Quality Jokes and Humor

[Thunderbird]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous

pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances

out of a dust cloud towards him.

 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,

RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,

will you give me a calf?'

 

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at

his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,

connects it to his Blackberry, and surfs to a

NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an

exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite

that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and emails

it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

 

Within mere seconds, he receives an email that the image has

been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL

database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet

with email on his Laptop and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on

his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Color LaserJet printer and finally turns to the

cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

 

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and

looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you

exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

 

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

 

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

 

'No guessing required.', answered the cowboy........'You showed up here

even though nobody called you.....you want to get paid for an answer I already

knew, to a question I never asked.....You tried to show me how much smarter

than me you are.....and you don't know a thing about cows.....

this is a herd of sheep.....Now give me back my dog.'

[Michaelangelica]

Grandma's driving

 

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if

you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

 

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a

thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I

bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought

about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had

changed.

 

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd

never have noticed.

 

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the

guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window

and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader

he was for Jesus.

 

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving

and smiling at all these loving people.

 

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

 

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him

yelling something about a sunny beach...

 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up

in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that

meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

 

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave

him the good luck sign back.

 

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious

experience.

 

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they

got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

 

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I

noticed the light had changed.

 

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through

the intersection.

 

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the

light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after

all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the

window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I

drove away.

 

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[freeztar]

 

Silly physicists. ;)

[freeztar]

Oh how I love xkcd! :)

 

[Michaelangelica]

Some of these were good from

Read the Sign | Offbeat Earth

I know i should have put it in the MJ as medicine thread.

Actually they seem to get funnier. You better visit the site.

[Moontanman]

"Kids On The Ocean"

 

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

 

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

 

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)

 

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

 

5) - A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

 

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

 

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

 

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

 

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

 

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

 

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

 

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

 

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ***. (Julie, age 7)

 

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

 

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.

(James, age 7)

[Moontanman]

[Moontanman]

A popular vacation spot.

 

[Moontanman]

[DougF]

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

 

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

 

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

 

The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'

.

.

.

.

.

[DougF]

The Pastor's ***

 

 

 

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

 

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race

again, and it won again.

 

The local paper read:

 

 

PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT.

 

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of

publicity that he ordered the

pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

 

The next day, the local paper headline read:

 

 

 

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***.

 

This was too much for the bishop, so he

ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

 

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

 

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted

the following headline the next day:

 

 

NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.

 

The bishop fainted.

 

He informed the nun that she would have to

get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

 

 

The next day the paper read:

 

NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.

 

This was too much for the bishop, so he

ordered the nun to buy back the

donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

 

The next day the headlines read:

 

NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.

 

The bishop was buried the next day.

 

The moral of the story is ..... being concerned about public opinion

can bring you much grief and misery .... even shorten your life.

 

So be yourself and enjoy life.

 

Stop worrying about everyone else's *** and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

Have a nice day! :smilingsun:

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[Moontanman]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked

the Director how do you determine whether or not a

patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then

we offer a teaspoon , a teacup and a bucket to the

patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person

would use the bucket because it' s bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull

the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

 

I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:

 

 

Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable TV 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

State, City, County & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

 

 

 

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

 

 

And now you are as enlightened as I am.

 

 

 

 

 

7 Kinds of Sex

 

 

 

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet Someone and you both have sex until you are Blue in the Face.

 

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner For a short time and you are so needy you will Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

 

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

 

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner For too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

 

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun In the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

 

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any More. She takes you to court and screws you In front of Everyone.

 

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. * You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

 

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

[theblackalchemist]

Greetings ,

 

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike

 

English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

 

 

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

 

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

 

 

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

 

 

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,

 

male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer'

 

should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give

 

four reasons for its recommendation.

 

 

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the

 

feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

 

 

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

 

 

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

 

incomprehensible to everyone else;

 

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible

 

later retrieval; and

 

 

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending

 

half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

 

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

 

 

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine

 

('el computador'), because:

 

 

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

 

 

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

 

 

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they

 

ARE the problem; and

 

 

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a

 

little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

 

The women won.

 

Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a

 

sense of humor

 

 

Regards

TBA

[Michaelangelica]

Swimming in Australia

:lightning

 

An elderly man owned a large property in Queensland , Australia . He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit from the trees.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer still, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

 

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

 

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

 

Moral: Old men may walk slowly, but they can still think fast.

