Quality Jokes and Humor

[belovelife]

omg

[Pyrotex]

I was witness to a contestant on "WWTBAM?" whose first question was something like:

"An old nursery rhyme starts with the words...

Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye,

Four and twenty BLANK baked in a pie.

Fill in the BLANK and tell us what was baked in the pie."

 

The four answers contained only one that even scanned in the poem.

 

He missed it. First question. No money. Dippity doo-dah zilch.

[Jay-qu]

'Millionaire' Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever

 

NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

 

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'

After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

 

A) A Peanut

:) An Elephant

C) The Moon

D) Hey, who you calling large?

....

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

Caution...they walk among us!

 

An Elephant or The Moon - Dumbest Quiz Show Contestant Hoax

[Michaelangelica]

RETIREMENT BONUS

 

 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early

retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for

retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any

two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two

points would be.

 

 

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top

of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and

walked out with a Bonus of $72,000.

 

 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be

measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked

out with $96,000.

 

 

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,

when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my

weenie to my testicles.'

 

 

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,

explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had

received. but the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him

providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

 

 

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'

which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of

the Chief's Weenie and began to work back.

Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

 

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

[Moontanman]

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

 

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

 

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

 

 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

 

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

 

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

 

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

 

The priest nearly had an accident.

 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily

and went on her way.

 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

 

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

 

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

 

Puff! He's gone.

 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after

lunch.'

 

 

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

 

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

 

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

Moral of the story:

Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

 

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

 

The dung was actually thawing him out!

 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

 

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your

friend.

 

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[Thunderbird]

Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be

new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

 

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk

by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious

old senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked,

 

"What are you sellin' here?"

 

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ***-holes."

 

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only

two left."

[Michaelangelica]

An interesting spin on a VERY old joke. (Do you need to know the old joke?)

 

[Moontanman]

Cool Joke dude, it took me awile to get it, I must be slipping.

[Moontanman]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take

any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing

one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read

them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from

a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

 

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you

realize it was your money to start with.

 

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 

3. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright

ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign

of breaking down in the near future.

 

4. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject

financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

 

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

 

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who

doesn't get it.

 

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

 

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really

bad vibes, right? And then like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious

bummer.

 

11. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming

only things that are good for you.

 

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

 

13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they

come at you rapidly.

 

14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you've

accidentally walked through a spider web.

 

15. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your

bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

16. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the

fruit you're eating.

 

And, the pick of the lot...

 

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.

[Moontanman]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

 

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

 

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

 

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

 

The two sat sipping in silence.

 

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

 

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

[Moontanman]

WISDOM - FROM THE MILITARY MANUAL

------------ --------- --------- --- ------ ----

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'

- Infantry Journal

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed .'

- US. Air Force Manual

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never

encountered automatic weapons.' - General Mac Arthur

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'

- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

------ ------ --------- --------- ---------

'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal

----------- - --- ------ --------- ---------

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do'

- Unknown Marine Recruit

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'

- USAF Ammo Troop

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil.

For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'

Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

------------ --------- -- ------- ---------

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a

helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have

enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'

------------ --------- ------- -- ---------

'Without ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying

club.'

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

 

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;

 

If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

'Never trade luck for skill.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:

 

'Why is it doing that?'

'Where are we?'

And

'Oh ****!'

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully

complete the flight.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;

we haven't left one up there yet!'

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight

to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;

it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley

(Northrop test pilot)

------------ --------- --------- ---------

Airman, maintain thy air speed lest the earth rise up and smite you!

---------------------- ------------------- -------- ---------

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'

Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB , AZ, 1970

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives;

the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'

The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

- Attributed to Ray Crandell

(Lockheed test pilot

[Moontanman]

An Elephant or The Moon - Dumbest Quiz Show Contestant Hoax

 

Oh well,it was still funny :evil:

[Michaelangelica]

LOL

The Military are such wise, deep philosophers of life.

I never knew, or even suspected, this was the case.

Nearly all of those can be applied in a Zen way to help us reach ultimate enlightenment.

:)

 

I just read some interesting facts/stats about air crashes.

I will post them in the Quirky Department when I get a chance.

It is too hot here to do anything.

[Pyrotex]

If your ambush has been set up perfectly, but the enemy is late in showing up...

Look behind you.

:)

 

No plan of engagement ever survives first contact with the enemy.

[Pyrotex]

How do you know you have pissed off an engineer?

[Moontanman]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart

covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

 

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The

heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

 

 

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

 

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my

own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

 

That's when the proctologist fainted.

[Jay-qu]

How do you know you have pissed off an engineer?

Ahaha who was the idiot that scribbled on the bottom on that image.. its e^(i*pi) so the check is actually for .2 cents :)

 

That joke is linked with this recent bloggers post:

YouTube - Verizon Math Fail http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCJ3Oz5JVKs