Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

Perhaps all threads should start with this warning? :)

WarKitty motivational posters

 

It is amazing how profound, intelligent, perspicacious and pertinent your statements/replies become at Hypography at 3am and well into the second bottle of port! :)

[Thunderbird]

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, Socialists,

Marxists, Obama supporters, et al:

 

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile; slate it up to irreconcilable differences, and go on our own ways.

 

Here is a model dissolution agreement:

 

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

 

Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move them).

 

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan Hockey Moms, greedy CEO's, and Rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

 

You can make nice with Iran , Palestine , and France , and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or way of life are under assault, we'll provide them job security. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks,

and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru Station Wagon you can find. You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing Doctors who will follow to your turf.

We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach The World To Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.

 

 

We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty its best shot. Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name, and our Flag.

 

Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other likeminded patriots, and if you do not agree just hit delete and hang on. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR on who will need whose help in 15 years.

 

Sincerely,

 

John J. Wall

Law Student and an American

 

P.S. please take Barbra Streisand.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

Dear Red States:

 

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio, they are seriously considering it. We’ve given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we’re dropping the middle states we’re calling it United America, or simply the U.A.

 

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent and Chuck Norris. We’re keeping Bruce Springsteen and Brad Pitt. You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole’ Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

 

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire. We’d rather spend it on taking care of sick people, and educating our children.

 

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Cape Cod National Seashore and Yosemite, thank you.

 

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy Redies believe you are people with higher morals then we Bluies…

 

Peace out,

Blue States

[DougF]

Subject: CAJUN PREGNANCY

 

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux' s old lady had

been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

 

So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

 

 

She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said,

"Hey, Boudreaux! You just had yourself a son!

Ain't dat grand !"

 

Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the

doctor spoke up and said, " Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

 

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said,

" Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too."

 

Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the

doctor said, " Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

 

The doctor then delivered another boy and said,

" Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!"

 

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3

children, he sat down with his wife and said, " Mama, you remember dat

night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere tree- in- one

Oil?"

 

His wife said, " Yeah, I do!"

 

Boudreaux said, " Man, it's a damn good ting we

didn' t use no WD- forty." :hihi:

[DougF]

Announcement Regarding Budget Cuts:

 

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, plus the condition of the economy, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

 

We apologize for the inconvenience.

[Moontanman]

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?"

"Tammie give it to me." Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.

We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.

Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

[Moontanman]

See how the life in America can be confusing sometimes!

 

Many, many years ago When I was twenty-four, I got married to a widow,

Pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter With flowing hair of

red.

 

My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

 

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.

 

Now my daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

 

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy. I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

 

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle,

Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him

brother to the widow's grown-up-daughter Who, of course, was my stepmother.

 

 

CONFUSED??.. . Relax... Go ahead...

 

My Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. And he became my

grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother

and it makes me blue. Though she is my wife, she is my grandma

too.

 

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I

think of it, it simply drives me wild.

 

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my

grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

[freeztar]

Does anyone else find it funny that the new slogan of Trojan Condoms is: Evolve :shrug:

 

:(

[Moontanman]

Does anyone else find it funny that the new slogan of Trojan Condoms is: Evolve :shrug:

 

:(

 

Now that is funny, when I was in JR High School our school mascot was a Trojan, of course I couldn't let that go and took every opportunity to make sure "Trojans" appeared every where I could manage to place one. I know it was immature but it was funny, even the female teachers thought it was funny. Probably wouldn't have been funny if I had been caught but I never got caught.

[Moontanman]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

" Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

 

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a ***** before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois .

[Moontanman]

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio forwarded the following letter.

 

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

 

Dear Kean Elementary:

 

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears... She asked if she could listen to mine.... and I told her to kiss my ***.

 

Thank you for that opportunity.

 

Sincerely, Edna

[Michaelangelica]

Funny stuff guys.

 

How does the name "trojan" fit with the 'Trojan Horse' penetrating the defences of Troy and spilling out its load of soldiers, who then opened the entrance for more to enter?

 

I like the fact that they have special products for New Zealanders.

We always knew they were fond of sheep- but the Yanks will find a niche market anywhere -what amazing capitalists.

 

BTW 1

I had a lawyer friend doing a deal with LA.

Somehow they (2 lawyers-guys- very macho) ended up working all night in a plush Sydney hotel. Putting a final contact together, to avery tight deadline. They would make alterations, to the vast, endless contract in dark pencil and fax them back to the huge team of Yank lawyers working at the other end. They had two faxes going constantly all night long-one going to the States one combing back. It was a big movie deal.

At one stage, they made an error and wanted to erase it but couldn't. So they rang reception at about 3am and asked for a rubber.

A little while later a knock on the door revealed a snooty-nosed waiter holding a large, ornate, silver tray with one condom on it. "Your rubber. . . Sir"-said the waiter--looking askance at the two middle aged men, who obviously should know better.

They were woefully embarrassed and had to explain to the disbelieving waiter that that was not the sort of rubber they meant.

"Rubber" is a British term for condom; is the word used in Yankeland?

:shrug:

BTW2

Moontanman,

I have contacted your old school..

They always wondered who did that, they said.

You will be getting a subpoena in the mail.

:)

[freeztar]

How does the name "trojan" fit with the 'Trojan Horse' penetrating the defences of Troy and spilling out its load of soldiers, who then opened the entrance for more to enter?

 

Good point! :)

"Rubber" is a British term for condom; is the word used in Yankeland?

Yeah, what does it mean in Oz? An eraser?

[Michaelangelica]

Good point! :lol:

Enough with the double ententes already!:)

 

Yeah, what does it mean in Oz? An eraser?

Yes mostly,(Pencil erasers were made or red rubber!), although many have become aware of its Brit. meaning one way or the other.

So guys and girls, just be careful when having sex with an Ozzie, and you ask him first if he has a rubber.:naughty::)

 

.................................................

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

 

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

.................................................

[Moontanman]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

 

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

 

He took her to the police station where she was searched,

fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a

couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

 

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled

up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the

guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed your had stolen the car.''

 

Priceless.

[Pyrotex]

... chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk....

Good one.

 

Say, do they make chrome-plated Christian Fish Flipping a Finger emblems?

I'd like one of those! :kangaroo:

[freeztar]

Good one.

 

Say, do they make chrome-plated Christian Fish Flipping a Finger emblems?

I'd like one of those! :kangaroo: :)

 

Well, since fish don't have fingers...

 

How about this one?

 

[Moontanman]

Black leather & stiletto heels

 

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried girlfriends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

 

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

 

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask..

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long..

 

The Mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

 

My story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

 

'What's for dinner, Batman?'