[DougF]

Good one Michaelangelica,

Them are words to live by :lightning

 

 

If you don't laugh hysterically

at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is

funny....

 

 

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in

the backyard, and a few months

ago, I heard about burglaries

increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to

me, I got an electric fence and

ran a single wire along the top of

the fence.

 

Actually, I got the biggest cattle

charger Tractor Supply had, made

for 26 miles of fence. I then used an

8 ft. long ground rod, and drove

it 7.5 feet into the ground. The

ground rod is the key, with the more

you have in the ground, the better

the fence works.

 

One day I'm mowing the back yard

with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp

big wheel push mower. The hot wire is

broken and laying out in the yard. I

knew for a fact that I unplugged the

charger. I pushed the mower around the wire

and reached down to grab it, to throw

it out of the way.

 

It seems as though I hadn't

remembered to unplug it after all.

 

Now I'm standing there, I've

got the running lawnmower in my right

hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire

in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger

is about the size of a marine battery

and has a picture of an upside down cow on

fire on the cover.

 

Time stood still.

 

The first thing I notice is my p*cker

trying to climb up the front side of my

body. My ears curled downwards and I

could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in

the backside of my brain. Every time

that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I

could feel the spark in my head. I

was literally at one with the engine.

 

It seems as though the fence charger

and the piece of sh*t lawnmower were

fighting over who would control my

electrical impulses.

 

Science says you cannot crap, pee,

and vomit at the same time.

I beg to differ. Not only did I do

all three at once, but my bowels

emptied 3 different times in less

than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind

of bowel movement, where time is

creeping along and you're all leaned back

and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your

pants 3 times. It seemed like there were

minutes in between but in reality it

was so close together it was like exhaust

pulses from a big block Chevy turning

8 grand.

 

At this point I'm about 30

minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into

holding onto the fence wire. My hand

is wrapped around the wire palm down so I

can't let go. I grew up on a farm

so I know all about electric

fences.....but Dad always had those

piece of sh*t chargers made by

International or whoever that were

like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8

foot long ground rod is now

accepting signals from me through the

permadamp Ark-La-Tex river

bottom soil. At this point I'm

thinking I'm going to have to just man

up and take it, until the lawnmower

runs out of gas.

 

'Damn!,' I think, as I

remember I just filled the tank!

 

Now the lawnmower is starting to run

rough. It has settled into a

loping run pattern as if it had some

kind of big lawnmower race cam

in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with

my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God

please die... pleeeeaze die'. But

nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy

cam idle nicely and remains there,

like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting

for the go command from its

owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July,

104 degrees, 80% humidity,

standing in my own backyard, begging

God to kill me. God did not

take me that day.....he left me there

covered in my own fluids to writhe in

the misery my own stupidity had

created.

 

I honestly don't know how I got

loose from the wire...

I woke up laying on the ground hours

later. The lawnmower was

beside me, out of gas. It was later

on in the day and I was

sunburned.

 

There were two large dead grass spots

where I had been standing, and then

another long skinny dead spot where

the wire had laid while I

was on the ground still holding on to

it. I assume I finally had a

seizure and in the resulting

thrashing had somehow let go of the

wire.

Upon waking from my electrically

induced sleep I realized a few things:

 

1- Three of my teeth seem to have

melted.

 

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms

of my feet and my right butt

cheek (not the left, just the right).

 

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all

mixed together, do not smell

as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

 

5- My right eye will not close.

 

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch

now. Seriously! I think our

little session cleared out some

carbon fouling or something,

because it was better than new after

that.

 

7- My nuts are still smaller than

average yet they are

almost a foot long.

 

8- I can turn on the TV in the game

room by farting while thinking of

the number 4 (still don't

understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have

a newfound respect for things.

I appreciate the little things more,

and now I always triple check to make

sure the fence is unplugged before I

mow.

 

The good news, is that if a burglar

does try to come over the fence,

I can clearly visualize what my

security system will do to him, and

THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy

feeling all over, which also reminds me to

triple check before I mow.

 

 

 

:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

[freeztar]

:doh:

 

On a lighter note, you've got to appreciate some of the names scientists come up with. This is an actual mineral that has probably the best name ever.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cummingtonite

[sanctus]

Why is a quantum physicist bad in bed?

Because if he has momentum he doesn't have a position and if he knows a position he can't find momentum...