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Posted

Will I Live to see 80?

 

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care

doctor. After two visits and exhaustive

Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,

'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,

Or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said

He looked at me and said,....

'Then, why do you even give a ****

Posted

The survey

 

Last month the UN conducted a worldwide survey with one question:

 

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

 

The survey was a huge failure.

 

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant

 

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant

 

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant

 

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant

 

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant

 

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant

 

In the US they didn't know what "rest of the world" meant.

Posted

DIARIES

 

 

 

 

 

DOG DIARY

 

 

 

 

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

 

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

 

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

 

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

 

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

 

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

 

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

 

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

 

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

 

 

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

 

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

CAT DIARY

 

 

CAT DIARY

 

 

 

 

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

 

 

 

 

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

 

 

 

 

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

 

 

 

 

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.

 

 

 

 

However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

 

 

 

 

Bastards!There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.

 

I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

 

 

 

 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

Posted

One for the girlz... :shrug:

 

''THE WORLD 'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!'

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

 

The girl said:'NO!'

 

And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, did what she pleased with her money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ***, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

 

The End

Posted
The survey

 

Last month the UN conducted a worldwide survey with one question:

 

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

 

The survey was a huge failure.

 

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant

 

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant

 

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant

 

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant

 

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant

 

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant

 

In the US they didn't know what "rest of the world" meant.

 

Does it mean the UN knows everything???

Posted
Careful there, dude! :) When I clicked on the link, my corporate system flashed the Blue Screen of Forbidden Access at me. Scary.

 

Nothing bad in there that I am aware of, a joke, not even any bad words, could be other things on that site I guess:doh:

Posted
Jeezus Aitch Cryst, InfiNow,

 

you've blown my cover! Now wattamy gonna do with all these copies of Newton's Principia???????????? :shrug:

 

Psst! I'll buy a copy, just put it in this brown bag.

Gotcha! Religious thought police, you're under arrest for trafficking in beliefs against the moral code!

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