Quality Jokes and Humor

[Moontanman]

Michael, that one has the potential to piss so many people off on so many different levels! I love it!

[Pyrotex]

Mangelica! That is just too, too funny! Out of bounds! Off the wall! Below the line! Outrageous! Inrageous! Metaphorically offensive! Subliminally insulting! A virtual cross-fire, if you will. A positively smashing joke. I'm left bug-eyed with admiration.

[paigetheoracle]

Soul mate - person you want to spend the rest of your life with

Sole mate - person you are forced to put up with because nobody else wants you

 

Doctors diary entry for patient with penile dysfunction "Saw Willy - willy sore"

 

Girls don't make passes at snakes in grasses

 

Stealing is the sincerest form of flattery

 

What do composers carry with them to the supermarket - their Chopin Lizsts

 

What do cannibals do when they can't eat someone just now? Freeze a jolly good fellow!

 

Ladies - eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you diet!

 

Transvestites on death row - eat, drink and be Mary, for tomorrow you die!

 

What should you never say to Baron Frankenstein, if he jabs you in the kidneys?

'Hey cut that out!' because he will

 

The Highlands of Scotland has its own version of 'Where's Wally' - it's called spot the dead sheep

 

What good are disabled toilets? I want one that works myself!

 

Book title - 'American Indian weapons of mass destruction' by Tommy Hawk and A. Spear

 

When GW went to school his arithmetic skills were so poor, that they were considered weapons of Math destruction

 

A girl had her pet amphibian eaten by a passing wild dog in the Australian outback, when she spotted the same animal captured and on display in a pet shop. She went up to the assistant and asked for her pet back, saying she only wanted what the dog had eaten or to put it another way-

'How much is that froggy in the dingo, the one with the waggily tail?'

 

Life isn't what it used to be - it used to be treacle

[pamela]

PONDERISMS

 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

 

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die..

 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

 

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal

 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

 

"Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

 

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle

[Boerseun]

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning.

The reason for this odd behaviour is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory.

It works like this: it is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move.

After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture.

According to his Relativity Theory, any body moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub.

A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 O'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!"

However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes: "WTF??!!?? - why is it so quiet?? Holy sh*it!!! It's half past one!!

WHAT HAPPENED???!!??"

.....and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

 

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except fellow time travellers) has been able or willing to understand the sound scientific basis of this phenomenon.

 

You should go and sample your fellow time travellers - maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.

[Moontanman]

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation while waiting for their flight in the Los Angeles airport.

 

The first lady was a haughty California woman married to a very wealthy man. The second was a

quiet, well mannered elderly woman from Alabama.

 

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started

by saying, 'When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.'

 

The lady from Alabama commented, 'Well now, isn't that precious!'

 

The first woman continued, 'When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful

Mercedes-Benz.'

 

Again, the lady from Alabama commented, 'Well now, isn't that precious!'

 

The first woman continued boasting, 'Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.'

 

Yet again, the lady from Alabama commented, 'Well now, isn't that precious!'

 

The first woman then asked the Alabama lady, 'What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?'

 

"Oh dear, my husband sent me off to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

 

'Charm school?' the first woman laughed. 'Oh my God! What on earth for?'

 

The elderly Southern lady responded quietly, slowly and deliberately,

'Well for example, instead of saying 'Who gives a ****?,'

I was taught to say, "Well now, isn't that precious!"

[Moontanman]

Second Opinion!

 

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

 

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

 

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

 

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

 

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

 

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

 

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

 

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

 

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

 

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

 

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

 

'Been in the business 60 years.'

 

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

 

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

 

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

 

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

 

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

 

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

 

 

 

 

New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Moontanman]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

 

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

 

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

 

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[Racoon]

The French are concerned that 77% of their electricity comes from nuclear power.

 

I think they should stop over-reacting.

 

[paigetheoracle]

Disney have released a follow up to their original sex education video on the subject of venereal disease - it's called 'Herpes Rides Again!'

 

What do pirates with a chip on their shoulder, dream of getting more than anything else? Pieces of hate!

 

What do call stylish overweight people's dress sense? Flabby Chic.

 

What do you call Buccaneers who are not all they seem? Iron Pyrites!

[Moontanman]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

[Moontanman]

A rural Texas farmer's wife came home and found her husband in bed with another woman.

She was so mad - she grabbed him by the hair of his head and yanked him right out of bed and across the room, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice, and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old rusty saw.

The banged up farmer was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You do what you gotta do!!!

[Moontanman]

New Financial Terms

 

 

 

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer

 

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer

 

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake

himself for a financial genius

 

BEAR MARKET - a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance and

the wife gets no jewelry,

 

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

 

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market

keeps crashing.

 

BROKER - What my financial planner has made me.

 

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

 

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

 

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally

between themselves.

 

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

 

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the

toilet.

 

YAHOO - What you yell after selling your stock for $240 per share, right

before it crashed.

 

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a

nuthouse.

 

PROFIT - an archaic word no longer in use.

[Moontanman]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

 

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really

small, was it?"

 

Sally replied, "No, Salty."

Mom Fainted.

[paigetheoracle]

Our new car has a sign on it 'Safety belts must be worn'

 

Wouldn't it be better if they were new and in good repair?:)

[Moontanman]

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee" replied another.

"It has gotten to where I cannot hear anything anymore." said one in the loudest voice of the group.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," claimed another.

"I can't even remember what I'm doing half the time; if I don't make myself a note I forget what I am trying to do in the first place" chimed yet another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence..."Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank the Lord we can all still drive."

[Moontanman]

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said slowly. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes to win?"