Quality Jokes and Humor

[infamous]

When a women tells you; "We need to talk", what she's really saying is; "I need to complain"..........................

[Boerseun]

The all-new generic version of Viagra just hit the streets!

 

It's trading under the name "Mycoxaflop"

[Hoser]

lewl I havin a lollergasm rite now

[Racoon]

Q: Why do some people have chronic Diahrrea??

 

A: Because it runs in their Jeans!! (genes)

 

:eek2: :eek2:

[Hoser]

Q: Why do some people have chronic Diahrrea??

 

A: Because it runs in their Jeans!! (genes)

 

:eek2: :eek2:

lewl taht was teh pwn

[Pyrotex]

A university study was trying to determine differences in sexual attitudes among women from different countries. Three women, from England, America and France, enrolled in the study on the first day. They were each asked this question:

 

You are shipwrecked on a small desert island. You are naked. You find sources of food, water and shelter, so you are in no immediate danger. A few days later, you witness a lifeboat coming ashore with a dozen big, hairy, brawny, aggressive men. They do not see you. What do you do?

 

The English woman said: I would run to the opposite side of the island and find a cave to hide in.

 

The American woman said: I would select the biggest, strongest man and give him my sexual favors in return for protection from the other men.

 

The French woman said: M'sieur, I understand zee question, but what is zee problem?

[Pyrotex]

Joanne was married to Jake and her husband had a drinking problem. Every weekend he would go to Sam's Tavern and get plastered. Finally, Joanne gave him an ultimatum: stop drinking or get booted out of the house. For some months, Jake white-knuckled his way through sobriety.

 

One day, Joanne said she had to visit her mother for the weekend. She admonished Jake that there was to be no drinking while she was gone. Jake behaved himself until Saturday evening, and then began thinking that if he had just a few drinks, there was no way Joanne would find out after she returned late Sunday morning. So, he went to Sam's Tavern and had a few drinks and a few more and a few more. Suddenly, Sam's hand was on his shoulder. "You'll have to leave, Jake! It's time for me to close the pub!"

 

Jake stood up and turned to go. He fell flat on his face. He grabbed the table and pulled himself to his feet. He fell flat on his face. He crawled over to the bar and pulled himself up. He took a step. He fell flat on his face. He crawled to the door and made one last try to get to his feet. He took one step outside. He fell flat on his face. "Screw this!" he thought, and crawled the entire three blocks to his house. He pulled himself up to his feet at the front door, opened it and stepped in. He fell flat on his face. He kicked the door shut and crawled to bed to sleep it off.

 

He awoke to the sound of his wife opening the front door. Sometime later, he awoke to the sound of the telephone ringing. A minute later, his wife stormed into the bedroom. "You lying, cheating SOB! You got drunk this weekend!"

 

Jake put on his most self-righteous face. "What do you mean sweetie? Whatever makes you say that?"

 

She grimaced. "That was Sam on the telephone. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

[jimrg]

I May Not Be Over The Hill

 

But I Can See Whats On The Other Side :evil:

[The Hoon]

lollerskates,

 

lolrus,

 

roflcopter,

 

roflmaonaise,

 

lmaonaide,

 

lik good 1 d00d

 

Hoon

[Queso]

lewl taht was teh pwn

 

what the hell:shrug:

[Queso]

I May Not Be Over The Hill

 

But I Can See Whats On The Other Side :shrug:

 

what the hell:shrug:

[Queso]

lollerskates,

 

lolrus,

 

roflcopter,

 

roflmaonaise,

 

lmaonaide,

 

lik good 1 d00d

 

Hoon

seriously what the hell, i don't understand what you guys are trying to do.:shrug:

[InfiniteNow]

Text messaging... in an attempt to belittle.

[Pyrotex]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she

showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him

to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young

minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,

of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and

scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of

water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of

him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said,

"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through

the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the

ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet

and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I

haven't had the flu all winter?"

[Racoon]

Q:What do you do with 365 used Condoms??

 

A:Slap em' on a tire and call it a GoodYear... :phones: :singer:

[C1ay]

It was opening night at the Orpheum theater and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

 

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, ''Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.''

 

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

 

''I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.''

 

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, ''Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... ''.

 

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

 

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 

''Crap'' said the hypnotist.

 

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

[Racoon]

Q: What did the Kamikaze Instructor tell his student pilots?

 

A: Watch carefully, I'll only demonstrate this once!

 

;) :D