Quality Jokes and Humor

[Boerseun]

A few questions:

 

Why did the Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

The guy who bought the very first fax machine - what the hell was he thinking?

Why do they clean the inmate's arm with sterilizing fluid prior to lethal injection?

[Racoon]

Why do they clean the inmate's arm with sterilizing fluid prior to lethal injection?

 

I am stumped? ;)

 

maybe its a sense of re-assurance?

The last thing homeboy sees before going Nappy-Time...

I think they have to follow proper medical procedure in all cases, regardless of circumstances or outcomes

Good question B.

 

That is kind of funny; in a Morbid sort of way...:D

[Racoon]

Quality Pick-Up Lines:

 

"You must work at Subway, 'cuz You just gave me a Footlong!"

 

:evil: :hihi:

[Racoon]

Q: How do you make Holy Water?

 

A: You boil the hell out of it!

 

:)

[Pyrotex]

Two residents of an elder care facility were playing cards.

After a while, one of them puts down his cards and says, "I have to confess something, and it's rather embarrasing. I have known you since we were in the fourth grade together. We've been best men at each other's wedding. We've been parked in this geezer farm for going on six years now. I know you as well as I know myself. And yet... well... I'm afraid I'm having a senior moment. I can't seem to recall your name! Would you please tell me your name?"

The other player listened patiently. Then looked down at his cards for a minute. He looked back up, and said, "Do you need an answer right away?"

[TheBigDog]

There is a family of moles living in a mole hole in the ground. A mommy mole, a daddy mole, and baby mole. One morning the daddy mole wakes up and walks to the top of the hole.

 

"Mmmmm," says the daddy mole. "Come on up here! I smell pancakes!"

 

The yelling wakes up the mommy mole, so she joins the daddy mole at the top of the mole hole.

 

"Mmmmm," says the mommy mole. "I smell butter on those pancakes!"

 

Well all this sniffing and yelling get the attention of the baby mole. So she goes walking to the top of the mole hole. But she reaches the top of the mole hole the whole mole hole is blocked by the daddy mole and the mommy mole. There is no room of the baby mole at the top of the mole hole.

 

In a fit of despair the baby mole shouts, "I don't smell the pancakes or the butter! From down here all I can smell is the molasses!"

 

First joke I ever told on stage. It bombed.

 

Bill

[Racoon]

First joke I ever told on stage. It bombed.

Yes...:) ;) ;)

but that shouldn't stop you from trying Judo stud...

 

heres another Bomb joke, only reason I'm telling it, is that it couldn't get worse! :eek:

 

Q:Why aren't there any Female elves working for Keebler?

 

A: 'cuz They're all Fudge Packers..

[Pyrotex]

Yes...:ebomb: :ebomb: :ebomb: ...'cuz They're all Fudge Packers..

Whatever happened to the "Quality" in the title for this thread?? :doh:

Now you'll have to suffer through one of mine.

If you tell this joke aloud, use a gutteral "pirate voice" for the ship captain.

:hihi:

 

The year was 1877. A Boston shipping company had advertised for a captain to sail a cargo frigate between Boston and Liverpool. A man showed up at the company with credentials. He looked the part. He had a captain's uniform, cape and hat. He had a captain's beard and a parrot perched on one shoulder. He had a patch over one eye, a peg leg and a hook on one wrist. He was shown into the office of a young man for the final interview. After an hour of questions and answers, the young man said,

 

"Well, everything is in order. You're hired. Your ship, the "Evening Star" leaves from pier 17 at sun-up on Thursday. But before you leave, may I ask you some personal questions?"

 

:pirate: "Sure, laddie. Ask away."

 

"Well, how did you get that hook?"

 

:pirate: "Argghh, it was terrible. Terrible it was! I was off the Tortugas when one of me boys fell in the drink. I rowed out with the ship's carpenter to pick him up, and when I reached overboard, this here shark comes up and bites me hand off! Fortunately, the carpenter stopped the bleeding, and later, made me this here hook."

 

"Fascinating! And, how did you get the peg leg?"

 

:pirate: "Argghh, it was terrible. Terrible it was! I was off the Jamaican coast when we were set upon by pirates. Me and me boys managed to fight 'em off with pistols and sabers, but toward the end, a miniball caught me right below the knee. Fortunately, the carpenter stopped the bleeding, and later, made me this here peg."

 

"Fascinating! And, how did you get the eye patch?"

 

:pirate: "Argghh, it was terrible. Terrible it was! I was off Cape Cod and a blue norther was bracing. I was up in the rigging helping me boys take in the sails when a seagull flew right over me head and pooped in me eye!"

 

"Fascinating! But, uh... I was unaware that seagull poop could put your eye out."

