Quality Jokes and Humor

[Michaelangelica]

12 Italian Priests

 

 

 

Twelve Italian priests were about

 

to be ordained.

 

The final test was for them to line

 

up in a straight row, totally nude,

 

in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,

 

big breasted, nude model danced

 

before them.

 

 

 

Each priest had a small bell attached

 

to his weenie, and they were told

 

that anyone whose bell rang when

 

she danced in front of them would

 

not be ordained because he had not

 

reached a state of spiritual purity.

 

 

 

The beautiful model danced before

 

the first candidate with no reaction.

 

 

 

She proceeded down the line with

 

the same response from all the

 

priests until she got to the final

 

priest, Carlos.

 

 

 

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his

 

bell began to ring so loudly that it

 

flew off, clattering across the

 

ground and laid to rest in

 

nearby foliage.

 

 

 

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly

 

scrambled to where the bell came

 

to rest. He bent over to pick it up...

 

 

 

and all the other bells started to ring.

[Michaelangelica]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and...... OH, MY GOD !'

 

Silence followed!

 

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

 

One Irish passenger yelled... 'For ****'s sake ... you should see the back of mine!!!'

[Qfwfq]

That reminds me of something.

 

[img=http://www.wulffmorgenthaler.com/striphandler.ashx?stripid=b9835be5-bd7f-41a3-b05c-c3b08d40b5ae]http://www.wulffmorgenthaler.com/striphandler.ashx?stripid=b9835be5-bd7f-41a3-b05c-c3b08d40b5ae[/img]

[Boerseun]

A packed airplane is sitting on the runway, waiting for the pilot & co-pilot to get aboard.

They get in, both wearing sunglasses and making their way through the aisle with white canes tapping their way past legs and trolleys. The passengers stare wide-eyed at them - surely they can't be blind? It must be some sort of practical joke!

 

So they get to the cockpit, fire up the engines and the plane goes barreling down the runway. Eventually the passengers start screaming as they get close to the end of the runway, and the plane pulls up.

 

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the pilot says to the co-pilot: "You know, one day those passengers are gonna scream too late, and then we'll really be in trouble..."

[paigetheoracle]

Sherlock Holmes was investigating a case where the victim had, had his head smashed in by a rock.

'Watson, looking at the wound, what can you tell me about the weapon used to dispatch the victim?'

'Well it was blunt and could have been made of anything as far as I can see'

'Then you didn't note the sand on his forehead, where the blow had been struck?'

'No, I don't see the significance - it could be a stone I suppose!'

'It's not just stone - it's sedimentary my dear Watson!'

 

 

Holmes was invited to a family reunion and took Watson along with him.

'You know my brother Mycroft of course and his work for the Home Office. Over there is my cousin, who is something in the city'

'Oh?'

'Yes, he has a reputation for dealing in financial matters, which shows as keen a mind as mine and my brother's'

'Do I know him?'

'How can you not have heard of Shylock Holmes?'

 

'Watson, do you see that man over there, who seems to be glowing?'

'Yes old bean'

'He works in the uranium mining industry and is Scottish'

'How do you know that old fellow?'

'Because every Macleod has a silver lining'

 

 

Old bikers never die - they just get recycled

[Pyrotex]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

[Moontanman]

The Wife and the Gorilla

>

>

> A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

>

> She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

>

> He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

>

> As they walked through the ape exhibit,

>

> They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

>

> Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

>

> He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

>

> He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

>

> The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

>

> He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

>

> She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

>

> "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

>

> Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

>

> "Now. Tell him you have a headache."

[Michaelangelica]

 

 

 

 

STARVED

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

 

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

 

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

 

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges' Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel. When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

 

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[paigetheoracle]

Why is that when reality breaks down, you can never find a quantum mechanic?

 

Heisenberg's uncertainty principle rules...maybe

 

Supermarkets in France - Je queues!

 

Sausages - what's the wurst that can happen?

 

I really like you deep down - say about 6 foot.

 

I went into a cheap outdoor centre for a fleece and came out fleeced!

 

To some people 'Hi Jean!' is just a greeting to a friend

 

I went to Africa and all I've got to show for it is maleria

 

Cannibal - I've had my five a day

 

The grandeur that was Rome - the glory that is greasy fish and chips!

[Pyrotex]

Did you hear about the two cannibals that went to Prague for supper?

 

They asked for separate Czechs.

[Moontanman]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gM_PMVMsG1U&feature=related

[paigetheoracle]

A famous but arrogant composer of operas was sitting in his favourite armchair, reading the paper, when in came his wife.

'You lazy bastard, I don't know why I ever married you! You do absolutely nothing around the house!'

'Be quiet woman, can't you see I am Bizet!'

 

What is a pirate's favourite computer?

an I-Patch

 

A gardener beat his wife into a brain dead pulp. Why? Because he preferred vegetables to people

 

Igor, stop running your fingers through your hair! Put down that severed hand and use a comb like everyone else.

 

Do you know why Baron Frankenstein employed the guy above in the first place? Because he was always Igor to please.

 

I will repay saith The Lord!(I just need a little more time, things haven't been easy lately).

[JMJones0424]

Neutrino

 

Knock-knock

[Qfwfq]

Neutrino

 

Knock-knock

Well, speaking of that topic:

 

The Italian minister of education, university and research issued a public statement to express her congratulations to that research team for the scientific event of fundamental importance. She also boasted that Italy had contributed 45 million euros to... now, get ready for it, cuz this ain't no joke, this is for real, she actually said it, and it still hasn't been removed from the ministry's website... yup, she actually said: to the construction of this tunnel from the CERN labs to the Gran Sasso, through which the experiment was conducted!

 

OMG :doh:

[Turtle]

2 neutrinos from out of town walk into a bar & one says to the other, "it sure is dark in here. are we in Italy?". ;)

[GAHD]

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2349#comic

 

Good old chemistry tests.

[paigetheoracle]

WARNING: YOU ARE READING THIS ON A BLASPHEMOUS HOMOSEXUAL DEVIL MACHINE. SHUT DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD IMMEDIATELY!!!

h/t

:phones:;)

 

The logic behind this picture is impeccable (I wouldn't peck that woman on the cheek,if you paid me!): Sorry for the delay in replying - been in prison for the last three years, for soliciting*

 

* Alan would have replied himself but he's still Turing the country, lecturing on the suicidal dangers of prejudice, to the growth of any civilization (It's an enigma, wrapped in a mystery how we won the war - it just doesn't compute).