freeztar Posted April 2, 2009 Report Posted April 2, 2009 Why is a quantum physicist bad in bed?Because if he has momentum he doesn't have a position and if he knows a position he can't find momentum... :eek2: :) Quote
Moontanman Posted April 2, 2009 Report Posted April 2, 2009 THE PERFECT HUSBAND Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: 'Hello' WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?' MAN: 'Yes' WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?' MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.' WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.' MAN: 'How much?' WOMAN: '$390,000' MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.' WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $2,950,000' for it. MAN : 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $150,000 if it's really a pretty good price.' WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!' MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?' Quote
Moontanman Posted April 2, 2009 Report Posted April 2, 2009 SIX Truths of Life: 1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue. 2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it. 3. And discover that the first truth is a lie. 4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot. 5. You soon will forward this to another idiot. 6. There's still a stupid smile on your face. I apologize about this. I'm an idiot and I needed company. Quote
Moontanman Posted April 2, 2009 Report Posted April 2, 2009 A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father..." The little boy replied, "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds " and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar." Quote
Jet2 Posted April 2, 2009 Report Posted April 2, 2009 HATHATHAT! An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.' Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'llbe hanging down again tomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied. 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.Shoulda bought a hat.' Quote
theblackalchemist Posted April 3, 2009 Report Posted April 3, 2009 UNIX Consultant Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question. Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? UNIX consultant: Yes, that's correct. Customer: No, what is it? UNIX consultant: Yes. Customer: So, which is the one? UNIX consultant: No. 'which' is used to find the program. Customer: Stop this. Who are you? UNIX consultant: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about yoo. Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code. UNIX consultant: Use 'what'. Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true? UNIX consultant: No. 'true' gives you 0. Customer: Which one? UNIX consultant: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'. Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it? UNIX consultant: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code. Customer: I want to find the revision code. UNIX consultant: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'. Customer: Which command will do what I need? UNIX consultant: No. 'which command' will find 'command'. Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that. UNIX consultant: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system. Customer: Write what? UNIX consultant: No. 'write that'. 'what program'. Customer: Cut that out! UNIX consultant: Yes, those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options. Customer: Do you always do this? UNIX consultant: 'du' will give you disk usage. Customer: HELP! UNIX consultant: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System. Customer: You make me angry. UNIX consultant: No, I don't 'make me' angry, but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once. Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more. UNIX consultant: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'. Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now! UNIX consultant: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. And 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless, of course, 'now' is a file name. Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC. UNIX consultant: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team... :);) Quote
sanctus Posted April 3, 2009 Report Posted April 3, 2009 Nice one TBA, but actually the what comand is not working on my terminal ...does not know it... Quote
Michaelangelica Posted April 4, 2009 Report Posted April 4, 2009 A story from New Zealand Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find It's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------;) Quote
Moontanman Posted April 6, 2009 Report Posted April 6, 2009 Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. "I am so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Let's just lie back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O K," said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... "I JUST LOVE BASKIN' ROBINS." Quote
Moontanman Posted April 6, 2009 Report Posted April 6, 2009 Thoughts for Today-- Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. A penny saved is a government oversight. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement . He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL." If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt . < Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs." Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.It's worse when you forget to pull it down. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraftToday, it's called golf Quote
Moontanman Posted April 9, 2009 Report Posted April 9, 2009 GOLFER AT THE DENTISTA man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.The man said to the dentist, 'Doc, I'm in one heckof a hurry.I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us togo play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and bedone with it.We have a 10:00 A.M. tee off time at the best golf coursein town and its 9:30 already.' 'I don't have time to wait forthe anesthetic to work!'The dentist thought to himself, 'My goodness, this issurely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anythingto kill the pain.' So the dentist asked him, 'Which tooth is it sir?' The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth, Honey, and show him.' Golf Stories A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, " they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you." "Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly? "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through." ------------------------------------------------- A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered" ----------------------------- young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son? " The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray. " The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down." ----------- ------- Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" Yes, yes, I did.." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five." ------------------------------ A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?" The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?" ------------------------------ The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?" Quote
Michaelangelica Posted April 10, 2009 Report Posted April 10, 2009 http://cagle.com/working/090331/heller.jpg Quote
Moontanman Posted April 13, 2009 Report Posted April 13, 2009 New Evidence Suggests Noah's Sons Rode Flying DinosaursCREATION SCIENCE BREAKING NEWS For years, Creation Scientists have disputed how Noah was able to quickly collect millions of indigenous animals from remote, inaccessible regions of the world for a 40-day ride in his ark. New evidence from an archeological find in China supports the long held Christian belief that Noah's sons rode giant flying dinosaurs to transport duck billed platypuses from Australia, and penguins and polar bears from the Antarctic, to name a few. "Those must have been some mighty big flying dinosaurs," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "Imagine the look on Noah's face when his sons flew in for a landing with a pair of Hippos strapped to the back of one of them things! Glory to God!" New Evidence Suggests Noah's Sons Rode Flying Dinosaurs Quote
sanctus Posted April 15, 2009 Report Posted April 15, 2009 Is this a joke site or do some creationists really believe that? Quote
Thunderbird Posted April 15, 2009 Report Posted April 15, 2009 Is this a joke site or do some creationists really believe that? Its one of the best tactics to battle creationism and fundamentalist, to make the parody more convincing than the serious stupidity, thus making it indistinguishable. Its real genius.Check out the site at the bottom of the page. Project PterosaurBy Dr. Richard Paley & Fellowship University Theobiology Department Staff Mission StatementThe goal of Project Pterosaur is to mount an expedition to locate and bring back to the United States living specimens of pterosaurs or their fertile eggs, which will be displayed in a Pterosaur Rookery that will be the center piece of the planned Fellowship Creation Science Museum and Research Institute (FCSMRI). Furthermore, the rookery facility will establish a breeding colony of pterosaurs in order to produce specimens that could then be put on display by other regional institutions or church groups. By doing all this, we hope to accomplish three goals: Support Creation Theory by showing the incorrectness of the philosophy of Evolutionism. Educate the population about Creation Science. Create excitement about Creation and the Bible in the public. I (Dr. Paley) am the founder and Chief Officer of the project. I will also be leading the expedition and acting as Science Liaison to the public. Funding is being provided by Fellowship University, the Fairlight Institute, and donations from wealthy Christian businessmen who wish to remain anonymous at this time. Why Look For Living Pterosaurs?OBJECTIVE: Creation Education | Project Pterosaur Quote
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