced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

"That's rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful,” explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was over booked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 30-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the Hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were over booked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”

 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. As I knelt down he spoke to me and asked me a question.”

 

"Oh, really! What'd he say?”

 

"The Pope said, 'Where'd you get that crappy hairdo?'"

[Michaelangelica]

The "girl jokes" went down very well with my female friends.

Thanks.

 

Yet another-?

 

Hiking Trip

 

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

 

Poof!... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

 

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river."

 

Poof!... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

 

Seeing wha t happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."

 

Poof!... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked two hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

[Michaelangelica]

[Moontanman]

Ray & Bubba ( Tennessee mechanical engineers)were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

 

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'

 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced,

 

'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.

 

Ray shook his head and laughed.

 

'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

 

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government

[freeztar]

:tongue:

 

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

 

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".

 

The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".

 

The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."