Quality Jokes and Humor

[Thunderbird]

A Canadian friend sent this to me years ago

i just came across it again

I still love it

/divert-your-course.png

 

The story is false one I'm afraid. It's an old joke that has been around since I was in the US Navy in the early 80's The version was between an American seaman maning the light house and an admiral on a on a battle ship. The US Navy has been navigating with satilite GPS since the 1970's. But it was a good joke. :hihi:

[freeztar]

A senior citizen drove his brand new convertible car out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

 

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the convertible, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

 

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

 

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[freeztar]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided

to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby

well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked

the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

 

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much

will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

 

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would

need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation

said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way

around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

 

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those

dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

 

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're

finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes, the blonde replied, and I

even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to

her along with a ten dollar tip.

 

'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

[DougF]

'And by the way' date=' ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

[/quote']

:hihi: :D :) :rotfl:

[Moontanman]

Once upon a time, in a land far far away

 

A beautiful self assured princess

 

happened on a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shore of a beautiful unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle

 

The frog jumped into the princess' lap and said "elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell on me and turned me into a frog

 

One kiss from you however will turn me back into the dapper prince I once was!

 

and then my sweet we can marry!

 

and set up house keeping in your castle

 

with my mother

 

where you can prepare my meals

 

clean my clothes, bear my children

 

and forever feel grateful and happy doing so"

 

That night,

 

As the princess dined sumptuously

 

on lightly sautéed frog legs

 

seasoned in white wine

 

and onion cream sauce

 

She chuckled and thought to herself

 

I don't f#@kin think so.....

[DougF]

When I hear this it just puts a smile on my face,

So I though I would share it with you. :shrug:

 

 

The Scotsman Song

Moby in the Morning - Scotsman Song

 

I could of put this in the "What are you listening to right now?" thread but I thought this was a better place. :hyper:

[7DSUSYstrings]

1.

I study chemistry quite a bit. In my studies (and practice as well) I've been involved with olefins, i.e. linoleum, margarine, etc., so progressively I had the fortune of studying some interesting things about the butter making industry. This led me to "Land-O-Lakes" technologies in the latest ChemTech bulletins. In the year 2000, they put into service the fastest, most efficient butter making machine in the last hundred years. Does anyone know what they called that machine?

 

2.

In Niles, Michigan, where I was born, there's Silverbrook Cemetery where I visit my parents' graves from time to time. Most of the stones have to be level with the gfround for mowing, but there are still quite a few mausoleums. One not to far from our family site has an apple tree that grew right out of the sepulcher, extending through the vents. The family forbade its removal, so it is a constant nuisance to the keepers as it drops apples constantly in the fall. Can you guess what they call the apples?

 

 

3.

What do you call a sporting event that intoxicates the average philistine, planting him in a chair from which he can't manage to get up?

 

 

4.

What do you call a sporting event that draws thousands upon thousands of monkeys that have no tail?

 

 

5.

If a fellow wants to marry the girl of his dreams in two places of the country at the exact same moment, what kind of wedding suit must he order from his tailor?

 

 

The above are original Dr. C anecedotes...:hyper:

[7DSUSYstrings]

Answers:

 

A1:

The CHURN OF THE CENTURY. This was followed up in 2003 by Kroger who hired the same engineering firm to build a better even faster machine so they could make Cost Cutter cheaper. Their philosophy was that "One good churn desreves another."

 

A:2

Fruit of the tomb.

 

A:3

The Stuporbowl

 

A:4

The Brickheads 400

 

A:5

He orders a fluxedo.

[Michaelangelica]

JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

> > A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped

> > him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly

> > hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large

> > plate glass window.

> > For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still

shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

 

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my

first day driving a cab....................

> > I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years'

[Michaelangelica]

When I hear this it just puts a smile on my face,

So I though I would share it with you. :hihi:

 

 

The Scotsman Song

Moby in the Morning - Scotsman Song

 

I could of put this in the "What are you listening to right now?" thread but I thought this was a better place.

 

I loved it

Have spamed all my friends with it

m

[Moontanman]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly

smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the

stairs.

 

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and

with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the

railing with both hands.

 

 

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the

kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself

already in heaven.

 

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally

hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted

wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The

aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of

the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

 

"Stay out of those you old fool," she yelled, "they're for the funeral!!!"

[Moontanman]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side.

 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked...

 

"What's your hurry?"

 

To which she replied, "I'm late for work"

 

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

 

"I'm a rectum stretcher" she replied

 

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

 

"Well", she said, "I begin by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then I work my whole hand in. I work it from side to side until I can get both hands in, then I slowly but surely stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

 

"And just what the hell do you do with a six foot *******" he asked?

 

"You give him a radar gun and put him behind a bridge"...

 

Traffic ticket, $95.00

Court costs, $45.00

Look on the cops face, priceless!

[Moontanman]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old. Well.....you'll love this one!

 

 

 

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.

 

 

 

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

 

 

 

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

 

 

 

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

 

 

 

This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate, after he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .

 

 

 

'yes, yes i did. I'm a mustang! ' he gleamed with pride.

 

 

 

'when did you graduate?' i asked

 

he answered, in 1975. Why do you ask?

 

 

 

'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.

 

 

 

He looked at me closely.

 

 

 

Then that ugly,

 

old,

 

bald,

 

wrinkled,

 

fat ***,

 

gray haired,

 

decrepit,

 

son of a ***** asked....

 

 

 

'what did you teach???

[DougF]

Har, Har Har, That reminds me of the time.

Oh wait that was last week. :doh: :hihi:

[Michaelangelica]

Bathtub Test

 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

 

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

 

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

 

Retrieved from "http://www.jestersring.ca/j/Bathtub_Test"

Category: Logic Jokes

Bathtub Test - Jester's Ring

for the Canadians among us

North American Creation

 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the 7th day.

 

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

 

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

 

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it EARTH and it's going to be a great place of balance."

 

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

 

God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

 

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

 

"Ah," said God, "That's Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance?"

 

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

This joke was also featured at Patriotism Canada.

Retrieved from "http://www.jestersring.ca/j/North_American_Creation"

 

Categories: Canadian Jokes | God Jokes

[freeztar]

http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/january/beer_goggle.swf

[Michaelangelica]

In the same knuckle dragging vein a (the best) printed version of this story is in "The Fragrant Chilli" Kangaroo Press Australia.

 

I warned you the net will be all visual one day-no words at all!

 

Yanks please note the proper spelling of chilli

Here are some versions of the story from the net.

Killer Chilli

 

http://www.wbrucecameron.com/columns/chilijudge.htm

 

Judging a Texas Chilli Competition. - Horomundi Forums