Quality Jokes and Humor

[Pyrotex]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the

airplane. The stranger turned to her and said,

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you

strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed

it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you

like to talk about?'

 

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about

nuclear power?' and he smiles.

 

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,

and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a

deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a

flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried

grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

 

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's

intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have

no idea.'

 

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel

qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know

****?

[Moontanman]

"As a professional in my field, nurses aren't suppose to laugh. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said , and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell

laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to

her feet and regain her composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On

my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again."

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

[Racoon]

One tectonic plate bumped into another and said.....

 

"Sorry, my fault."

 

 

:)

[Michaelangelica]

The Irish Dictionary

St. Pat's Day Tuesday

I agree very "humerus" although I wonder if you "talus" all "wee" "kneed" to "nose" to understand the health "cyst" "tum". (A Dr friend's comments)

 

 

Artery - The study of paintings

 

Bacteria -Back door to cafeteria

 

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

 

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

 

Caesarean section - A neighbourhood in Rome

 

Catscan - Searching for Kitty

 

Cauterise - Made eye contact with her

 

Colic - A sheep dog

 

Coma - A punctuation mark

 

Dilate - To live long!

 

Enema - Not a friend

 

Fester - Quicker than someone else

 

Fibula - A small lie

 

Impotent - Distinguished, well known

 

Labour pain - Getting hurt at work

 

Medical staff - A doctor's cane

 

Morbid - A higher offer

 

Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates

 

Node - I knew it!

 

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

 

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

 

Post operative - A letter carrier

 

Recovery room - Place to do upholstery

 

Rectum - Nearly killed him

 

Secretion - Hiding something

 

Seizure - Roman emperor

 

Tablet - A small table

 

Terminal illness - Getting sick at the airport

 

Tumour - One plus one more

 

Urine - Opposite of you're out

 

2 Condoms - To be sure, to be sure

[theblackalchemist]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.

(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

 

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in ****** quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am, but I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No ****** cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!

 

Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a '15 mile route march - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

 

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a ****** possum's arrse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****** cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

 

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

 

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one

bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

 

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how ****** good it is.

 

Will wright again soon,

 

Your loving daughter,

 

 

 

Sheila

[Moontanman]

Now that's a good one!

[sanctus]

I love the daughter part!

[Moontanman]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.' Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

[theblackalchemist]

The CIA-Boss talks to a recruit

"OK, you passed every test and requirement you needed to. Now proof your loyalty.

Here is a revolver. Go into the room next door and shoot your girlfriend"

 

The recruit takes the weapon with a sad face and goes into the room. 2 minutes later he comes out and says:

 

"I just can't do that"

"Well then we will not accept you"

 

The Boss talks to another recruit

"OK, you passed every test and requirement you needed to. Now proof your loyalty.

Here is a revolver. Go into the room next door and shoot your fiancee"

 

The recruit takes the weapon and goes into the room. 20 minutes later he comes out and says:

 

"No, no I can't do it."

"Sorry, you are out."

 

The Boss talks to the last recruit.

"OK, you passed every test and requirement you needed to. Now proof your loyalty.

Here is a revolver. Go into the room next door and shoot your wife"

 

The recruit immediately takes the weapon and hushes into the room. A bang and a lot of noise comes is heard and then finally the recruit storms out with an angry face shouting:

"Which idiot accidently put blank cartridges? Now I had to kill her with a chair leg"

[Moontanman]

Good one TBA.

[Moontanman]

I guess we all need a few laughs in this time of financial turmoil. I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little

irritated. . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo

yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!'

[Moontanman]

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

 

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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

 

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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

 

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An American lawyer asked, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'

 

'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.

 

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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer - So the English can understand them.

 

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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'

'That's grand!' shouted Reilly.. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'

 

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Irish lass customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'

Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'

 

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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the

vase on the mantle piece?'

'No,' said Mr. Feeney, 'but I'm getting closer all the time.'

 

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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

A. A bachelor.

 

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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the

morning. I can't break her of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

 

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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. 'Quick!', he said..

'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'

'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.

'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'

 

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'O'Ryan,' asked the druggist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?'

'It did surely,' replied O'Ryan, 'but it keeps fallin' off!'

 

 

 

 

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an

important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

 

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find

me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of

me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first

man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

 

The man said, "I do Father."

 

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

 

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

 

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there

against the wall," said the priest.

 

 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to

go to heaven?

 

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

 

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that

when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

 

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a

group together to go right now."

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that

time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it.

At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to

confession

to

repent.

 

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been

stealing wood from the lumber yard al! L those years," he told the priest.

 

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

 

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the

traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

 

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

 

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

 

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

 

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy

went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the

Catholics across?"

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read

in the obituary column that he had died. He! Quickly phoned his

best friend Finney.

 

"Did you see the paper?" Asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

 

"Yes, I saw it!" Replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for

speeding in Connecticut.

 

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then

sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have

you been drinking?"

 

"Just water," says the priest.

 

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

 

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me

a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

 

Oh yeah! ?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

 

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

 

 

 

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

 

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-****!"

[Boerseun]

Ancient tribal wisdom will have it that "upon discovering you are riding a dead horse, it is best to dismount and find another horse".

 

Here in South Africa, more sophisticated strategies are employed, like the following:

 

1. Buy a stronger, more expensive whip.

2. Change the jockey.

3. Appoint a committee who will study the horse.

4. Appoint a commission to visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.

5. Lower standards so dead horses are also included.

6. Re-classify dead horses as "pulsationally challenged".

7. Appoint contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harness several more dead horses in order to improve the performance of the dead horse.

9. Provide more money and/or education in order to improve the dead horse's performance.

10. Do a productivity study to determine whether lighter jockeys will improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Review the expected performance requirements for dead horses.

12. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

If the above made perfect sense to you, then you are a South African.

[Boerseun]

When do the Chinese have elections?

.

.

.

.

.

.

Waaaaaaait for it...

.

.

.

.

.

.

Just befole bleakfast!

 

(insert drum roll)

[Pyrotex]

Fu Lin's Laws of Project Management

 

1. When riding a horse, you are very likely to wind up in the direction that the horse is walking.

 

2. If the horse is headed in the wrong direction, then the only action of any value is to change the direction of the horse.

 

3. Beating the horse, or making it go slower or faster, will not change the direction of the horse.

 

4. Bringing the horse to a total stop may avoid going over the cliff, but renders the entire idea of 'riding a horse' rather pointless.

 

5. If the horse does go over the cliff, the rider will blame the horse.

[freeztar]

More Irish jokes forwarded through email..

 

Irish Shopping

 

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

 

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

 

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "the wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

 

 

Irish Prayer

 

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

 

"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

 

 

No excuse

 

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

 

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

 

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

 

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there."

 

 

Lost at Sea

 

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

 

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

 

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

[Thunderbird]

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown

drugs."

 

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

 

 

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, Let me tell you something, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

 

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer.

 

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish .... on any land .... no questions asked or answers given ... have I made myself clear? Do YOU understand me?"

 

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

 

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased, close behind, by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

 

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

 

"Your BADGE! Show him your badge!"