Quality Jokes and Humor

[paigetheoracle]

Be kind to me it's "I'm not really sure who I am" week

 

You can't make a sows ear out of a silk purse without breaking eggs

 

Do vampire artists like drawing blood?

 

You can't rely on Frankensteins monster for anything! In a crisis it either goes to pieces or loses its head!:shrug:

[InfiniteNow]

YouTube - Sumsing Turbo 3000 English Version http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYIOIM6hHBk

[Moontanman]

Husband and wife are shopping in Walmart when the man picks up a case of beer and puts in into the shopping buggy.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

 

'They're on special, only $30 for 24 cans', he says

 

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and sticks it into the shopping buggy.

 

What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

 

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

 

The man replies...

 

'SO DOES 24 CANS OF beer AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'

[InfiniteNow]

I must admit, your jokes tend to be funnier than mine, Moontanman. Good on ya, mate. :rolleyes:

 

 

 

"Guy walks into a bar... says, "ouch." :)

[Michaelangelica]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on:

 

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

 

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

 

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

 

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like Construction Workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

 

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on."

 

"There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the *** are interchangeable."

 

 

 

It seems that politicians are viewed the same way the world over??

 

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Did you hear the one about …

 

 

A 2UE listener supplied the following joke to celebrate the Pope's visit. I have cleaned it up a little for inclusion in this family newspaper:

 

A man goes to confession and tells his priest that he has sinned but that he would like, one day, to go to heaven. What should he do to get there ?

 

The priest hears his confession and says to him: " My son, to get to heaven you should give up smoking, gambling, drinking and sex. Live a clean and godly life and surely you will join the angels."

 

The man takes this on board, goes away, and does his best. But on returning to the confessional the next week he has to admit that not all has gone well.

 

"Father, I gave up smoking, gambling and drinking. It was hard, but with the grace of God I did it," he said. "But I found I couldn't give up sex. The other day I saw my loving wife, her gorgeous body leaning over the freezer, and I had to make love to her there and then, right on the spot."

 

The priest was shocked. " My son, they won't like that at all in heaven," he said.

 

"I understand," said the man. "They weren't too crazy about it in Woolworths, either."

 

[email protected]

[Moontanman]

Save the Earth... it's the only planet

with chocolate!!!!

[gareth]

One for the girlz... :eek:

 

''THE WORLD 'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!'

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

 

The girl said:'NO!'

 

And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, did what she pleased with her money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ***, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

 

The End

 

Punchline: She carried a nagging emptiness with her that persisted until she died alone in her apartment and was eaten by her cats.

[Michaelangelica]

n the office we've been prepare now for the Beijing Olympics ...

 

 

 

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

 

 

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong

 

Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

 

See me ASAP!! Kum Hia Nao

 

Stupid Man Dum Fuk

 

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

 

 

 

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

 

I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

 

I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat

 

 

 

It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim

 

I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

 

This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

 

 

 

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao

 

 

 

Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

 

He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

 

Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

 

Great Fa Kin Su Pa

[Moontanman]

Real newspaper headlines:

 

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!! ! They put in a correction the next day.

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No, really?

 

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

 

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for- nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

 

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

Oklahoma's construction program!

 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge

 

 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

 

 

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

 

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

 

Boy, are they tall!

 

And the winner is....

 

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Moontanman]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

 

 

 

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

 

 

 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

 

 

 

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

 

 

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.

 

 

 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

 

 

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

 

 

 

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

 

'There's no money in that account.'

 

 

 

'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you about my weekend!'

 

 

 

Not All Seniors Are Senile!!!

[DougF]

Haircut for Meetings

 

 

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now you know why I wear a hat! :phones:

[Michaelangelica]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

 

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

 

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

 

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

 

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

 

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

 

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,

'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

 

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

 

 

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[Moontanman]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

 

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

 

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

 

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

 

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

 

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

 

'Same,' says the ostrich.

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

 

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

 

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

 

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[Michaelangelica]

CLEVER SIGNS.

 

On a gynaecologist's door.

Dr JONES at your cervix.

 

On a septic tank truck.

Yesterdays' meals on wheels.

 

On another sceptic tank truck.

CAUTION: This truck is full of political promises

 

On a plumbers truck.

We repair what your husband fixed.

 

On another plumbers' truck.

Don't sleep with a drip, call a plumber.

 

On a church billboard.

7 days without God makes one weak.

 

On an electricians truck.

Let us remove your shorts.

 

On a podiatrist's door.

Time wounds all heels.

 

On an Opticians door.

If you don't see what you are looking for, you've come to the right place.

 

On a maternity ward door.

PUSH PUSH PUSH.

 

On a taxidermist's door.

We know our stuff.

 

At a car show room.

The best way to get back on your feet.

Miss a payment.

 

Outside an exhaust repair centre.

No appointment necessary; we hear you coming.

 

In a vet's waiting room.

BACK IN 5 MINUTES, sit,stay.

 

In a restaurant window.

Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and be fed up.

Radiator repair centre.

Best place in town to take a leak.

 

At the front of a funeral parlour.

Drive carefully, we'll wait.

 

On an Electric company invoice heading.

We will be delighted if you send your payment.

However, if you don't - you will be.

 

(took me a while to get this-say it aloud slowly)

[Michaelangelica]

Science teachers might? enjoy this

Socially Retarded Chemistry Student's Exam

[Pyrotex]

You just have to read this:

 

MEAT

 

;)

[Michaelangelica]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_bkFIPLIOGL8/SGBsxU3HRlI/AAAAAAAAO9Y/8pdOJt3pYvo/s1600/poison.jpg

 

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_bkFIPLIOGL8/SGBd85ors0I/AAAAAAAAO8M/E3pTqO1tKxI/s1600/kid%2Bwins%2Bgun.jpg