Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

 

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

 

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

 

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

 

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

 

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

 

'Yes, I do' she replies.

 

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

 

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

 

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

 

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

 

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

 

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

 

'I would have been released today.'

[Moontanman]

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh

[Moontanman]

I OWE MY MOTHER . . .

 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.

I just finished cleaning."

 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you Into the middle of next week!"

 

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .

" Because I said so, that's why."

 

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your nec k , You're not going to the store with me.."

 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear ,

In case you're in an accident ."

 

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times.

Don't exaggerate!"

 

13. < U>My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

 

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

 

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world Who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

 

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

 

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .

"If you don't stop crossing you r eyes, they are going To get stuck that way."

 

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think

I know when you are cold?"

 

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, Don't come running to me."

 

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables,

You'll never grow up.."

 

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your fath er."

 

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think You were born in a barn?"

 

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

 

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope

They turn out just like you

[Moontanman]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging

two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the

bags rips and every once in awhile a $20 bill falls out

onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her,

and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your

bag."

"Oh really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better

go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get

all that money?

You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady.. "You see, my back yard

is right next to the football stadium parking lot.

On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the

fence into my flower garden. So I stand behind the fence

with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his

thing through the fence I say, '$20 or off it comes'."

 

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck!

Oh by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 

 

"Well, you know, not everybody pays."

[Pyrotex]

There was this factory. A couple of union workers were toiling away, a middle aged man and a twenty-something blonde female.

The man says, "I've got an idea how I can get some paid time off."

She says, "Yeah? How are you gonna do that?"

He says, "Just watch."

Then he climbs up a ladder to one of the ceiling joists, gets his legs over it, and hangs upside down from the joist.

The boss comes in, sees the guy hanging from the joist and says, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The man says, "I'm a lightbulb."

The boss says, "I think you need to take a few days off. With pay, of course."

The man climbs down, winks at his female partner and walks out the door.

The woman picks up her coat and purse and heads for the door.

The boss says, "Where do you think you're going?"

The blonde say, "I'm going home. I can't work in the dark!"

[Moontanman]

WATCH YOUR GRAMMAR

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!". Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[freeztar]

I was researching how to make a homemade taco seasoning mix and came across this recipe. Does anyone know where to get the first ingredient? :phones:

 

How to Make Your Own Taco Seasoning Mix | eHow.com

[Jay-qu]

You should submit that to failblog :phones:

[freeztar]

You should submit that to failblog :phones:

 

Thanks for the introduction. I've just spent the last hour there laughing hysterically. ;)

 

I might just submit it. After all, it's not rocket science.

 

YouTube - Definition Fail http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR8npn4RK6I&feature=player_embedded

[Pyrotex]

No. Sadly, that is not "rocket science".

 

Rocket science is the design, engineering and construction of...

 

...dare I say it...

 

rockets.

[Moontanman]

While down south on a visit, the young Yankee made a date with a local lovely. When he called for her she was clad in a low-cut, tight-fitting, long dress.

The Yank remarked, "That's certainly a beautiful dress."

"Sho 'nough?" she asked sweetly.

"It sure does!" he replied

[Boerseun]

A Story from Mitchell's Plain:

 

 

A parrot on a perch is sitting in front of a pet store in Mitchell’s Plain.

 

 

A woman walks by.

 

 

The parrot says to her, “Hey lady.” “Djy’s kak lelik.” (You're ****-ugly)

 

 

The woman is furious! She storms past the store to her work.

 

 

On the way home she sees the same parrot and it says to her again,

 

 

“Hey lady Djy’s kak lelik.” upsetting her again.

 

 

The next day the same parrot again says to her, “Hey lady.” “Djy’s kak lelik.”

 

 

 

 

The woman furiously went into the store and said that she would sue the store and have the bird killed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The store manager promised he would see to it that the parrot would not be so rude again.

When the woman walked past the store that day after work

 

 

the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

 

 

 

She paused and said, “Yes?”

 

 

The bird said, “Djy wiet mos.” (You know very well)

 

 

[sanctus]

?? Didn't get it...

[Pyrotex]

I think it was your accent, Boerseun. I didn't get it either. :naughty:

[Pyrotex]

Okay -- seems we're on a pet-store roll here...

 

Little boy, holding a toy racecar in his hands, goes in a pet store with dad.

The owner shows them dogs and kittens and birds, but nothing turns the kid on.

Until he sees the turtles! He has to have a turtle.

So, his dad buys it, making sure it comes with a 72-hour warranty.

The dad must do some other business in the small town, and instructs his son to

take the turtle across the street to the park, and play with it over there.

The store owner waves bye and watches them leave.

 

An hour later, the little boy comes into the pet store crying.

The owner says, "what's the matter? Is something wrong?"

"My new turtle... he's sick... he can't walk any more... can you fix him?"

The owner looks at the turtle. It does look exhausted.

And on its feet... blisters! Masses of blisters on its poor little feet!

 

"Well, son, I can't fix your turtle right away, but I can give you a new one."

The boy took possession of his new (identical) turtle with joy.

"Thank you mister, thanks a lot!"

And the boy ran back to the park across the street.

 

The owner was mystified. What could cause blisters on a turtle's feet?

After a while, he decided to ask the boy some questions.

He walked across the street, and saw the boy on his knees.

As he approached, he realized with a sick feeling to his stomach,

what had happened to the turtle.

 

The little boy was holding his toy racecar in his left hand.

The boy was holding his new turtle by the shell in his right hand.

The boy rapidly dragged his hands over the sidewalk, going...

 

"VROOM! VROOM! VROOM! VROOM! ..."

[Moontanman]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed.

 

 

 

'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

 

 

 

'No, I never did dance, -- just never wanted to.'

 

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said,

 

'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now.’

 

He started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blow off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.

 

'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ***?'

 

The boy bully swallowed hard.

 

'No.But I've always wanted to.'

 

There are two lessons for us all here:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

[Boerseun]

I think it was your accent, Boerseun. I didn't get it either. :QuestionM

So the bird says to the lady "Djy's kak lelik" which I kindly translated to "You're ****-ugly", and then the owner had a good talking-to with the bird and threatened him with death if he does it again and then the lady pitched up again and the bird couldn't tell the lady she's **** ugly no more on pain of being killed and then he merely said "You know very well" meaning that without saying it the lady knows what he would've said namely that she's **** ugly but now he can't say it anymore but the lady shouldn't feel good about him not saying it because he would've if he could've.

 

Sorry if my joke sucked. :)

 

But then again, being a joke from Mitchell's plain, you prolly have to be a Safrican to "kop" it... :lol:

 

Okay - I'll stop the in-jokes...