Quality Jokes and Humor

[Pyrotex]

:cup: GGGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

[DougF]

Ok this hit the news yesterday and I hear it's Popping up all over but if you have not seen this I'll post it, The US has always like to pick fun at those in charge and I'm no different. ;)

 

 

 

[DougF]

Tithing

 

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

 

 

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

 

 

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

 

 

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you"?

 

 

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

 

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living"

 

 

"He is a veterinarian," she answered?

 

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does He practice"?

 

 

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada.

He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.

 

;) :) :naughty: :naughty: :naughty: :naughty: :naughty: :naughty:

[Theory5]

here are some:

Have you heard about the Monica Virus? It attacks laptops. :hyper:

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George W. Bush and his driver were crusing along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bush told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later Bush see's his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked George

"Well the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.

"My god what did you tell them?" asks Bush

The driver replies, "I'm George W. Bush's driver, and I just killed the pig."

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Mrs. Perkins was talking to her hair stylist. "It's silly" she said, "But my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair."

"What do you mean?" The beautician asked.

"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped she'd be 'balled' soon."

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How many members of the American Force Against Terrorism does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.

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Why did the blond have lipstick on her steering wheel?

She was trying to blow the horn.

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A flight dispatcher watches a plane somehow manage to spin on the tarmac and land tail end forward. "Flight Tango Victor Foxtrot, what the hell is going on?" He shouts into the microphone, "Let me speak to the captian!"

"The c ... c ... the captain is drunk," comes the reply.

"Then give me the co-pilot."

"He, he's d ... d ... d ... drunk too."

"Well, and who's talking?"

"A ... auto ... p ... p ... p ... pilot.."

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I cant belive this one hasnt been told already, its hilarious:

 

Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton, and Nelson Mandela are in a jet with 20 kids. The plane suffers an irreparable electronics failure and is doomed to crash. As smoke billows through the plane, it becomes apparent that the plane has only 20 parachutes.

Nelson Mandela, a great humanitarian, says that the children should have them.

Bill Clinton gets panicky and shouts, "Screw the children!"

Michael Jackson whispers, "Do we have enough time?"

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How can you tell a blind man in a nudist colony?

Its not hard...

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What happens to a laywer when he takes viagra?

He gets taller...

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Enjoy!

[InfiniteNow]

The US has always like to pick fun at those in charge and I'm no different.

I know humor is subjective, but that isn't very funny to me. It shows just how violent and unfocused the rage has become in our populace. Okay... humor... my bad.

[InfiniteNow]

This one's funny because it's true:

 

 

[DougF]

If you didn't like the Joker how about this.

 

[REASON]

Okay, I like that one. :doh:

 

I tend to see Barack as a member of the Rebel Alliance.

 

May the force be with you.

[Pyrotex]

Adlai Stevenson, who ran for president back in the 1950's once said:

 

"I have a proposal for my Republican friends.

 

If you'll stop telling lies about the Democrats,

 

I'll stop telling the truth about you."

[Michael Mooney]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.

Bartender asks, "What'll it be Rene, the usual?

Rene answers, "I think not," and immediately disappears. :rolleyes:

 

Michael

[freeztar]

I've been watching the British comedy show "Green Wing" over at hulu.com. It is hilarious and you can watch the whole first season for free. The show takes place in a hospital which apparently only hires neurotic people. Here's a clip:

 

YouTube - Green Wing - Twit Tawoo? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RLlKyynXEg&NR=1

 

"I am objectively and empirically non-feathery!"

[Michael Mooney]

I haven't read all 95 pages of jokes, so if this is a repeat... sorry, but it is, in my opinion, a keeper.

 

Have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

 

He couldn't sleep nights for wondering if there really is a doG.

 

Michael

[Thunderbird]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

 

 

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia.. How'd you die?

 

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected

that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the deep freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[Cedars]

Wasnt sure where to put this as it could fall under a couple of categories:

 

A US Congressman on his way to a town-hall meeting, was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the Congressman turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Congressman, 'What would you like to talk about?'

 

'Oh, I don't know,' said the Congressman. 'How about Health Care?' and he smiles.

 

'OK', she said. 'That could be an interesting and timely discussion. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

 

The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

 

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss Health Care when you don't know @!$%#?'

[Galapagos]

Thought this one was pretty good..

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1623

:)

[crazzycat]

sorry but i didn't get the last it's cruel for me

[Galapagos]

 

h/t WEIT