Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

Not a joke but something serious on the Nigger theme (Not a word used in Australia)

389 years ago… | WallStats.com The Art of Information

[Michaelangelica]

Didn't we have a knuckle-dragging thread on this?

 

http://xkcd.com/457/

[Pyrotex]

Not a joke but something serious on the Nigger theme (Not a word used in Australia)

389 years ago… | WallStats.com The Art of Information

Outstanding!!! Cool!!! Far out!!! Dyn-o-mite!!!

 

Rat own, rat own, rat own, rat own!!!

 

Pyro

[Jet2]

Doctor Doctor.

 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first examination.

 

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby. He checked the baby's weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

 

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

 

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did.

 

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

 

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk'.

 

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

[Moontanman]

Please Print out and carry with you in case you forget what to do.

 

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

 

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday

buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if

you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're

serving rum balls.

 

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare..

You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!

Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as

if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.

It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later

than you think. It's Christmas!

 

3. if something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point

of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano

out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.

Repeat.

 

4. as for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim

milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like

buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

 

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to

control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas

party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.. Hello?

 

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and

New Year's.. You can do that in January when you have nothing

else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need

after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate

of food and that vat of eggnog.

 

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,

like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,

position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you

can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a

beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never

going to see them again.

 

8. Same for pies. Apple,Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of

each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one

pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more

than one dessert? LaborDay?

 

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the

mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.. I mean,

have some standards.

 

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the

party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying

attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just

around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

 

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention

of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,

but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body

thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO

what a ride!' "

 

Have a great holiday season!

[satsumajin]

Secret Code

 

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"

 

Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own

 

handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the

 

letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

 

 

 

370HSSV-0773H

 

 

 

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides

 

had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it, so

 

it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning,

 

they eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help. MI6 cabled the White House:

 

 

 

"Tell the president he's holding the message upside down."

[DougF]

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

 

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

 

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

 

'Honey', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

 

She replied with a snicker.......

It's not talcum powder;

it's 'Miracle Grow' !!!!

[Moontanman]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE

MAN OF YOUR HOUSE."

he stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of the house and my word is

Law.'

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when im finished eating my

meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind

of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, 'The f'n funeral director would be my first guess'….

[Moontanman]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park

> bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

> She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me

> every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh

> fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

> I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me

> homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love

> to me for half the afternoon.

>

> I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me

> a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love

> to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be

> crying?'

 

She said, 'I can 't remember where I live!'

>

[Moontanman]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

> Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel,

> do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel

> answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and

> stared at it.

> Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know

> where to find my hearing aid.'

>

[Moontanman]

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2007

 

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

 

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

 

Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

 

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

[Moontanman]

CHICAGO BEARS

 

Q: What do you call 53 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A: The Chicago Bears

 

Q: How do you keep a Chicago Bear out of your yard?

A: Put up goal posts.

 

Q: Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado?

A: Soldier Field - they never have a touchdown there

 

Q: What do you call a ChicagoBear with a Super Bowl ring?

A: A thief.

 

Q: Why doesn't Springfield have a professional football team?

A: Because then Chicago would want one.

 

Q: What's the difference between the Chicago Bears & a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

 

Q: What do the Chicago Bears and possums have in common?

A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

 

Q: How many Chicago Bears does it take to win a Super Bowl?

A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.

 

And my favorite:

 

Q: What do the Chicago Bears and Billy Graham have in common?

A: They both can make 70 ,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ!"

[Moontanman]

sung to the tune of "winter wonderland"

 

Lacy things, the wife is missin'

Didn't ask, her permission

I'm wearin' her clothes

Her silk pantyhose

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

 

In the store, there's a teddy

Little straps, like spaghetti

It holds me so tight

Like handcuffs at night

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

 

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,

He pretends that I am Murphy Brown

He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa Man!"

"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

 

Later on, if you wanna

We can dress, like Madonna

Put on some eyeshade

And join the parade

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

 

Lacy things- missin'

Didn't ask- permission

Wearin' her clothes

Silk pantyhose

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

 

 

Men men men men, manly men, men men :phones:

[Moontanman]

Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

 

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

[Pyrotex]

Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow...I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.....

ROTFLMAO :weather_snowing: ROTFLMAO ROTFLMAO :hihi: ROTFLMAO :lol:

ROTFLMAO :lol: ROTFLMAO :lol: ROTFLMAO :lol: ROTFLMAO :lol:

ROTFLMAO :lol: ROTFLMAO :lol: ROTFLMAO :lol: ROTFLMAO :lol:

ROTFLMAO :lol: ROTFLMAO :lol: ROTFLMAO :lol: ROTFLMAO :lol:

[DougF]

Now that was funny. Thanks Moontanman, :phones:

[Phebe]

A monkey and a lizard were very good friends, such good friends that when the monkey came in the way of a pound of weed, they decided to smoke it for the first time together.

So, high in the top of a tree sat the monkey and his friend lizard smoking the evening away until lizard started to cough violently. Monkey said "Quick lizard, there's a river down by the way, go drink some water to relieve your cough.

So off the lizard went, but he was so frazzled that he fell into the river and almost drowned. Luckily, a friendly crocodile saved him and deposited him safely on the bank.

In gratitude the lizard offered the croc his remaining share of the weed and told him where to find it. So off the croc went to the tree in which monkey, quite buzzed sat waiting for his friend to return. When the monkey saw the crocodile he almost fell clear out of the tree, "Jesus lizard," he exclaimed. "You didn't have to drink the whole river."