 

:pirate: "Argghh, you're right, laddie! It can't!" said the captain with a wicked leer. "But, ya see, it was the first day with me new hook!"

[Racoon]

I had sex with my high-scool teacher!

 

But I was home schooled! :xx: :doh:

[Pyrotex]

I had sex with my high-scool teacher!

But I was home schooled!

Raccy, if you incest on making bad jokes, we'll have to ex-spell you. :confused:

[Boerseun]

So this blonde girl bought a bottle of perfume called "Come To Me". She's not happy with the contents, and takes it back to the shop.

"There's something wrong with my perfume," she says.

"Why, what's the matter?" the shop assistant asks.

"Well, this doesn't smell like 'Come to Me'. Does it smell like come to you?"

[Racoon]

"Well, this doesn't smell like 'Come to Me'. Does it smell like come to you?"

 

:star: ahhh...

 

Why should Blondes only get a half hour lunchbreak?

 

Because after an hour you have to retrain them.

[Michaelangelica]

Great jokes Jerryb

Hope this is up to your high standard( from a Canadian friend)

 

2010 Winter Olympics

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics

these are some questions people the

world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these questions about Canada

were posted on an International

Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!)

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!!!!!.

 

 

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)

 

A We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them

die.

 

 

 

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

 

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

 

 

 

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks?

(Sweden

 

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

 

 

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

 

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

 

 

 

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact

for a stuffed Beaver.(Italy)

 

A: Let's not touch this one.

 

 

 

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list

of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)

 

A: What did your last slave die of?

 

 

 

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

 

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da

is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing

is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

 

 

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

 

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and

we'll send the rest of the directions.

 

 

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)

 

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

 

 

 

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

 

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh

forget it.Sure , the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and

in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

 

 

 

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

 

A: No, WE don't stink.

 

 

 

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.Can you

sell it in Canada? (USA)

 

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

 

 

 

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population

is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

 

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

 

 

 

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

 

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

 

 

 

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)

 

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

 

 

 

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its

name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

 

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains

of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

 

 

 

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

 

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[Michaelangelica]

Hey I've already posted this once but it's worth another post

FROM:

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/bigidea/stories/s1481032.htm

 

Lewis Lapham: Well I'm honoured and flattered and delighted to be

here. I wish I was the bearer of glad tidings and good news. And I

don't really know how to begin talking about the current situation in

the United States, but I thought I'd read a few passages from senior

high school and college examination papers and essays. Various

professors of history collect these remarks and send them to the

magazine and every three or four years we publish a small anthology,

and I have saved some of the ones that please me the most. These are a

fair indication of the state of the American mind at the moment.

 

This is a history of civilisation as told in a collection of college

and high level high school students:

 

Civilisation woozed out of the Nile about 300,000 years ago. Flooding

was erotic.

 

David was a fictional character in the Bible who pleased the people

with his many erections and saved them from a tax by the Philippines.

 

Religion was polyphonic. Featured were gods such as Herod, Mars and Juice.

 

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns: Corinthian, Doric and

Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

 

Plato invented reality. Pythagasaurus fathered the triangle.

Archimedes made the first steamboat and power drill.

 

Rome was founded sometime by Uncle Remus and Wolf.

 

Neoplatonists celebrated the joys of self-abuse.

 

A German soldier put Rome in a sack. During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark.

 

Machiavelli who was often unemployed wrote The Prince to get a job

with Richard Nixon.

 

Ivan the Terrible started life as a child, a fact that troubled his

later personality.

 

The government of England was a limited mockery. When Queen Elizabeth

exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, Hurrah! Then her

Navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

 

When the Davey Jones index crashed in 1929, many people were left to

political incineration.

 

The USSR and the USA became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent.

 

We in all humidity are the people of current times. This concept

grinds our critical seething minds to a halt.

 

That is a fairly accurate description of the Bush Administration's

foreign policy.

[Racoon]

Whats the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral ??

 

A: There's one less drunk...

 

:hihi:

[Colby]

The company policy one is beautiful.

 

A priest and two Rabbis are walking along the beach. The priest is going on about all the miracles Jesus performed, and when he mentions that Jesus walked on water one of the Rabbis interrupts with, "That's nothing, I can do that now!". The priest, who not suprisingly doesn't buy this, dares him to. The Rabbi, sure enough, walks out over the water, comes back, and keeps walking. The stunned priest follows for a while, and eventually exclaims, "Well if you can do it, surely I can to!". And so the priest walks out into the water and drowns. The Rabbi looks to the other and says, "You think we should've told him about the sand bar?"

[Racoon]

Whats the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

 

A: 45 pounds

 

:hihi:

 

Whats the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

 

A: 45 minutes

 

:)