Quality Jokes and Humor

[Turtle]

Neew help there, what is a VD? And is there any double sense in Johnson?

 

VD = Venereal Disease

Johnson = slang for penis >> Urban Dictionary: Johnson

 

Let's face it

English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France. ...

Aha! Jokes > English Jokes > English language

[ronthepon]

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France. ...

:rolleyes:

 

No?

[Boerseun]

:rolleyes:

 

No?

 

No.

[Pyrotex]

A lawyer decides to leave the Big City and visit the countryside where he grew up. Remembering how much he enjoyed hunting with his father, he bought a shotgun and a hunting jacket and other stuff. And there he was, wandering through a forest next to a marshy lake and a small farm.

 

He sees a duck take off! He raises the gun and BOOM!! The duck spins around and drops out of the sky, hits the roof of a barn and falls into a garden.

 

Our hunter climbs over the fence into the farm, walks over to the garden and picks up the the duck.

 

A voice behind him says, "Ayup, young feller, that would be my duck you got there. Hand it over."

 

"But, I shot this duck! It's mine! It doesn't matter where it lands."

 

"Ayup, it matters a great deal to me, son. It fell on my barn and you are standing in my garden. The duck is mine and that's the end of it."

 

"Listen, I'm a lawyer, and I've got the law on my side. I can even quote you a precedent for this, so I would have no trouble winning my case in court!"

 

"Ayup, and by then the duck will have rotted off the bones. We don't cotton to big city law out here. We use age-old country traditions to settle matters like this."

 

"Hmmm. Okay, how would you settle this?"

 

"We use the Pontontowee Indian contest. Each party takes turns kicking the other in the crotch, and the last one left standing gets the duck."

 

Well, the lawyer decided that the old man probably couldn't kick very hard, and besides, the lawyer was wearing some pretty heavy hunting gear, so he agreed.

 

The farmer said, "Okay, it's my land so I go first." And with that, he delivered a kick to the lawyer's crotch that would have done a mule proud. The lawyer was knocked a foot up in the air, and landed in a fetal position, groaning and moaning and screaming and crying in total agony. After about twenty minutes, the pain died down enough so that he could catch his breath and get up shakily on his feet. He stared at the farmer with glowering red eyes filled with hate and murder.

 

"Okay! Now it's MY turn!"

 

The farmer said, "Ehhh, you can have the duck."

[Boerseun]

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

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To get to the other side.

[Boerseun]

An old Commie joke:

 

A Russian wanted a new car. He waited in line all day before finally getting to make his request. The bureaucrat approved the request and said he could collect the car on October 5, 1986, three years away. The Russian asked, “Will that be in the morning or the afternoon?” Astonished, the bureaucrat asked, “What difference does it make?” “Well”, replied the man, “It’s just that the plumber is coming in the morning.”

[Michaelangelica]

Footbal fever here

I saw a sign in a German restaurant in George St the other day

"Free snaps for Englishmen"

and this

 

 

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.

 

As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

 

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

 

"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

 

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married.

 

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

 

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at her funeral..."

[Michaelangelica]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was sueing the lorry company,

In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

 

Solicitor

 

'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' .

 

Seamus

 

'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'

 

Solicitor

 

'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

 

Seamus

 

'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....'

 

 

The solicitor interrupted again and said,

 

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:

 

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

 

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

 

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

 

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said,

' How badly are you hurt?'

 

'Now what the **** would you have said'?

[Qfwfq]

Don't worry if you can't understnd the guy's words, it doesn't matter...

 

YouTube - How to fail a breathalyzer! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3bB70HJ6ek&feature=player_embedded

[Michaelangelica]

A science magazine is having a science joke competition

here

A biologist, a chemist and a physicist walk into a bar… « Naturally Selected

an eg:-

 

This is a variation on Robin’s that I learned from math professor Charlie Brase at Regis College sometime around 1978-1982.

 

~~~~~

 

A psychologist was doing an experiment. Her first two subjects were a physicist and a mathematician. The psychologist told them to go into a room and follow the directions they would find on the table.

 

The physicist goes into the room and finds a sauce pan on the table, along with a note that says, “Fill the pan with water.” The physicist takes the sauce pan to the sink, fills it with water, puts it on the table, and leaves.

 

The psychologist re-sets the room. The mathematician reads the instructions, takes the sauce pan to the sink, fills it with water, puts it on the table, and leaves.

 

The next time the physicist enters the room, there’s an empty sauce pan and a hot plate on the table, along with a note that says, “Fill the pan with water and heat it.” The physicist takes the sauce pan to the sink, fills it with water, puts it on the hot plate, turns on the hot plate, waits for the water to get hot, turns off the hot plate, and leaves.

 

The psychologist re-sets the room. The mathematician reads the instructions, takes the sauce pan to the sink, fills it with water, puts it on the table, and leaves.

 

This puzzles the psychologist, so when the study is over, she asks the mathematician about his actions in the second test, to which the mathematician replied, “I reduced it to a problem that had already been solved.”

 

~~~~~

 

Dr. Brase used this to illustrate his maxim that good mathematicians are lazy. I took that maxim to heart.

[Pyrotex]

Footbal fever here

I saw a sign in a German restaurant in George St the other day

"Free snaps for Englishmen ...

Uhhh... what are snaps?

[paigetheoracle]

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. You expect me to swallow that? Okay take him back to the cells until he's ready to tell me the truth!

 

Rock a bye baby on the tree top. When the bough breaks the baby will drop - unless you pay the ransom.

 

Ring a ring a roses. A pocket full of posies. A-tissue, a-tissue we all fall down (Bio-terrorism).

 

I had a little nutmeg, nothing would it bare - so I want my money back or I'm going to the police!

 

Twinkle, twinkle little star. How I wonder what you are - Oh, it's a UFO!

[paigetheoracle]

This is for all you Biology students out there!

 

'Psst!'

'What?'

'Want to know the secret of life'

'Maybe - what is it?'

'Don't talk to me'

Bang!

[paigetheoracle]

Uhhh... what are snaps?

 

Snaps are either photographs, a form of German alcohol made from cherry or what happens to my nerves when somebody asks me a silly question like that!!!

[Boerseun]

That'll be Schnapps, and is made from peaches, and is probably a typo in the original post Pyro quoted.

 

Boerseun the Anal.

[Michaelangelica]

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

 

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the

casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet

twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel

much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

 

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and

with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and

squealed...' YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

 

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her

winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

 

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

 

 

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks,

not all blondes are dumb,

but all men...are men.

[Michaelangelica]

• Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
   
  
• ... A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
   
  
• ... Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
   
  
• ... Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
   
  
• ... Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
   
  
• ... A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
   
  
• ... A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
   
  
• ... Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
   
  
• .. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
   
  
• .. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
   
  
• ... Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
   
  
• ... When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
   
  
• ... A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
   
  
• ... What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
   
  
• ... Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
   
  
• ... In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
   
  
• ... She was engaged to a fellow with a wooden leg but broke it off.
   
  
• ... A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
   
  
• ... If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
   
  
• ... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
   
  
• ... The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
   
  
• ... You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
   
  
• ... Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
   
  
• ... Every calendar's days are numbered..
   
  
• ... A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
   
  
• ... A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
   
  
• ... He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
   
  
• ... A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
   
  
• ... Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
   
  
• ... Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
   
  
• ... Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
   
  
• ... Acupuncture is a jab well done.