Quality Jokes and Humor

[DougF]

(I got this in an e-mail and I thought you would like it, I did. LOL)

 

 

Subject: [Fwd: Fw: Hell (explained by chemistry student)]]

 

 

 

Hell (explained by chemistry student)

 

The fact that anyone could write this under pressure ( pun intended) = is

amazing

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a **University of

Washington chemistry mid term.

 

The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it

with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now hav= e

the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

(absorbs heat)

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law

(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

 

*One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we

need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at

which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul

gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for

how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions

that exist in the world today.

 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their

religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these

religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can

project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,

we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,

we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law

states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the

same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until

all Hell breaks loose.

 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in

Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it?*

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year

that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take

into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two

must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already

frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen

over , it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is

therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence

of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh

my God.'

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

[theblackalchemist]

A man and his wife are in a mall

 

wife: my mom's birthday is coming up dear, shouldnt we buy her some gift?

man: like what?

wife: i don't know, but she may like something electric.

man :how about a chair?

[Moontanman]

Eight Words with Two Meanings 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male..... Playing football without a cup.

 

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n .

Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

 

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

 

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn- ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

 

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.

Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

 

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

 

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said .. . You wear pants don't you?

 

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

 

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

 

 

She said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

He said ..... They already have boyfriends.

 

He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Moontanman]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

 

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use

lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

 

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

 

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

 

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

 

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

 

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

 

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers and then there are educators.

[Moontanman]

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs,

> they are immediately

> ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

>

> 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

>

> Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in

>Rome ?'

>

> The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and

> answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .

>

> In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

>

> Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

>

> Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of

>Europe ?'

>

> The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No,

>Grumpy,

> there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .'

>

> This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

>

> Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

>

> Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns

> anywhere in the world?'

>

>The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son,

> there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

>

> The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the

>floor,

> tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

>

>

> 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

> 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

>

[Moontanman]

The fishing trip?

 

 

 

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage

to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

 

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the

weather would be bad throughout the day.

 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,

and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible"'

 

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ****?'

 

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

[Michaelangelica]

One Sunny Day In 2009

 

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

 

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

 

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

 

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

 

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

 

The man thanked him and, again just walked away

 

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

 

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

 

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

 

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Moontanman]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door....

 

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."

 

He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.

 

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in The morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."

 

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and You should be ashamed of yourself!"

 

The man does as he is told (of

course!), gets dressed and goes out Into the pouring rain.

 

He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

 

"Yes," comes back the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

[William Honey]

The fishing trip?

 

 

 

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage

to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

 

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the

weather would be bad throughout the day.

 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,

and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible"'

 

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ****?'

 

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

 

Excellent Mr. Moon....Loved it lol rofl

 

William :hihi:: )))

[William Honey]

One Sunny Day In 2009

 

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

 

The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

 

The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.

 

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

 

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”

 

The man thanked him and, again just walked away

 

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”

 

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

 

The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

 

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

 

Now thats funny Mich lol roflmao

 

William :hihi: :doh:)))))

[Moontanman]

Wine, Beer, Water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine ... and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -- bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

 

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey, bourbon, or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

 

Remember: Water = Poop,

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

[Michaelangelica]

OK You want Quality

How about Ancient Classical Greek!?

ATHENS (Reuters) – "I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it."

 

For those who believe the ancient Greeks thought of everything first, proof has been found in a 4th century AD joke book featuring an ancestor of Monty Python's Dead Parrot sketch where a man returns a parrot to a shop, complaining it is dead.

 

The 1,600-year-old work entitled "Philogelos: The Laugh Addict," one of the world's oldest joke books, features a joke in which a man complains that a slave he has just bought has died, its publisher said Friday.

 

"By the gods," answers the slave's seller, "when he was with me, he never did any such thing!"

 

In a British comedy act Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch, first aired in 1969 and regularly voted one of the funniest ever, the pet-shop owner says the parrot, a "Norwegian Blue," is not dead, just "resting" or "pining for the fjords."

 

The English-language book will appeal to those who swear that the old jokes are the best ones. Many of its 265 gags will seem strikingly familiar, suggesting that sex, dimwits, nagging wives and flatulence have raised laughs for centuries.

 

FAR-FETCHED CLOAK

 

In many of the jokes, a slow-witted figure known as the "student dunce" is the butt of the jokes. In one, the student dunce goes to the city and a friend asks him to buy two 15-year-old slaves: No problem,' responds the dunce. If I don't find two 15-year-olds, I'll get one 30-year-old.'

. . .

For Bowen, much of the material seemed very familiar: "One or two of them are jokes I've seen in peoples' acts nowadays, slightly updated: they put in a motor car instead of a chariot."

More ancient jokes at

Ancient Greeks pre-empted Dead Parrot sketch - Yahoo! News

[Pyrotex]

I threatened my 40-year old wife that I might exchange her for a pair of 20-year olds.

However, she reminded me that I am not wired for 220.

Alas.

:doh:

[Michaelangelica]

I threatened my 40-year old wife that I might exchange her for a pair of 20-year olds.

However, she reminded me that I am not wired for 220.

Alas.

:)

LOL

where did you study Classical Greek? I'm impressed. You would need to be a deadly 240 here.

 

In the same vein as "One Sunny Day In 2009" many Ozzies I know were very amused by seeing a pollster on the news (before the election) knock on doors and ask people who they were going to vote for.

This was in some southern US state ( all the same to us-you have the deep south- we have the deep north=Queensland. It's the heat affects their brains)

 

Anyway back to the story,

Knock Knock.

A woman comes to the door.

Pollster asks "Who are you going to vote for for President?"

"Arr forgot, hold on; CHUCK WHO WE VOTI'N FOR FOR PRSDNT?

"THE NIGGER OF COURSE!" came the shouted reply.

 

We loved that! True story honest. It was on Fox and would Murdock lie?

[Moontanman]

Job Opening

 

 

 

 

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida and

 

sees a notice advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Somewhat

interested, he steps up to the counter. "Can you give me some more

details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

 

 

The employment officer sorts through his files and replies, "Oh yes,

 

here it is. The job entails your getting the ladies ready to be

examined by the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their

underwear, carefully wash their private regions, apply shaving foam

and gently shave off the pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so

that they're ready for the gynecologist's exam. There's an annual

salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford,

Mississippi. That's about 620 miles due west of here."

 

"Oh, is that where the job is?"

"No sir. . . that's where the end of the line is."

[REASON]

"Oh, is that where the job is?"

"No sir. . . that's where the end of the line is."

 

:lol::hihi::lol::shrug::hihi:

:hihi::):D:lol::)

:):lol::hihi::D:hyper:

:):lol::):hihi::D

[Michaelangelica]

:lol::hihi::lol::shrug::hihi:

:hihi::):D:lol::)

:):lol::hihi::D:hyper:

:):lol::):hihi::D

x 2

lol