Quality Jokes and Humor

[paigetheoracle]

paige,

I want you to know that I hold you in high regard, but...

after reading your jokes for the last few monthes...

well, it might be a good idea for you to seek out professional help.

I suggest at least three psychiatrists, a dozen psychologists,

and at least one witch doctor with a degree in training horses.

I wish you the best.

 

You are so right! Some of my jokes need cultural understanding i.e. you need to be English to understand the references. Some need to be understood as the ramblings of a mind....er, without a mind? (If that makes any sense or apathy drools okay: Look out for me, outside a supermarket asking for spare change or walking up the street, mumbling to myself (Only people in high spirits can make jokes - those in low spirit* need to hear some).

 

*Low spirits is where the bottle is lying on the ground and so are you - high spirits means you are standing and so is the bottle).

 

By the way sorry for the tardy reply (See reply to above).

[paigetheoracle]

How do you kill a Mexican?

Through Manuel strangulation

 

What do you call old golfers?

Tee Wrecks

 

What should you never say to an angler at a VD clinic?

Caught anything lately?

 

Did you hear about the cannibal's wife?

Henrietta!

 

A man broke into a pet shop and stole all the dog restraints.

Police are looking for leads

 

'Say Paddy why are you looking up into that oak and why were you earlier staring intently at that sycamore and that there elm?'

'Ah well, me mother told me when I was a boy that good things come in trees and I'm just checking.'

 

The old anti-communist league have now started an anti-literacy campaign

Better dead than read.

[AlanWeischedel]

Funny video about holistic healing. Check it out. (some mature language)

 

http://youtu.be/WIFVeAttaC8

[paigetheoracle]

Come across someone on twitter (Moose Allain) via Readers Digest would you believe. Here follows samples puns:-

Russian Dolls are so full of themselves

I bought a picnic blanket today. Not much of a story I know, nevertheless I shall be dining out on it for weeks

Oh no, I've got Pritt Stick all over my autobiography. Well that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

If I lose weight will you think less of me?

When I was told time travel was possible, I have to confess I was a little taken aback.

My interest in semaphore is flagging

I feel for people who have been kept in the dark

I think this ghost fancies me - she's been wooing me for ages

[paigetheoracle]

Seek and ye shall find - panic and you'll get somebody else looking for it

A coloured guy walked into a shop and started shouting at everybody and everything. When the police arrived, they said not to take any notice of him as it was just emotional black-male

There are two famous department stores in London - one is Harrods, known for its hampers and the other just sells-fridges

'Hey Tom, why do you pick up your phone every time you get ill?'

'An app a day keeps the doctor away!'

Copracide - fan who died when **** hit him

Matricide - suffocated to death by a bed

Suicide - kill yourself when you find out your dad has named you Sue

Fungicide - die in a small space because there is not mushroom

[Lancewen]

The Harried Pharmacist

 

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the

door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly

this morning on the phone."

 

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront

the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he

could say more than a few words, the druggist

told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen

to my side of it...

 

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so

I was late getting up. I went without breakfast

and hurried out to the car, just to realize that

I locked the house with both house and car keys

inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding

ticket.

 

Later, about three blocks from the store, I

had a flat tire. When I got to the store there

was a bunch of people waiting for me to open

up. I opened and started waiting on these people,

and all the time the darn phone was ringing off

the hook."

 

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of

nickels against the cash register drawer to make

change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the

nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I

came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,

which made me stagger back against a showcase

with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of

them hit the floor and broke.

 

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with

no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It

was your wife. She wanted to know how to use

a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all

I did was tell her!"

 

 

[Lancewen]

The Big Shot

 

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away

to attend college and law school. He decided

to come back to the small town because he could

be a big man in this small town. He really wanted

to impress everyone. So he returned and opened

his new law office.

 

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk.

He decided to make a big impression on this new

client when he arrived. As the man came to the

door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the

man in, all the while talking.

 

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns

in New York that I won't settle this case for

less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court

has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll

be handling the primary argument and the other

members of my team will provide support. Okay.

Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week

to discuss the details. "

 

This sort of thing went on for almost five

minutes. All the while the man sat patiently

as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put

down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry

for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

 

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company.

I came to hook up your phone."

 

 

[paigetheoracle]

Guy goes to his doctor.

'Look Mr Goldberg, I think you need to stop masturbating'

'But why?'

'Because I need to examine you'

(Old Jews Telling Jokes, program 1).

[paigetheoracle]

Jack really loved this Irish girl he knew but hadn't even spoke to her because he was too shy. Eventually he got the courage to ask her out and on the way home he kissed her, started shaking with nerves and died.

The coroner's verdict was that it was a case of Anna Fitzpatrick shock syndrome.

[paigetheoracle]

Music Sucks!

 

Rap is crap

Hip-Hop must stop!

Emo must go

Garage I disparage

Blues isn't good news

Folk needs a poke

Classic isn't fantastic

Trad is bad

Jazz is Spazz

Fusion is an illusion

Big Band is out of hand

Pop is slop

Mariachi is starchy

Country is affrontery

Calypso is a no-no

Rock is soulless as Spock

Funk has no spunk

Electronic shouldn't go sonic

Soul should fall down a hole

Tamla? No way Pamela!

All in all.

I'd rather go deaf

coz there's nothing much left.

 

While not a joke, I thought it might amuse somebody - especially as it's Christmas

[Boucka]

Chili Cook offs

 

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

 

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

 

Here are the scorecards from the event:

 

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

 

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

 

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bimbo is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

 

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

 

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

 

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic.Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

 

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like substance to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

 

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

 

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,

not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

 

 

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report. Our best wishes to him in a speedy recovery.)

[Lancewen]

Chili Cook offs

 

Great first post. I had to live in Texas for 9 years and Texans aren't normal when it come to chili.:rolleyes:

[Lancewen]

[Boucka]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

 

 

Glasgow cop says, "Licence and registration, please."

 

 

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

 

 

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

 

 

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 

 

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"

 

 

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

 

 

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

 

 

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

 

 

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

 

 

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

\

 

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[Boucka]

In her POF Profile an attractive lonely widow wrote, "COMPANION WANTED - MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (60S); MUST NOT BEAT ME; MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME; MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON." On the second day, she answered the doorbell and, much to her dismay, saw a handsome, distinguished grey-haired gentleman in a faded USAF pilot's jacket sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

 

 

The lady said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"

 

The man smiled, "Therefore, I can't run around on you!"

 

"But you don't have any arms, either!" she snorted.

 

Again, he smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

 

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Well, are you still good in bed?"

 

The man leaned back, beamed at her a large grin and said, "Rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[Lancewen]

Understanding Women is now out in paperback

 

Pick up your copy today and have an edge over others!

 

[labelwench]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

 

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Uh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

 

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

 

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

 

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says.... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

 

Moral of this story....

 

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.