Quality Jokes and Humor

[freeztar]

Heh...the funny thing was that I was going to say that the joke isn't that funny, really, and it's simply an attack on people who are 'different' from atheists...to each his or her own, I suppose...

 

Attack? Nah, it's called satire. Did you see the Palin/Clinton duo on SNL? I thought it was pretty funny. They didn't attack Palin or Clinton though, it was satire.

 

~~~

 

New customer to Tech Support: It says, "hit any key" and when I do that nothing happens.

 

Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?

 

Customer: Tried but nothing

 

Tech Support: What key did you hit?

 

After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.

[Michaelangelica]

[REASON]

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

 

----------------------------------------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

----------------------------------------------------------

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

----------------------------------------------------------

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

----------------------------------------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

----------------------------------------------------------

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict..

----------------------------------------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

----------------------------------------------------------

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

----------------------------------------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

----------------------------------------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

----------------------------------------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

----------------------------------------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

----------------------------------------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

----------------------------------------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

----------------------------------------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

----------------------------------------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

----------------------------------------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

----------------------------------------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

----------------------------------------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

----------------------------------------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.

They may be seen in the basement on Friday after noon.

----------------------------------------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

----------------------------------------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

----------------------------------------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

----------------------------------------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

----------------------------------------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

----------------------------------------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

----------------------------------------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

[DougF]

LIQUID ASSETS

 

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will

have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00

today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will

have $0.00 today.

 

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the

beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have

received a $214.00..

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &

recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

 

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a

year.

That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

 

Makes you proud to be an American! B)

[Pyrotex]

You have to see this! B)

 

Sinfest now gets my vote as the best current events satire online comic anywhere on the internet.

[Moontanman]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

 

 

1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

 

 

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

 

 

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

 

 

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

 

 

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

 

 

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

 

 

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

 

 

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

 

 

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

 

 

P.S. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

[Pyrotex]

Just when you thought it was

Safe to Go In the Water... :hyper:

[Moontanman]

Yeah and if the Tigers don't get you this thing will!

 

It Will ****ing Kill You. - random images - moonbuggy

[Moontanman]

Oh Oh Oh I know, if an amphibious tiger met up with a great white shark, which one would win?

[freeztar]

> HIS AND HER DIARIES!

>

> HER DIARY:

>

> Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

>

> We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.

>

> I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset

> at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

>

> Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet

> so we could talk.

> He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he

> said, 'Nothing .”

>

> I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't

> upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

>

> On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and

> kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.

>

> I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

>

> When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely , as if he

> wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

> He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem

> distant and absent.

>

> Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed...

>

> About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded

> to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was

> distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

> He fell asleep...I cried. I don't know what to do.

> I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

>

> My life is a disaster.

>

>

>

> HIS DIARY:

>

> My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[Jay-qu]

Just when you thought it was

Safe to Go In the Water...

http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r313/Revmondo/TigerShark.jpg

 

This was at the Zoo here in Melbourne :smart:

[Moontanman]

10 Ways To Tell You Might Be A Redneck Hunter

You might be a redneck hunter if:

 

1. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

 

2. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

 

3. You've ever been involved in a custody battle over a blood-trailing dog.

 

4. You've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.

 

5. You've ever had to turn your pickup around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

 

6. You consider "Cabela's 2008 Shooting & Reloading Catalog" deep reading.

 

7. You've ever cleaned pheasants in your living room.

 

8. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three coon dogs.

 

9. Your bicycle has a gun rack.

 

10. You actually know what kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

[Pyrotex]

...10. You actually know what kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

Boston Fern. :evil:

[Spiked Blood]

When I was a kid my mother left to visit relatives for a week, leaving my father as the breadmaker as well as bread winner. Having the worlds worst cook as your 'sole breadmaker' is just recipe for disaster. To be fair my mother wasn't much of a cook herself.

 

Anyway, this one night, probably sick of having to fork out for takeaways, the old fellar thought he'd try his hand at cooking. God knows what it was he made, I don't know. I'm not sure he knew either.

 

I worked hard that night, sweat was pouring off me, after finally forcing it down, he asked me what I wanted for dessert..

 

I answered, "the antidote".

[alexander]

Figured I'd bring a bit of humor to every post, hope you enjoy the new signature :(

[freeztar]

From my fiancee via email:

 

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:

 

Dine her.

 

Wine her.

 

Call her.

 

Hold her.

 

Surprise her.

 

Compliment her.

 

Smile at her.

 

Listen to her.

 

Laugh with her.

 

Cry with her.

 

Romance her.

 

Encourage her.

 

 

Believe in her.

 

Pray with her.

 

 

Pray for her.

 

Cuddle with her.

 

Shop with her.

 

Give her jewelry.

 

Buy her flowers.

 

Hold her hand.

 

Write love letters to her.

 

Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

 

 

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:

 

Show up naked.

 

 

Bring chicken wings.

 

 

Don't block the TV.

 

[Moontanman]

SPECIAL INVITATION

 

You are cordially invited to the upcoming official pre-inauguration of

the George W. Bush Presidential Library which includes:

 

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

 

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

 

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

 

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

 

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

 

The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.

 

The Tax Cut Room with entry restricted only to the wealthy.

 

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite

Republican Senators.

 

The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

 

The Iraq War Room: After you complete your first tour,

they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

 

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.

 

The Environmental Conservation Room, it's still empty, but very warm.

 

The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

 

The Decider Room complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board,

dice, coins, and straws.

 

There is also a Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, but no one has yet been able to find it.

 

Additionally, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments.

 

Admission: Republicans - free or 3 Euros; Democrats - $1000 or 3 Euros